May 27 2005

DISCLAIMER:
*****Don’t read this if you haven’t seen the new Star Wars and don’t want it ruined or if you have and liked it and don’t want to hate me*****

That said: I HATED this movie. Where do I even begin?

It was WAY too long. My ass hurt so bad from half-way through on that I was at the point of whimpering. And I don’t even have hemorrhoids! I was so bored that I almost fell asleep on John’s shoulder. I would have if he hadn’t lost so much weight in the last year that his shoulder isn’t the comfy pillow it once was.

The acting- oh hell- the acting!

What about the pregnancy? Did she get a month more pregnant every day? It was like she had the babies in a week! And the birth scene? Give me a fuckin break. Did they cut them out of her or not? If they cut them out of her, why did she whimper each time- she shouldn’t have felt a thing. If she gave birth vaginally, why didn’t she scream more? StupidStupidStupid! And why weren’t the babies bloody AT ALL?

Anikin- Wow, how dumb was he? They drew out his petulant little boy act and then raced though his psychological transformation into Vadar. And why, if he thought he was doing the right thing, did he kill the younglings? Why wouldn’t he have tried to turn them to his side and protected them? Yeah, like the pre-adolescents were in the “jedi plot” thing. Right.

The giant lizard? Why did it keep shrieking? At first I had to check to make sure it wasn’t me and then I just wanted to join in.

I HATE WOOKIES. I hate the way they talk. One wookie? Annoying. A whole world of wookies? The Horror, The Horror!

Oh crap! And what about Senator Palpatine’s head? Was this Star Wars or Star Trek?! I don’t remember it ever looking like that in the original movies. It was just gross and FAKE looking. I guess they ran out of money. Or something.

And we can’t forget the unbelievably annoying droids. Why did they need speaking parts? I’m sure they really furthered the plot development.

Why did Amidala (is that her stupid name?) sleep in a nightgown with pearls draped over her arms and a brooch in the middle of her chest? Can that really be comfortable? Am I missing something here? Plus, her sleeping with Anikin? GROSS. Wasn’t she one of his guardians at one point? Maybe I should call her Woody Allen. (I did have this problem, among MANY others with the previous movie, too)

And who is so lame that they die of a broken heart. “She’s lost her will to live”. Buck up, bitch. You have two new babies to take care of! Lazy-ass teenager-fucker.

Bright notes:

How cute were the younglings (before they were mercilessly slaughtered)?

How cute were the babies?

Every time Yoda came on screen I started singing “Just a gigolo” (http://www.withlouis.com/film/yoda/) to myself… Nearly the only laugh I got.

Overview: suck-donkey-dick movie. Bring an ass pad if you must see it.