Mar 24 2005

The twin brother of a high school friend hanged himself a few days ago. I didn’t actually know him, but knowing his twin makes it wierd. I can picture it all too well. I liked his brother a lot in school- we had a blast in French class- and I heard that the one who died was a really nice guy. My sister told me that he had just had his third kid, or something like that. I can hardly feel sad. I’m angrier than anything. I know that life can suck and seem really impossible at times, but how selfish do you have to be to do that to your family and especially your children? I guess I’ll never understand the motivation. My heart goes out to his family, not that it will make any difference.

Happier. Today is my Friday for the week. I can really use the day off! John and I are going to see the midwife for the first time tomorrow. We might get to hear piglet’s heartbeat!! I can’t get my hopes up too much because sometimes at this early stage there is too much ambient noise (my heartbeat, digestion) to hear it properly, but I want to try at least. It would make me feel a whole lot more secure if I knew things were still going ok in there. I wish I had a little window into my tummy so I could check on the progress like peeking in on muffins. Or maybe buns? You know… in the oven… I’ve never been patient about waiting for these kinds of things. I’m WAY too excited. I’m the kind of person who picks scabs off early and packs two weeks ahead and makes the souffle drop because I’ve opened the door too many times. I want my belly to be huge now. I want to have my ultasound now. I want to know the sex now. It can’t come fast enough. I saw a lady with a huge belly at dinner last night. I wanted to punch her because I was so jealous. Then I saw how funny her husband looked and decided that maybe she’d had enough punishment. (that was SO mean, but I just can’t help it.)

I found this really funny site yesterday that sells “punk” baby clothing. It’s called “my punk baby”. It’s a little ridiculous, but I’m going to have to get at least one onesie just for the hell of it. I want to learn to print my own so that John and I can come up with all sorts of stuff that should never be on a baby onesie and than dress our child in it. The kid won’t know and it would annoy all the right people. And be funny. If you can’t make jokes about your own kid then who can?

We have two weddings to go to this year. I LOVE weddings! I love them so much I think I’ll marry them. The first is at the beginning of October and I will be enormous. I don’t even know how I will find a dress to fit. The second is next March (okay, so not technically THIS year, gimme a fuckin break). John is going to be a groomsman fo rthat one and I am completely jealous. I’ve only been in a wedding once, except my own and I don’t remember that one. I was in my Grandma’s wedding when I was 14. I want to be in the wedding of friends but I’m not sure how many more friends will even get married. I’ll be in a wedding even if it means I have to fix people up and force them! Watch out boys! Dani’s gonna come give you girlfriends that SHE likes!