Jul 28 2005

Weird things going on at work have left me with little time to post lately. I think everything will be okay, but the company is in a strange place right now. I’m trying to be optimistic.

So I am now almost finished with my 27th week of pregnancy. After next week I will be seven FULL months pregnant and into my 8th month. Wow. Hello 3rd trimester! I only have about 13 weeks left of this before I have a real live baby in my home. Too weird. I think it’s probably time to get the crib since I will, no doubt, be the one needing to put it together and I am sliding fast down capable hill. Soon all I’ll be able to do is eat and whine. Everything else will be too uncomfortable.

I had a midwife appointment yesterday morning. I had to be there extra early so that I could do the one hour glucose tolerance test. So I got there on time and sat down and the front desk lady handed me the glass of glucola and told me I had three minutes to finish. I gulped it down as quickly as I could. It tasted like orange soda would if the carbonated water was left out. It was made even worse by the fact that I had just brushed my teeth and I personally don’t feel that mint and orange are a spectacular mix. I got it down though. I went to the bathroom to test my urine (I have to do it evey time- just put a little stick in the cup and check the color) and weigh myself. I gained only 4 pounds (the recommended amount) in the last month and only 20 for the whole pregnancy- pretty darn good. I went into see the midwife and everything with Cole checked out and I was feeling like it was a pretty good appointment. Then I went back out to the waiting room. While I had been in with the midwife, the front desk lady realized that the supplier of the glucola had sent the wrong size bottles and I had gotten only a HALF dose. By that time it was too late to take the other half and have it work properly. I have to do it AGAIN next time I have an appointment (which are every other week now). EEEWWWWWWWW. I’m really not looking forward to that. I do like going to the midwife every other week, though. It means less time I have to spend with my paranoid fears between appointments. And I get to hear his heartbeat every time- it’s like beautiful music!

We had our last childbearing essentials class Tuesday night. YEAH!! Everybody was glad to be finished! THe really annoying couple weren’t there, which we couldn’t figure out until we took a tour of the birthing rooms at the hospital (just in case we can’t give birth at the center). There in the waiting room was the father, looking like total shit. Her water broke at 35 weeks and she had to rush to the hospital. She was in labor, after inducement, for about 30 hours and was able to give birth vaginally. 30 HOURS!!! The baby boy was doing okay even though he was born with the cord around his neck three times. He was still in NICU because of severe jaundice. He was 6 1/2 pounds even that early! Imagine if he’d gone to full term… Damn. Anyway, we’re glad to have the class finished. We may all get together for a “reunion” once all the babies are born. Maybe.

Stupid, goddamn belly button= still an innie. Bitch.

Jul 18 2005

Oh boy… Mr. Baby’s stompin’ around on my insides today. Wow- the kid just won’t stop moving! Truth be told- I love it. Even though he’s giving me a killer back ache, every movement is a reminder that he’s really in there and doing okay. Last Friday I didn’t feel him as much as I thought I should and it made me freak out. He seems to be making up for it today!

Scroll down to the very bottom for my new pregnancy tickers. Now you can follow along at home!

Harry Potter update: Barnes and Noble sucks ass. They ran out of books for their pre-ordered customers and can’t promise more until August 15th! Bullshit!! I canceled my order and we’ll go buy one tonight.

Belly button update: Still an innie when I stand up but it’s a flattie when I sit or lie down. I wish it would make up its mind already!

I got some absolutely adorable things for Cole from Mom and Dad. I will take some pictures and post on the best. Yay for Grandparents!!

Jul 18 2005

We had a pretty good weekend.

My Mom was here with MY NEW CAR. Mom was great. Car is awesome. It was really hard dropping her off at the airport this morning. It sucks that they make it so hard to see somebody off now. I couldn’t leave my car and go in with her or anything. I felt like a bum just getting out and hugging her and then driving away. I cried on my way back and there’s a good chance I will at times today too. Damn pregnancy hormones. I’ll see her in just over three weeks though, along with the rest of my family. I need things like that to look forward to to get me through this time.

We had a wonderful time with her here despite the awful weather. This is the worst most people around here can remember it being and we don’t have air conditioning. Yuk. When she got here on Friday I was able to rush home and meet her. I opened the door and Yoko greeted us happily. Mom was gently petting Yoko when, seemingly out of nowhere, Yoko snarled and bit her hand! She’s never done anything like that before! I was shocked and mortified. She didn’t break skin but she raised welts where her teeth scraped against Mom’s fingers. I yelled at her and tapped her on her nose (which is a HUGE punishment for her!) and she cowered and tried to “apologize”. Mom, who isn’t a huge dog fancier to begin with, obviously didn’t have the best first impression. Luckily, there were no other incidents the rest of the time and Yoko actually looked for her to come in the door after me when I came home from the airport this morning. I think they’ll be friends but now I worry about Yoko coming on vacation with us where there will be lots of new people including my three year old nephew who is already horribly afraid of dogs. *sigh* I guess we’ll see… She’s never acted like that around new people before.

On Saturday we all went to buy a new mattress for Mom. She’s going to be living with us for about three weeks after Cole is born so we thought we would just get a comfortable mattress now so she could get more use out of it. We went to Ikea and found one that was in our price range and, though not a hugely nice mattress, would do for the limited amount of use it will get. We realized though, after deciding on it, that there was going to be no way to fit it into the car (even though we had my new CR-V- it’s not THAT big). So, we decided to put it on the roof. John and Mom had to do the lashing on since I’m little help with this belly getting in the way. Though they did a great job, they sort of neglected to tie down the front. We also realized that, since we had to tie everything through the windows, I would have to sit inside and tie all the lines except the ones coming through the back and then they would have to climb in the back to get to their seats. Sooo… we’re going along the highway slowly and we hit 40. Whoomp. We hear the mattress front lift off the roof and I feel the car handling change. The mattress stayed on but it was bending back at the first tie down. We pulled over and were going to get out and try my suggestion of tying the front to the grille or somewhere up front, when I realized that, to be able to get out, we would have to cut some strings. We were entirely tied into the car. We decided it was just too much trouble and continued along never going above 40 mph. I’m sure that there were other motorists who were irritated, but I hope that most were able to just get a laugh out of the sight. We were all laughing. We got it home safely with very little evidence that it had sustained such trauma.

Mom and I spent the day together on Sunday and just drove and walked around town and talked. It was wonderful. I have a great time with my family whenever I get to see them. We’re not the kind of family with huge amounts of drama. Any drama usually comes from outside. We tend to all get along together now that my sister and I are older. We did a tiny bit of baby shopping and I think I found the crib I will get. I guess I’ll have to get it soon-ish. Weird to think about that. First, though, I have to clean my room… It’s getting harder and harder to bend over to pick clothes off the floor so I’ve been particularly neglectful. I’ve gotta get my act together before I get any bigger.

It’s been great driving my new car. I hadn’t realized just how horrible my old car was until I started getting used to my new one- and I got used to it fast! It even has a 6 CD changer!! That’ll be nice for our road trip this summer. Now if only it played MP3s… I guess I can’t have everything. It’s really just fantastic to be able to climb in without hitting my head and to be able to put groceries in the back seat or the very back without bending over and tweaking my back. I know its height will be a huge bonus when trying to lift a kid in and out of a carseat. And to have all the parts working- marvellous! And nothing’s hanging off! And it starts! And the tires are like new! and the windshield wipers sweep rain off! And both headlights work! And it corners without making you feel like the car is trying to ride on the two outside wheels! WOW! It’s great. And it’s pretty.

The new Harry Potter book came out and I had it pre-ordered just out of convenience but now I’m pissed because it’s not here yet. We should have had it on Friday. Stupid mail. I’m not fiendish about Harry Potter, but I do like the books very much and have read them several times and was looking forward to this realease. I say I’m not fiendish because I wouldn’t go to a Harry Potter midnight book release party and I don’t own any other Harry Potter merchandise aside from the books. BUT I will read the book like the pages are on fire and I may read it twice in a row. I love fantasy settings that I can escape into and I think the JK Rowling has developed this one really well. Yeah, they’re technically kid’s books, but they’re better writing than I’ve found in some “adult” books lately.

We have a slow week coming up. We may go to dinner on a boat on the river on Friday which will at least be interesting and free. Everything feel sort of anti-climactic after waiting so long for Mom and the car to get here. I just have to keep repeating: only 3 weeks until vacation, only 3 weeks until vacation. After that we’ll only have 10 weeks until the due date! That feels at the same time like forever and like a second. We’ll be there before we know it!

I guess that means I should get crackin’ on my room…

Jul 14 2005

The childbearing class was still stupid (why do they still treat us as if we’re in high school?), but the other couples were far more tolerable this time. I actually enjoyed talking briefly to a couple of them. I do think that maybe everybody was a bit more relaxed this time.

This class is making me more pissed off about the last midwife I saw, though. For one thing, the teacher of the class is promising that I’ll be allowed to hold my son as soon as he comes out, which I want. The midwife, on the other hand, told me that they’d let me get the placenta out and get him cleaned up before they’d give him to me. NO. Give him to me right away! I’ve waited so long and worked so hard- give me my reward! There are other little things like that. I’m sure that it means that I will get her at my birth even though I’d rather have ANY of the others. She treated me more like doctors treat me than any other nurse or midwife has before. There’s a reason I didn’t go with doctors for this birth and try to avoid them in general. It’s sad, really. I expected more. But, like with the class, I’ll try to have a good attitude no matter what happens.

I’ve been doing a lot of lurking around pregnant message boards and places like My Space lately. I’ve been really surprised at the number of women who are planning c-sections for convenience or planning on being drugged as much as possible to push their babies out. I just don’t understand. Can somebody explain this to me? Why has birth become so medicalized? When did c-sections move out of the realm of emergency major abdominal surgery? I guess it’s just this culture of convenience. They all want McDonald’s births. Get the Taco Bell epidural! The Wendy’s episiotomy! Next they’ll try to figure out how to do it as a drive-thru.

I want to experience every part of my labor and delivery. I can’t believe the amazing things that a body can do and I think that I’ll feel very powerful- I’d say empowered if I wasn’t sick to death of that damn word. Besides that, I don’t believe in unnecessary surgery or in unnecessary drugs. Or in drugging my newborn baby, which an epidural does. I’ll accept medical help should something go wrong, but other than that I think it’s a bit of a copout. I’m lucky, I guess, to be healthy and have maternity care-givers who believe as I do and are willing to put in the extra work that it entails. I will not be encouraged to accept drugs or an episiotomy or a c-section unless they truly believe it is medically necessary for the health of me or my son. I suppose that I’m in a somewhat priviledged position, but I believe that if more women requested to do things this way, and really stood up for their right to do so, that it would become more available. Supply and demand.

But, sadly, they don’t. And maybe they just don’t know it’s an option.

Jul 12 2005

We have our second Childbearing Essentials class tonight. I’m really trying to go into it with a good attitude. I’m trying to tell myself that maybe the people were strange partly because it was the first night and everybody was a little uncomfortable with the new experience. Right? …Wish me luck.

My mom should get here on friday afternoon with my car! Finally!! I bought this car two months ago (or it feels like that at least) and I haven’t even driven it yet. It’s a good thing that it will be here soon because my car is threatening a little more each morning that it just won’t start one of these days. Talk about a bad attitude.

Of course the first thing I will have to do when I get my new car is put my new car-seat in it. Just to test it out. I’m not anxious or anything…no, no way. I’m just fine with waiting 12-15 more weeks to meet my son. Just fine.

I think my mom is bringing some shower gifts with her too. I’ll have to wait until mid-august when we go on vacation to open those. So unfair!! It’s like having your christmas presents under the tree for a month before you get to open them. TORTURE!!! Like I’m not being tortured with waiting enough. (I WANT HIM NOW, DAMMIT, NOW!!) She’s also bringing massage. My mother is an amazing massage giver even though she’s never been formally trained. It must help that she’s been in constant pain for a large portion of her life and has gotten MANY massages from many different therapists through the years. I suppose you pick up a few tricks. I also think it helps one’s ability to relieve pain if one has physical pain. Whatever the reason, she gives me better massages than anybody (John’s are wonderful and he is developing his skills quite nicely, but she has more experience).

Anywho… the real life has been fairly uneventful. I had a little pregnancy scare, but I think I just got myself worked up because it has been going so smoothly. The midwife I talked to was very reassuring and made me feel a hell of a lot better. I keep feeling like something is going to go wrong, but maybe I’ve finally found something that my body is actually good at. Maybe I should be a surrogate. I’ve thought about it in the past, especially for gay men who don’t have a lot of other options. They can’t have my eggs, but maybe I could carry the baby. Then again, the food restrictions and physical changes from this pregnancy have been making me loony and I love and get to keep this kid. It might not be quite worth it for a child that’s not my own. Perhaps I’m not selfless enough. Fault me if you will…

Jul 11 2005

I’d just like to start by saying that I welcome and appreciate ALL comments regardless of whether they are agreeing with me or debating what I say. It’s cool- that’s part of why I write. I love hearing from any/everybody. It’s why I make art, too. Dissenting opinions can be the greatest inspiration. I have no wish to live in a world where everybody thinks the same things I do- how damn boring would that be.

That said- If you’d like to leave comments on my page, and you are welcome to, please make them make sense. Especially if they sound vaguely like they may be questioning my opinions. And please, even if you don’t sign in (which I understand- not everybody who reads this is on blogger or has a web page/blog of their own) please leave your name (real or on-line persona) in the body of the message. These totally anonymous comments drive me bonkers, especially when I’d like to clarify something with the poster. If you don’t leave any indication of who you are then how can I respond or defend myself/ my opinion. All I ask for is a little fairness here- none of this slipping the knife in my back and running away crap.

So thanks, everybody, for all of your comments. I look forward to future communications fun and serious.

Jul 08 2005



I’m just so depressed about London that I can hardly think about it properly. The thing that makes me even more sad than the fact that so many people got killed or injured? The thought that this will lend so much support to the revolting war in Iraq. I mean, Blair is behind the war, being a political shit-sucker like Bush, but the people of England weren’t as fervent. Now? I’m sure there are still dissenters, but I’m also sure they must be in the extreme minority. I understand getting angry when you’ve been attacked at home, and this was, in relation to their population, an attack like 9-11 (ughh- that phrase still makes me queasy). But this war did not need any more ammo. Maybe England will surprise me, but, then again, they are humans and humans in groups, especially when threatened, are not the clearest thinking creatures.

One guy in my office came up to my desk today and, just as a pleasantry said “what’s up”. I said “it’s so sad about London” (I’m bad at pleasantries- I always assume people want a real answer). He said something about al-Qaida. I said “well, they’re not sure it was them”. He said “you’re a liberal, aren’t you”. I said “I guess”. He said “so, do you think they should be protected under the Geneva convention when they’re captured or should they be shot and killed on sight?” I froze for a moment while my brain tried to process this. I said “well, I guess I think it depends on the context.” He said “No it doesn’t. They’re not a real, uniformed army and we should kill them when we see them. It’s completely black and white.” I think I gaped.

I’m so nauseated by the fact that anyone thinks this way. How can something so complex ever be thought of as “black and white”? There are so many things wrong with what he said that I can’t even go into it. Right now, I just don’t think I could make sense of it all enough to write anything anybody would understand. Do you ever feel that way? Like something is just too insane to even break into enough pieces to think clearly about?

So all you “liberals” hold your loved ones close, because some of the scariest people out there aren’t the ones our government is fighting. And good luck to all of us trying to raise our children. Sometimes it feels like humanity is tough to come by.

Jul 06 2005

We had our first of four “Childbearing Essentials” classes last night. The class is fine- nuthin’ special- but the other parents are HORRIBLE! There were 5 other couples besides us and four were the most boring, lack-luster couples EVER. The fifth couple got there late, talked loudly to each other and broke in with totally inappropriate comments constantly. I wanted to smash the father’s face into the table top. I hope these people get a little more lively next time. John and I were the only ones who would answer questions or who paid attention to instructions. We were separated at one point into two groups- men and women. THe men had to put together a felt pregnant woman. The women had to match different items to cards that had typical male concerns on them. These women couldn’t figure out what to do! Kindergarteners could have figured it out faster than these idiots. They also refused to touch the (still wrapped) condoms in the bag. What’s the big deal? Have you really never seen a condom before? Now they think I’m weird because I didn’t care. Like we’re supposed to pretend that we’ve never had sex before. We’re all PREGNANT for fuck’s sake! Sometimes I wonder if I’m so different because I’m from California or if people are this dumb everywhere and I just never noticed before. Where are all the cool mommies? Aren’t there any in Pittsburgh?
We ended the night with some relaxation techniques. John sat against the wall and I sat between his legs leaning against him. It was really comfy. We did deep breathing together and I was relaxed by just being near him. I think he will be really helpful when I’m in labor. I don’t know how I’d do it without him. It was so relaxing that I actually went home a lot less annoyed by the other couples! Amazing! I love him.
By the way, he’s the best and you should check out his site. He’s johnnylogic over on the left (remember, I can’t link on this stupid mac). I’m just glad that nobody else knows how awesome he is or they might try to steal him from me and I would have to kill somebody.

Jul 05 2005

I’ve been doing some thinking about kids and religion. It’s a tough topic for me. I was not raised to be religious- my parents sort of let us have a free for all with that subject- and I was thrown out of the episcopalian church when I was 5 and became a die-hard atheist by age 8. That means that I don’t really have an ideology with traditions and stories and crap already built in. So what’s an atheist to do? How do I answer questions my son is sure to come up with so that he feels like he can make his own decisions? Part of why I dislike organized religion is that people get guilted into following whatever their parents believe and they are never taught to question it. I don’t want to do that. I won’t be thrilled if my son decides to believe in god, but I want him to be a free thinker (and I will always love him). But what do I do? Yeah, sure, I can say “well some people think this but other people think this other opposite thing” which only works until he asks what his daddy and I think. I don’t want to lie. These questions are bound to come up before I can hand him a book and say figure it out for yourself and then we’ll talk. Religious people must have it so easy.

I’ve also been remembering one of my favorite stories about my Dad. When I was about 10 years old I decided to cut my hair really short. Since I was too young to have boobs or hips or anything, I ended up looking like an effeminate boy most of the time, something which caused my little pre-teen heart and psyche great pain. One day, my parents had gone out and left me home alone (we lived in a very safe, quiet neighborhood kind of out in the country). I heard a car pull up in the drive and figured it was either Mom or Dad and went outside to greet them. It wasn’t. Instead, it was two bible thumpers. The first thing that was said to me when they walked up the stairs was “Hello YOUNG MAN, is your father home?” I stared at him for a second and then said “I’m a girl.” The old man did a double take and the young man looked ashamed. The old man then launched into a sermon about how women shouldn’t cut their hair and that it was an offense to god and I should be ashamed and never do it again. This lasted a good 10-15 minutes. I stood dumbfounded the whole time (the young man still looked ashamed). I finally found my voice again and told them that my parents weren’t home and that I had things to do. They loaded my arms up with literature and the old man chastized me once more before they hopped into their car and took off. Not long after, my father came home and found me huddled on the living room couch sobbing my eyes out. He asked me what was wrong and, once I managed to calm down, I told him everything that had happened. I have never seen my father so upset in my whole life as I saw him get that day. He was purple with rage. I happened to look outside and see the two guys down at our neighbors house. I told my Dad. He stomped out of the house and across the field and down the hill. Just then my Mom got home and I gave her the quick run through. We stood on top of the hill together and watched as my Dad ripped into those two guys. I could have sworn that he was going to kill them (my Dad is a VERY intimidating guy at the best of times). They were leaning backward and he was towering over them. It was like a cartoon. He ended by reaching into the open backseat window of their car and pulling out as much of their literature as he could reach and ripping it apart and throwing it around. All Mom and I could do was cling to each other and giggle nervously. All the two guys could do was stare. Dad then turned on his heel and stomped back up the hill and through the field and into our house. It was wonderful. Not only did I get my revenge on those men for making me feel horrible but I also didn’t care what they had said anymore. My Daddy loved me. Enough to fight.

Jul 05 2005

Apparently I am only 32% american. Here is what the test results said:

America: You don’t love it or want to leave it.
But you wouldn’t mind giving it an extreme make over.
On the 4th of July, you’ll fly a freak flag instead…
And give Uncle Sam a sucker punch!

I’d say that’s not far off. This country has major problems and sometimes makes me want to throw up my hands in disgust and leave, but for the most part I think it’s easier to change from the inside. I’m also not one of those who thinks that america is horrible and that third world countries have it right. Or native americans. America can’t be all bad. Yes, we have a crack-pot for a president and we are WAY too invested in our religious views, but at least we have pretty good freedoms, religious and other (though I still wouldn’t be able to successfully run for political office). Yes, homosexual couples can’t yet marry (unlike Spain- how weird is it that a catholic country has legalized it before us?!) but at least they aren’t killed for living the life they choose (usually). Yes, for some reason many people in this country protest stem cell research, but look at all the wonderful things we have done with GMOs like providing fortified rice to starving countries (who refused to use it because of idiot propaganda). Yes, we have tons of cars and use loads of gasoline, but we do have some of the best emissions standards in the world and we are passing legislation for alternative fuels (a little late but…). America is a mixed bag at best but I have been trying to find some of the positive things in the muck (and there is A LOT of muck), some things we can pin our hopes on. I expect to be disappointed often, but to stop looking and criticizing and to give up hope is to give up on a country that has a lot of promise. We could be a major world influence for positive change. There are good americans out there (and I don’t necessarily mean patriots) with good ideas. It’s a shame they’re all too smart to want to get into politics. I’m scared to raise my son as an american but can anybody tell me about a better or safer place? Truly? (And don’t say Canada unless you’ve lived there and you know first hand.)

And I hate fireworks.