Jun 30 2005

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary. I can honestly say that I like and love John more today than the day I married him. And that’s not just the pregnancy hormones talking…

Tonight we are going out to a really nice restaurant. We haven’t been there before, but the reviews and the sample menu sound fantastic. It’s called Eleven and it’s supposed to be “contemporary american” cuisine, whatever that means. I think it just sounds yummy. I’ll give my review tomorrow.

I can’t stop thinking about a comment that the midwife made the other day. She looked at me when I stood up and announced that she loves tall pregnant girls (I’m 5’10″). She said that we’re good pushers (in childbirth). What exactly does it mean to be a good pusher? We can push really hard? We are skilled at pushing? We can push really interestingly? I’m not entirely sure what to make of this. I feel like I have something I have to live up to now but I don’t even know what it is! Can anyone clue me in?

I have my six month review tomorrow. I’m not too concerned but, somehow, not being concerned makes me think I should be. Like everything is going too well. My boss was really nice when he mentioned it to me today though. I don’t know why he’d be upset with me. Almost everyone else around here has told me that they really like me and that I fit in really well. That makes me feel really good because I like most of the people here too. I feel like I fit in pretty well, but having people like me and fitting in doesn’t mean that my boss is happy with my job performance. We’ll see. I know at least that I won’t be getting a raise. No body here gets raises except for upper managment. There is a woman who does a very important job here who hasn’t gotten a raise in 10 years. Nobody really complains because otherwise they’re really pretty good to us. It does kind of suck for those people who have high stress jobs and have been here a while, but I don’t really care for myself at this point. I would keep this job just for the free health insurance (good insurance- for me AND my family, for free)!

Just 14 more days until I have my car!! WOOHOO!!!!!!

Jun 29 2005

I feel so abandoned! All my lovely commentors have dissappeared. Did I do something to drive you all away? Was it the shoes? You hate the shoes, don’t you?

Anyway, yet again my wonderful husband gave me a great massage last night. He’s really getting talented! I’ve paid for worse massages. Plus, this was on the eve of his birthday. (Happy 26th, Baby!) What a wonderful man…

Tomorrow is our 4th wedding anniversary. I really can’t believe that it’s been 4 years. I keep thinking it just happened the summer before last or something. It was a really fun wedding for us and, I hope, for our guests. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately because my friend is getting married in october. I’ve been trying to think of good advice to give her which has led me to reminiscing. I’ve realized that I really do only remember the good parts unless I try hard to remember the bad (the shitty bartender and equally shitty DJ, for example). The bad things don’t piss me off anymore even when I do think about them. It was just so great to have our family and friends together- literally a once in a lifetime event. I can’t think of anything that would bring that same collection of people together in the same place again.

I had a midwife appointment yesterday. Everything is right on track. The one bummer is that the midwife was the only one I hadn’t met before and I think she’s my least favorite. I would take any of the others over her. I’m sure that everything would work out fine even if we did get her for the delivery (knowing my luck we will!), I mean, she certainly knows her stuff. I just feel a lot more comfortable around the others. She’s a little too woo-woo hippie even for me! Plus, I’m an atheist and she majored in religion for her undergrad… it would be an interesting mix. I’d probably rip her throat out if she tried to start a prayer in the middle of labor! Not a pretty picture. That said, she knows I’m an atheist and, I’m sure, would be a professional about eveything. One would hope.

Jun 29 2005

Even MORE pictures to slow down loading time!
These were taken at 22 weeks (I’m now at 23). Thing is, I’m on the low side of normal for weight gain. You wouldn’t know by looking at this belly though!

Jun 27 2005

Why, John Fluevog, WHY?! Why do you have to make shoes I can’t resist? Why can’t you make me hate you? The only thing I hate about you is that I CAN’T AFFORD YOU!!!!!!!! WAHHHHH!!!!!!!

Jun 27 2005

I think everyone should know- I have a truly marvelous husband. Not only does he put up with my shit DAILY, but he, very willingly I might add, gave me a fantastic massage last night. With fancy massage oil and everything. He even agreed to watch the pregnancy massage portion of my yoga dvd before he started so that he would know the areas he shouldn’t touch. He’s so thoughtful. Yes, I did give him a shoulder/back massage quickly first, but it was very quick and I got a foot, leg and back massage in return- a good investment, I’d say. Also a very relaxing way to end a nice weekend. He basically put me to sleep. I just had to scooch over to my side of the bed with my boyfriend/body pillow and go to sleep. Ahhh…

Cole has been keeping us enthralled by his alien-like punches and kicks to the belly. It’s so fun to think about how big he must be getting by now. This week he’s probably about 12 inches long from head to heel and he probably weighs about a pound. I’m sure it must be getting a little cramped in there. You’d think that babies would be happy to come out after so long being stuck in one position, but most of them seem to be pretty unhappy about the change and you have to swaddle them to try to recreate the environment. Weird little creatures.

We only have a couple more weeks to wait for the car! It seems like I’ve been waiting for this car forever some days and other days that the time has just screamed by. What happened to June, anyway? Before this week is over it’ll be July! I’m not complaining, in fact, I ‘m happy to have the time pass so painlessly, I’m just wondering how I spent it. I must have been in a work induced coma for a couple weeks. Soon it will be August and I’ll get to leave this place for a week and then it will be October and we’ll have our baby boy! I’m not going to acknowledge September this year. I think it was just put there to annoy me.

I’ve been giving some thought to what I will do (besides reaching up and yanking this kid out by myself) if I’m still pregnant for Halloween. I’ve had the same suggestion from several people so far about what I should dress up as. Funnily enough, most of the people doing the suggesting have been Catholic. They’ve all said I should be a pregnant nun. I’m not so sure. I guess I should also think about what to dress Cole as if he has come out by that time (like a good boy). Maybe a caterpillar or a pea-pod. Any suggestions? Even if we don’t go anywhere we’ll have to dress up just for pictures. Jeez, maybe he’ll be born ON Halloween and I won’t have to do anything! That would suck. That would mean that every Halloween, instead of getting a babysitter and going out, I’ll have to stay home for my kid’s damn birthday. Let him have any other day! (I’m really just joking-Halloween’s WAY more fun when you do trick-or-treating with kids. They do all the work for the candy and then you take it away and eat it all yourself because it’s not good for their teeth. Really, I’m not mean and selfish, I’m just health conscious.) But really, I’d love to hear the costume suggestions that everybody comes up with.

Jun 27 2005

My good pal Otis (Green Apron Monkey over there to the left) has tagged me to answer a meme-thingy about 6 albums and six songs that mean something to me. Bitch. Really, I’ve never been good about knowing specific songs or remembering the names/artists of ones I like and I REALLY don’t know albums. So I am going to answer the song part as much as I can and forget the album part even exists (unless I think of something). Here we go. I’m sure that as soon as I post this I will remember all the songs I REALLY should have put down and might have to do this all over again…

In no particular order:

1) Red Dress- Maia Sharp
This is a song that I came across just recently via the awesome local public radio station (one of the few things I like and would miss about Pittsburgh). It is a song about being anti-conformist without any of the teenage-angsty bad poetry that usually comes with that subject. The lyrics are good, the tune is good, her voice is good- what more can you ask for? You won’t take away my red dress. (Nor my red shoes, for that matter.)

2) I’m Not a Virgin Anymore- Poe
Not a new song, but a good older one. I don’t like this song because I can identify with it (I’m not really a bitter ho), but because it’s fun to sing along to something that is so unlike yourself. And it’s just a fun song to sing along to, Period. Not many songs by girls are nasty, either, especially non-rap songs. Good bitchy fun.

3) The next would be a classical song- I think by Bach. Honestly, I love this song but I never bother remembering what it is. I’ll find it and get back to you and tell you why it’s meaningful then.

4) Landslide- Any version
It just makes me think about my Mom and Sister. We were going to sing it at Strawberry. Maybe next year. Sometimes when I’m feeling all pregnant and hormonal it makes me cry- I’m not really sure why…

5) Art Star- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This song just makes me crack up. Every. TIme. It’s so true… (Say it in your best Kids in the Hall voice.)

6) Nina Simone. I just can’t choose a song. No one does pure, gut-wrenching emotion like Nina. Billie Holliday only wishes she could have the talent that Nina does in her little fingernail. No contest. Plus, you gotta love a lady who got so disgusted with America that she moved to France. She’s my idol.

WHEW. That’s hard. I’m sure I made some glaring ommissions (they’re just not glaring yet- I’ll wait til I see the whites in their eyes).

A couple albums I thought of:

1) The White Album- The Beatles (duh!)
This was the first CD my family owned. We bought it before we even owned a CD player. My sister and I wanted to hear it so badly that we made a tape (of what, I don’t remember) to play for my parents. We had just heard about subliminal messages and thought we would try it out. When we played the tape for my parents, every so often the music would stop and you could hear us chanting “get a CD player, get a CD player” over and over. Then the music would fade back in. We hadn’t realized that our tape recorder would cut out the music when we recorded our voices. My parents thought it was so funny that they did, eventually, buy a CD player- a much bigger investment then than now! When we finally got to hear the album, all the wait was worth it. We played the crap out of it. Still, when I hear a song from that album (or almost any Beatles, really) it’s almost as if I was born knowing it. They were some of the first songs I learned to play on my guitar, too. I think I’ll have to buy it for Cole- it’s something no one should grow up without.

2) Metallica- Metallica (the black album)
Maybe not great, but what got me into metal and metal’s just fun. (Too bad Metallica went down the shitter though)

3) Beastie Boys- Ill Communication
Again, maybe not great but what got me into rap (if you can call it that). Still one I love for long car trips.

4) Ry Cooder- I forget the album. ACK!
I still have memories of being 2 years old and dancing with my daddy to this album in our house in Tennessee. Those were the good days before my sister came (just joking- mostly!) I loved having him spin me around. My dad is still one of the most fun guys to dance with. One of the biggest reasons I wished I was having a daughter was so that she could have memories like this with her daddy and grandad, but maybe they’ll dance with Cole and his memories will be just as good.

I guess my album list isn’t so much about favorites as it is about influences. I could probably do this everyday and come up with something different each time. ALready I’m thinking of things that maybe should have been on it. I’ll obsess over this for weeks now- thanks a lot Otis! Let me know how I can return the favor!!

Jun 24 2005

Big belly happenins last night! I’m so excited. I was lying on the futon waiting for John to be finished with the computer (so I could talk to him, not use it myself) when I realized that my belly was wiggling. I propped myself up and looked closer and was finally able to see Cole’s kicks! He was really active and I told John to come over quick to see. He was distracted by the fucking computer (like ALWAYS) and wouldn’t come over for a few minutes. Of course, by then Cole decided to take a break. I was pissed that whatever was on the computer was more important (even though it wasn’t likely to GO AWAY or anything) than seeing his son move. This is not a new issue with us. He waited for a little while watching my belly but it didn’t really happen again as strongly. He missed out and it really sucked. Later that night while we were reading in bed Cole started jumping around again. I pulled the covers off and yelled at John to look. Cole cooperated by continuing to give my insides a pummeling so his daddy could see him- and see him well! John got really excited too and couldn’t help putting a hand on my belly to feel the enormous jumps. It was amazing. Cole made it hard to fall asleep with all the dancing he was doing in there. I woke up at about 4:30 to find him balled up in the top right section of my uterus. Before this morning, he had been a lot more spread out, or at least I couldn’t feel him in any distinct spot like that. It was really neat to be able to put my hand on his little body and feel like I was cupping his tiny bum in my palm. Maybe I wasn’t, but that’s what it felt like. It was very sweet. I feel like he’s leaping over all sorts of developmental hurdles all of a sudden. My baby is growing up so fast already!

We have a midwife appointment next tuesday. I really enjoy going to my appointments. Being in the midwife center and around the midwives makes me feel really calm and comfortable- which is good since that’s where I plan to give birth! They are really amazing women and, though I don’t get to choose which of the five will actually attend the birth, I have no worries that they will take really good care of us.

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am in my sixth month of pregnancy. For some reason, I kept thinking that I was still only in my fifth month. This weekend I will be at 23 weeks. Only a week more and I will be a full six months pregnant and off into my seventh month. SEVEN! I felt like it would NEVER get here! Next week I will have only 17 weeks left… crazy. It seems like only yesterday that I was walking around with my tummy pooched out so that EVERYBODY would know I was pregnant. No need anymore! Those 17 weeks are going to go fast too, what with my mom coming and our vacation in august. That’s alright. We don’t really have much to get ready. We aren’t doing a baby’s room since he will be sleeping in ours; we have a few more things to buy- like a crib and diapers- but there’s no rush, we know where to get both quickly; we’ve got the childbirth classes lined up for July- one per week for the whole month, no biggie; if he didn’t get any more clothes between now and birth he would still be a well dressed young man (I’d just have a lot of laundry to do!). Yeah, there’s stuff I’d like to take care of but if most of it doesn’t get done it won’t be the end of the world. I’m trying my best to just be realxed about all this, since I have a history of psyching myself out. So far I’m doing pretty well. There have been no hysterical hypochondriac calls to the midwife (actually, no calls at all!) and by that I am amazed!

Jun 23 2005

Sometimes the people you work with can make your job nicer. I have a reason for this, but I just can’t go into it. I don’t mean to be cryptic.

Mr. Baby Cole has been a wiggle butt the last couple days. It’s fun to try to guess what he’s doing in there like “was that his arm?” or “was that his butt or his head?”. There’s not much discernable movement from the outside yet, so it’s still my private little game. Sometimes it helps the time go by.

I don’t really feel fat, I just feel HEAVY. The muscles in my belly hardly feel adequate sometimes and the muscles around my knees have stopped really doing their job. It’s much harder to get out of chairs or bed. I tried to do my Yoga DVD the other day and it just felt like my belly was dragging me down. I have some concerns that, if my labor goes for a long time, I may not have the strength to last and will need an epidural. I loathe the whole idea of epidurals. I understand why most women get them, but I will do almost ANYTHING to avoid one. I have surprised myself in the past with the reserves of strength and will that have have buried inside. If anything could bring them out, I think this could.

I talked with my mom today about her deliveries. She didn’t have an epidural with me or my sister and she says that her labor with each of us was only about 8 or 9 hours long. I hope some of that is hereditary! I’m not really all that scared about delivery. I think fear is a big problem for a lot of women and why they feel more pain and are more likely to resort to drugs. I’m excited more than anything. Birth can usually take care of itself. It’s not a medical condition, it’s a natural process. (Yeah, I know, so is death but… you know what I mean.) I know that problems can come up that need special attention, but why go into it thinking that that will happen. Why not go into it thinking that it will be the most amazing and exciting experience of your life? No, it won’t turn a breech baby but it might help relieve some “pain”.

Belly button status: still an innie, but stretched WAY out of shape!

Jun 22 2005

Yesterday was one of the worst days so far here at work. Unfortunately, I can’t go into detail but let’s just say that I still have questions about my future here. I came close to quitting just so that I wouldn’t have to come in this morning, but I don’t want to do that and I can’t afford to do that. In general, I like my job and the people I work with. I could use a bit more mental stimulation on a regular basis, but I usually don’t have much to complain about otherwise. Yesterday, though, as I drove away from work to pick up John I had tears streaming down my face. I didn’t really get a hold on myself until after I got home and had a short nap. The day just plain old sucked.

However, I can’t dwell on it any longer or allow it to color my day today (though it is trying REALLY hard). We did get, by way of some new parents in John’s department, some nice hand-me-down baby stuff. The thing that will come in the handiest and save us the most money is an electric milker…I mean breast-pump. It’s just on loan, but it’s still going to save our asses when I have to come back to work, and for that I am supremely grateful. They also gave us a boppy, a couple of toys (one on loan) and a few really precious pieces of clothing. The extra nice part is that I don’t have to feel awkward about the clothes because they are all actually things I would have picked- no worrying that they’ll be offended if I don’t use them. Oh yeah, and some recieving blankets and a couple of tiny diapers (so cute when they’re clean!). I tell ya, this hand-me-down thing is the way to go!

My other stressor yesterday was that I didn’t feel Cole move as much as I am used to. I was poking my belly all day to try to get him to give me a couple good kicks, but there just wasn’t much. Last night I realized it was just because he was saving his energy for an all-night boogie-a-thon. He’s a lot more active today too, so no need to worry. It probably all seemed worse yesterday because it felt like I just wasn’t catching a break on the bad stuff happening. Most days are smooth sailing, but when the storm hits- watch the fuck out.

There are only a couple weeks left until my mom comes with my “new” car. That’s enough of a relief to make me want to cry all on it’s own! My car is sliding downhill into the junk-heap and gaining momentum every time I have to drive it. It’s just not safe any more. It will be really nice to see my mom, too. I haven’t seen her since last Thanksgiving. It’s been really hard for me to be pregnant for the first time in a town where I basically only know my husband and with my family 2500 miles away. Seeing her, even if just for the weekend, will be rejuvinating. It’ll be fun to see her reaction to my big belly! They haven’t seen pictures at all. Seeing her for a short time will help me get through until August, when I’ll get to see my whole family. I can’t wait. After August, she’ll be back in October to help me out with Cole. I told her that she should just save on air fare and stay from July to next Thanksgiving. She didn’t find that as appealing as I did. My dad would probably object, too.

Jun 22 2005

Hey Hannah! I was able to find you before but now can’t. Email me! heels9@JUNKYSTUFFTOBLOCKhotmail.com.