Jun 17 2005

Though I feel hideously guilty about it, sometimes I feel like I don’t really want to be a mother. Yeah, I know, I was trying to concieve and I had been talking about it forever before that, but now that I’m at that place where there’s no going back I’m a little scared. This is a change unlike any other in life. Not only have you made a decision for yourself, but also for another new person. What other choice is like that? So final and not only effecting you? Even death, though it matches in finality, doesn’t have a part similar to making the choice to bring a new life into the world. I will never not be a parent. My child is coming whether I like it or not and, even if I chose to put it up for adoption (something that will NEVER happen) that won’t change the fact that I gave birth to it. It’s somewhat panic inducing. I mean, can I change my order? I’d like a little monkey instead. That can’t cost as much as a baby, but I won’t ask for a refund or anything. Well?

But I love this boy. I love him already and I’ve only seen a few minutes of him wiggling around and looking very blue and alien. I don’t really want to go back, it’s just hard to not have the option. He will be with me all the time for the rest of my life, whether he is physically or not. How do parents cope with that?

It blows me away that so many people have children. They must just not think about it, but I don’t see how you couldn’t. I can’t stop. I appreciate my friends who have thought about it enough to realize that they don’t want children. I think we are the first in our close group to have a kid, which is surprising coming from our town. Most of the others I knew from high school had kids right away and probably have several by now. But this whole group has made it to ages 25-27 (approximately) with none. And they are wonderful people. They all just think a lot. The sad thing is, they are smart people who would, no doubt, have really cool kids.

John and I have decided on one, unless we strike it really rich! We ethically can’t see having more than one in a lot of ways. We each, at one point, thought about having none, but I think that (despite the anxiety) we are both very excited now that it’s happening. I don’t think I’ll ever need to do it again though.

At this point, I think I need to try to stop thinking about it. Is it really doing me any good? I’m just driving myself into a panic about something about which I can no longer do anything.

Deep breaths.

Jun 17 2005

Here’s what I got:

What Kind of Freaky Mother are you?