Sep 13 2003

Ok. shitgoddamn, as lovely Whit would say. So, I am just a big hopeless whiner who, like everyone else, thinks that my problems have GOT to be worse but, when confronted, realize I’m just one big whiner. I’m just going to tough it out at work- only 3 1/2 months left, anyway. I have also found a new reason to be excited. I am giving serious thought to going back to school to become a CPA. It would only take about two years, after which I could save money and put myself through Grad school for art. I could actually get a job with benefits and be able to have the baby that is just rarin to go in my dreams. How do y’all feel about being aunts and uncles in the next couple years? Do you wanna be at the birth? (heh, heh- Josh is shuddering.)

We do have to figure out where we are going to live from January to about July. No, Whit, it won’t be Memphis, I’m afraid. It will most likely be Sacramento or Sonora, but it sucks to try to find jobs and housing long distance.

And just one more thing tonight: Josh, Darling, I thought I was the cutest bass player you knew. I don’t rate anymore or something? You better make it up to me. I think Karaoke will do…

Sep 04 2003

I have been listening to Amy Mann a lot at work lately. If you don’t recognize the name, you should know her stuff from the Magnolia soundtrack. I have really started to like it. She has one song that says “Oh, for the sake of momentum…” I think it’s about me. No, we have never met and there is no way that she knows of me, but the song is definately about me. All the things in my life that have continued simply because “I’m almost finished!” I wasted two years on Child development- almost 6 years on college in general. Two years have gone to shoes- I barely even like shoes at this point. Sometimes I think I’ve wasted 24 years on life. What do I have to show for it? I have a crappy job, a crappy car, a crappy house… a fabulous husband. John is what I have, but how can you build a whole life off of one person who isn’t YOU? I need to get out of town. I need experiences that are more than workhomeeatsleepwork. This is a really hard time for me. John has so much to look forward to with Grad school. He has found something he really loves and it is in reach. I really want to go to art school, but that is about 6 years and 40,000 dollars out of my reach. And for what- an ART degree? What’s the point. I could be an artist with no degree at all and, with how much our society values art, there will be no teaching positions in a few years. Too late for me. Fuck it. I better fucking get used to retail. Doesn’t my future just glow?

(love to those who know they matter)

Sep 01 2003

Okay, yeah, I haven’t been writing. This is nearly the first day I have had off, though. And I’m sick. And mopey. I haven’t even written about our trip home. But I haven’t forgotten you, you future porn stars of America; you beautiful sexy bitches! I just haven’t had the energy to be a spirit fluffer since my own (spirit) has been suffering from erectile disfunction. And no, I am not talking about some poor Caspar. I just hate my job so much that I haven’t the words.

But the trip home was really lovely. We got to see our best friends and family. My sister, a really cool chick, just moved out of the house with the love of my life, my nephew Spencer, to live in Columbia. I’m prouder of her than she will ever know.

And Otis, the thing that surprised me most lately is the fact that you have an alcohol shelf with NO GIN! Shame!!

More will come later, little loves, but my cold is making my eyes hurt and I have to have a lie down. Kisses (full of germies!)