Mar 11 2005

I had the most horrible dream last night. I had heard that pregnancy dreams could be vivid, but I had no idea…

John and I were coming back from a music festival. John was driving, oddly, and he started to go a way that I didn’t recognize. We pulled up in front of a house that I had never been to before. John got out and went to a woman who had come out on the porch. He talked to her for a moment and then started kissing her. I jumped out of the car and ran to them, screaming. John hardly even reacted. He just seemed annoyed, not guilty or sad or anything. He pushed me aside, shoving his hands into my belly (I was pregnant in the dream, too), and walked back toward the car. He then pulled all of my clothes and things out from the back of the car and carried them to the porch where he dropped them in a pile. The whole time I was following him, sobbing and asking him why he was doing this to me. Every time I tried to get near him he would shove me away again. He poured gasoline all over my pile of clothes and lit a match. He dropped the match near the clothes, but it only touched off a small corner of the pile. I was crying and trying to stomp out the growing fire with my feet which were covered in my fuzzy, leopard print slippers. When I put out the fire, John made a frustrated, annoyed noise and then pushed me one last time and walked inside and shut the door behind him. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get him back, so I gathered up my clothes and took them back to the car. I couldn’t stop crying in these awful, painful, gut-wrenching sobs. I was so sad, not only because John was leaving me for another woman when I had never realized anything was wrong, but also because he was leaving me while I was pregnant with his child AND that he hated me so much that he tried to take away everything I had by burning my stuff. I felt so vulnerable and alone.

The alarm clock woke me up right after that. The first thing I did was roll over and ask John to never leave me and burn all my stuff. It must have been a weird awakening for him.