Mar 31 2005

Tip: Don’t draw eyes on your banana. I drew some on my banana this morning in red pen (I sometimes get REALLY bored at work). Now the banana skin is turning grayish around the red pen lines and it is really creeping me out. My banana is giving me the evil eye. My banana hates me!

So I got a call from the Steelers. I interviewed for a job with them back in October and they never called. I figured that they just found somebody else. Now the lady has called twice while I’ve been at work. I think they want to talk to me about taking the job, but I’m not sure. They would have to offer me quite a lot to pull me away from this place. Of course, they don’t know I’m pregnant… I doubt they would want me if they did. Whatever. I’m comfortable here for now. It’ll only be a short time, I hope. My sanity is counting on being able to move back to California in about a year.

You know, for a city, this place really doesn’t have many good restaurants. We’ve found two excellent ones, but they’re the kind you should save for a few months to be able to go to- not exactly an alternative to cooking on lazy nights. The “mexican” food is the worst I have ever had. We can’t even get good ingredients to be able to make our own. The pizza is decent and cheap, though, and is definitely “east-coast” style. But they use CANNED mushrooms on them. CANNED! Yuckyyuckypoopooblech!!! I used to love mushroom and olive pizza but I just can’t eat it this way. (pout, pout)

All of this food talk is making me so hungry. It seems like I am almost ALWAYS hungry these days, except last night. I’ll grant you, it was leftover night and I have always hated leftovers, but I really couldn’t finish my dinner. It ws less than I’m used to eating, even for when I’m not pregnant. I think I’ll be making up for it today. I have already had a cup of soup and it didn’t even touch my hunger.

Oh- weird thing. When we moved out here we noticed a very strange increase in the number of Arbys fast food restaurants. We thought it must just be because these people have bad taste. I found out today, however, that, even among picky foodies, Arbys is considered one of the better, healthier fast food places in town! I guess they have a salad with real lettuce- not just iceburg. Talk about warping my sense of reality. I always thought of Arbys along the lines of the Simpson’s quote:
First kid: “I’m so hungry, I could eat at an Arbys.”
All the rest: “EEWWWW.”

I’m not sure I can get past it…

Mar 26 2005

So, sadly, we did not get to hear the heartbeat yesterday. The good part is that it was because I, apparently, have terrific abdominal muscle tone. (way to go abs- I knew you had it in you! I’d like to thank my mother, yoga,…)The visit went well, though. I have a roomy enough pelvis- there should be no more problems than usual getting a baby head through there. I have no warning signs of having problems and will most likely be able to give birth at the center instead of a yukky hospital. Rock out. We will definitely get to hear the heartbeat at the next visit. I should be just about 15 weeks by then.

MAJOR bummer, though. They are making me keep a food diary. I will not be posting it here. I have to track everything I eat for three days! I do not eat enough vegetables. I’m really trying to be good but sometimes it’s hard. I think I’m doing okay on everything but the vegetables. I gotta figure out a way to get more of those suckers in. I’m afraid I am going to be chastized and really embarrased when I turn the diary in. I’m FAR from perfect.

John and I cleaned the house today. It’s amazing how just a few hours can make everything seems better. I vacuumed the stairs and the whole house looked brighter. That may have also been because John scubbed the bathtub, swept the kitchen floor, did the dishes and cleaned the counter tops. Well, I vacuumed almost all of the floors and did one load of laundry(but forget to put it in the drier) and figured out some really confusing tax stuff that my accountant sent me and went grocery shopping and cooked dinner. That’s fair, right? I mean, I AM doing all the work of growing this baby, am I not? (do you notice how I make it seem like more by putting “and” in between everything?) It’s been a TOUGH day…whew. I think I’ll go lounge in bed reading before I go to sleep.

Goodnight from the spoiled princess…I mean…Me.

Mar 24 2005

The twin brother of a high school friend hanged himself a few days ago. I didn’t actually know him, but knowing his twin makes it wierd. I can picture it all too well. I liked his brother a lot in school- we had a blast in French class- and I heard that the one who died was a really nice guy. My sister told me that he had just had his third kid, or something like that. I can hardly feel sad. I’m angrier than anything. I know that life can suck and seem really impossible at times, but how selfish do you have to be to do that to your family and especially your children? I guess I’ll never understand the motivation. My heart goes out to his family, not that it will make any difference.

Happier. Today is my Friday for the week. I can really use the day off! John and I are going to see the midwife for the first time tomorrow. We might get to hear piglet’s heartbeat!! I can’t get my hopes up too much because sometimes at this early stage there is too much ambient noise (my heartbeat, digestion) to hear it properly, but I want to try at least. It would make me feel a whole lot more secure if I knew things were still going ok in there. I wish I had a little window into my tummy so I could check on the progress like peeking in on muffins. Or maybe buns? You know… in the oven… I’ve never been patient about waiting for these kinds of things. I’m WAY too excited. I’m the kind of person who picks scabs off early and packs two weeks ahead and makes the souffle drop because I’ve opened the door too many times. I want my belly to be huge now. I want to have my ultasound now. I want to know the sex now. It can’t come fast enough. I saw a lady with a huge belly at dinner last night. I wanted to punch her because I was so jealous. Then I saw how funny her husband looked and decided that maybe she’d had enough punishment. (that was SO mean, but I just can’t help it.)

I found this really funny site yesterday that sells “punk” baby clothing. It’s called “my punk baby”. It’s a little ridiculous, but I’m going to have to get at least one onesie just for the hell of it. I want to learn to print my own so that John and I can come up with all sorts of stuff that should never be on a baby onesie and than dress our child in it. The kid won’t know and it would annoy all the right people. And be funny. If you can’t make jokes about your own kid then who can?

We have two weddings to go to this year. I LOVE weddings! I love them so much I think I’ll marry them. The first is at the beginning of October and I will be enormous. I don’t even know how I will find a dress to fit. The second is next March (okay, so not technically THIS year, gimme a fuckin break). John is going to be a groomsman fo rthat one and I am completely jealous. I’ve only been in a wedding once, except my own and I don’t remember that one. I was in my Grandma’s wedding when I was 14. I want to be in the wedding of friends but I’m not sure how many more friends will even get married. I’ll be in a wedding even if it means I have to fix people up and force them! Watch out boys! Dani’s gonna come give you girlfriends that SHE likes!

Mar 21 2005

It sure would be nice to know if anyone is reading the things I write. It’s not that I need an audience to write- I’m really just doing it for my own time-passing fun- but I’d be interested to know who is visiting and maybe even what they think. I’m working on John to help me figure out how to have comments. I’ve never had them before, but I love reading them on other people’s pages.

I haven’t been as hungry lately. I’m still much hungrier than usual, but not like I was last week and the one before. I was ready to eat almost anything that I could imagine keeping down. This weekend I was really craving beef like I haven’t since I was a vegetarian. I wanted a steak sandwich with mounds of horseradish and brown mustard with au jus dipping sauce on a crusty sourdough roll. Mmmmmmm… It still sounds amazing. I just don’t know where to get one! I’m making myself REALLY hungry just writing about it and lunch isn’t for another hour. TORTURE!!!!

The other thing I have been craving is amusement parks- not to eat, obviously. I have this incredible urge to go to Disney Land or somewhere like that. It’s stupid, though, because I can’t even go on any good rides. BOOOOOO. We’ll be leaving here before I get a chance to go to Cedar Point or Kennywood. Not fair! It’s amazing all the things that you forget you won’t be able to do while pregnant. Stupid pregnancy (No, I’m just kidding piglet! I Love you!!).

Today is my Dad’s birthday. Happy Birthday Pops! I know we have missed some other important birthdays (and I’m so sorry!), but John and I are both really crummy with dates. When we have piglet we’ll probably forget its birthday for a few years. Me:”What day is it today?” John: “Um, lemme look at the calendar. October 28th- oooh, almost Halloween.” Me: “Wow, I almost forgot about Halloween. I feel like we missed something. Musta not been important or we would remember! What do ya want to do for Halloween? …..SHIT!! Piglet’s birthday was four days ago!! How did we forget?” John: “Crap”. Me: “Yea Piglet! You’re 1 year and 4 days old! That’s SO much cooler than boring old 1 Year.” John: “Yeah. Happy Birthday, sweetie. We love you!”
Next year: Repeat.

Really. That’s how bad we are.

So Happy birthday to you crazy March kids who we hold so dear to our hearts. We forgot, but not totally! We’ll make it up to you some day.

Mar 21 2005

So I was just driving back from lunch. I have to pass through this funky section of this town called McKees Rocks on my way. On the “closer-to-work” side of the bridge there is a really skeezy looking “gentleman’s” club called something like Club Erotica. As I was driving past today, I noticed that they had one of those mobile cleaning services parked in their driveway. The name of the business was plastered all over the van- an obvious name of “VAN POWERED CLEANERS”all in caps. Unfortunately, someone didn’t do the best job of thinking through the placement of the words on the sliding door. With the door all the way open, which it was while in front of this club, the “an” of van and the “powere” of Powered were completely obscured leaving the V and the D(all in caps remember). Yes. VD CLEANERS. Beautiful.

And of course, no camera.

Mar 17 2005

Happy St. Patrick’s day! What is a good, non- alcoholic alternative to green beer?

I miss beer.

I’ve made, if I may say so, really nice dinners the last two nights. On Tuesday night, I made roast chicken with really lovely mashed potatoes and green beans. I also made a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I think it is the best cake I have ever made! It is moist and spongy, but somehow dense at the same time. The only cake I have had that was better was the one at Justin and Jess’ wedding- now that was a cake! Last night I made stuffed pork chops, baby red potatoes and asparagus. And we had more cake. I don’t really feel bad that I have eaten so much cake recently. I have been really good. I haven’t had any (at least, barely any) candy, soda or other junk food (except pizza- I’ll never give up pizza) since I found out I was pregnant. I haven’t really wanted it. John wanted part of a ginger ale the other night and so I said I would share it with him. He poured me about an inch in a glass before I told him to stop. I drank it, but it was just too sweet. The sweetest thing I normally eat now is fruit. But the cake, OH goodness, the cake… My mom told me not to feed that crap to her grandbaby, but forget her. She doesn’t have to live with the morning sickness. I need something that makes me happy!

I am starting to wonder about the morning sickness thing. I don’t know if this is how it normally is for women, but for me it’s like really stong hunger pains that come on suddenly leaving me nauseous, combined with strong aversions to certain smells and foods. Yesterday and today it hasn’t been as strong, though. It makes me worry that I am somehow not pregnant anymore. I’m probably being stupid, but I can’t help it. I want this piglet so much that I would do almost anything to have it. It feels so out of my control. I could be doing nothing wrong and piglet could die suddenly. It’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s so bad that I think I have to stop thinking it right now.

The V.P. who works in the office right next to me (he’s the CFO) seems like such a calm, meek guy but he has the dirtiest mouth of anybody I’ve heard here. When he is talking to other men in his office, he says “Fuck” constantly! It’s really strange to hear. I have to wonder what he’s like at home! He just said “fuckin’ 78 fuckin’ percent”. I kid you not.

Virgin Margaritas! They’re green and non-alc-y. Maybe I can have one of those tonight. Or I could dye my apple juice.

Mar 16 2005

It is early- really early- and I am starting to show. I can’t wear my normal pants anymore. I had to go back into my fat pants that I had been saving for just this reason. They are too big everywhere but the belly. If I keep going this way I will have to tell my boss sooner than I anticipated. I’m not sure how he will react. On one hand, he is a catholic. Catholics believe in lots of babies, don’t they? On the other hand, he is a bit of a control freak and he may have a problem with me being gone for six weeks after piglet is born. I was planning on telling in about 4 weeks- around the time I will be entering my second trimester.

The scary thing about showing early is that it could mean twins. Neither John nor I have twins in our families for as far back as we know, and we weren’t taking any fertility drugs or anything, so we don’t know if it’s even possible. The idea is SCARY though. No. No, no. We didn’t sign up for that- it’s not part of the deal! Anyway, I have an appointment with my Midwife next week. Maybe she can help me find the truth.

I read journals every day at work. Some from friends, some from people I don’t know. One of the journals I read regularly is by a girl who is 20 weeks along. Her journal is “sothefishsaid”. Her husband is also an avid blogger. His journal is “Rude Cactus”.
They decided to make a new journal where they can write about their baby, who is nicknamed “Lima-bean”. They call this new journal “Cactus Fish”. Cute, huh? It got me thinking about if John and I tried to combine our Jounal names into one. The only thing I could think of was “Sensible Shoes” and that’s no fun, even if it is the way my life is going right now.

Oh, and refering to the name I used for our baby earlier. We chose “piglet” because I can’t call it “it”, we don’t know the sex , it makes me hungry all of the time and it, at this time, closely resembles a fetal pig. Piglet. Now I don’t have to find new words for baby all the time.

I’m all over the place this morning. I should get some work done.

Mar 11 2005

I had the most horrible dream last night. I had heard that pregnancy dreams could be vivid, but I had no idea…

John and I were coming back from a music festival. John was driving, oddly, and he started to go a way that I didn’t recognize. We pulled up in front of a house that I had never been to before. John got out and went to a woman who had come out on the porch. He talked to her for a moment and then started kissing her. I jumped out of the car and ran to them, screaming. John hardly even reacted. He just seemed annoyed, not guilty or sad or anything. He pushed me aside, shoving his hands into my belly (I was pregnant in the dream, too), and walked back toward the car. He then pulled all of my clothes and things out from the back of the car and carried them to the porch where he dropped them in a pile. The whole time I was following him, sobbing and asking him why he was doing this to me. Every time I tried to get near him he would shove me away again. He poured gasoline all over my pile of clothes and lit a match. He dropped the match near the clothes, but it only touched off a small corner of the pile. I was crying and trying to stomp out the growing fire with my feet which were covered in my fuzzy, leopard print slippers. When I put out the fire, John made a frustrated, annoyed noise and then pushed me one last time and walked inside and shut the door behind him. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get him back, so I gathered up my clothes and took them back to the car. I couldn’t stop crying in these awful, painful, gut-wrenching sobs. I was so sad, not only because John was leaving me for another woman when I had never realized anything was wrong, but also because he was leaving me while I was pregnant with his child AND that he hated me so much that he tried to take away everything I had by burning my stuff. I felt so vulnerable and alone.

The alarm clock woke me up right after that. The first thing I did was roll over and ask John to never leave me and burn all my stuff. It must have been a weird awakening for him.

Mar 07 2005

Please, save me from myself!!!! There are free doughnuts in the coffee room and, even though the thought of doughnuts usually makes me sick, I want one so badly that I can barely restrain myself. Please, talk me down!! Why don’t I want to eat the doughnut? I can’t think of a good reason right now…. The doughnut has hypnotized me. Send help soon or it may be too late!!!

Mar 04 2005

I’m BACK! I’m BACK in the saddle ag… Why does that shit come into my head? WHY?!

I finally figured out my username and password to be able to get into this bloody account. That is what has been keeping me away more than anything. I doubt that anyone even reads this anymore, but I felt like I should start keeping a journal of my time being pregnant so I can look back on it and remind myself why I don’t want to do it twice.

I feel a little silly having the name Heels now, since I really haven’t even worn any lately. I feel so nauseous these days that it is a struggle to even come to work, let alone dress up or have to battle with high heels. It’s a shame, really, but I just can’t get up the energy to feel that guilty about it.

I am REALLY glad I don’t work at Home Depot anymore, though. At least here I can sit down all day and go to the Ladies whenever I need to (about every half hour). I’m also positioned right next to the water cooler so I can be sure of being plenty hydrated. They don’t LET me pick up heavy things. I haven’t told anyone here, yet. I’m really afraid to. I know that they legally can’t fire me for being pregnant, but they could make things very uncomfortable. I guess I’ll know in about 6 weeks when I finally break the news, unless it comes out sooner.

I’m at the end of my sixth week of being pregnant. It’s funny, how they date pregnancies. For those of you who don’t know, the minute a woman concieves she is automatically, magically TWO WEEKS PREGNANT. How does that work? Don’t ask me. One second the baby isn’t even there, the next second it’s two weeks old. Pregnancy is mystifying. So, at six weeks, my baby is about 1/17 of an inch long. I guess it is supposed to TRIPLE in size this next week. I’m sure that just means more cramps for dear old mommy. It probably also means that I will graduate from nausea to vomiting. C’est la vie.

Next Monday John and I are going to tour the Midwife center where I would like to give birth. It seems like a really awesome place and I am excited about seeing it in person. They have three nice birthing rooms, a lovely family waiting room and a Doula service, as well as Midwives who stay with you through the whole delivery. It sounds so comforting. Well, as comforting as the thought of hours upon hours of screaming, bloody pain could sound.

I was afraid that we would get some negative reactions from telling our friends, but everyone has been so wonderful and supportive. My Mom, who I thought would maybe be a little funny about it at first, has already started buying me maternity clothes, to which I say “Yes, please”. I get to have new clothes, be pampered and called special (not ED) AND get a new baby? Jackpot!! John even let me order some clothes off the internet AND agreed that I will need new shoes (I threatened that he would have to tie mine everyday and take them OFF at night!). I got a preggers bathing suit! We are going to be at the Jersey shore when I am 7 1/2 months along (30 weeks) and I intend to show it off.

So friends, thank you for your support- it has meant so much to us. We’ll be needing it in spades from now until you can’t give anymore.