Sep 30 2005

Just so freakin’ tired.

I’m sitting at work with absolutely nothing to do this afternoon. I still have an hour here! It’s really very irritating. Why do they keep me here on Friday afternoons? All I do is take up space.

I remember when I worked in the shoe store and times were slow. At least there I could try on shoes for fun or go into the stock room and lie on the floor with my eyes closed for a while. It was nice working in the McKinleyville store because I could jump next door and grab a coffee and cookie to pass the time. I guess I could walk down to the vending machines here, but I don’t really want anything from them and it’s just not the same.

I start to daydream. Right now my daydreams too often turn into arguments or interviews- totally annoying. I’ve been trying to daydream about Cole but it’s just too hard to imagine him yet, even with such a short time left. I start daydreaming about family and my real home but that’s frustrating because I end up missing them so much. I think about trips I might take but I have no money and will shortly have a newborn and so really, what’s the point?

These dead friday afternoons put me in a funk.

It almost makes me wish labor would start just to have something to do.

How about this: Guesses.

Give me your guesses about when Cole will make his entrance, how big he will be, whether I’ll make it through labor without drugs, anything.

*His due date is October 24th. It has never changed. Every time they check his development they say that that date looks good.

*I kind of want to go late. If stubborn mind power has any control over babies and when they come out, he will not be here until after Oct. 27th. I can be a stubborn bitch.

*I’m afraid of needles. No- really afraid. Especially the ones designed to go into my spine.

*He’s big. 7lbs, 6oz as of last Tuesday. Does that mean he could come early? I dunno.

*I have been having “practice” contractions daily. Not too bad yet.

*He hasn’t quite “dropped” but he has definitely been riding lower in the last couple days. When he moves his head I feel like I have to poo even though I don’t. Too much information? Well, you already read it.

*John and I were both over 8 lbs and 20 inches at birth. I am now 5’10″ and John is about 6’1″.

*I’m eating lots of apples and craving a parmesan chicken sandwich with marinara sauce. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t know. Maybe nothing or maybe it’s the key to all the answers…

Go crazy. If more than one person votes I might actually come up with a prize. You won’t have much competition as only about, oh, 5 people read this. (By the way, thanks guys!) Wow. I’m so goddamn popular I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Sep 29 2005

Banned Books Week! WooHoo!! This is a week of celebration I can get behind. I don’t understand banning books. Are parents so lazy that they actually have to BAN books to try to get their kids to not read them? (Not that it works anyway! The “taboo” is always MUCh more fun!) Why don’t they just pay attention to what their kids are reading and control it in the home instead of trying to force it on others? Why ban them at all? Are they really THAT BAD?! Some of my favorite books are on this list! Can’t kids be trusted to decide for themselves? Oh wait… no, we wouldn’t want to be raising critical thinkers or anything.

Inspired by my darling husband, Johnny Logic, here are the books I have read from the American Library Association’s top 100 most frequently challenged books:

1 Scary Stories (Series) by Alvin Schwartz
3 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
5 The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
6 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
7 Harry Potter (Series) by J.K. Rowling
8 Forever by Judy Blume
9 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
13 The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
14 The Giver by Lois Lowry
16 Goosebumps (Series) by R.L. Stine
18 The Color Purple by Alice Walker
22 A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
27 The Witches by Roald Dahl
29 Anastasia Krupnik (Series) by Lois Lowry
32 Blubber by Judy Blume
37 The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
39 The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
41 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
42 Beloved by Toni Morrison
45 Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
46 Deenie by Judy Blume
47 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
50 Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
51 A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
52 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
55 Cujo by Stephen King
56 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
62 Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
67 The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
69 Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
70 Lord of the Flies by William Golding
71 Native Son by Richard Wright
77 Carrie by Stephen King
78 Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
83 The Dead Zone by Stephen King
84 The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
85 Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
88 Where’s Waldo? by Martin Hanford
98 The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder

39 of ‘em – not too shabby. I may have read some of the others but, due to the fact that I read CONSTANTLY as a kid (and now!), I may not remember. My memory is particularly shoddy lately.

Happy Thursday. I’m really glad this week is almost over. Starting Monday I am considered “full term” and will be allowed to go into labor at any time and can go to the Birth Center, not the smelly hospital. This kid could be as little as 3 days away from arriving (but I’m not counting on it- just tripping out about it!).

Have a good one. Read banned books.

Sep 27 2005

A haiku is 5,7,5 right?

26 days left.
It could happen any time.
Damn. I’m so nervous.

Yeah it’s not good. Bite me.

I went to the midwife this morning. Everything looks good. She seems to think that Cole is now about 7 lbs, 6 oz!!!! How big is this little booger going to get?! John and I were both 8 lbs somethin’ and over 20 inches long. She could be wrong, but I don’t think she’s too far off. She’s a VERY experienced midwife. Good news though: I tested negative for Group B Strep. That means that I don’t have to get antibiotics during labor which means no IVs or intramuscular butt shots. YIPPEEE!! I was really stressed about needing to have one of those.

She seems to think that I should try to go early. I wouldn’t mind if it weren’t for the hassle that would create here at work. It would mean taking more than my allotted 6 weeks off so that we wouldn’t have to put Cole into daycare for a while longer (something I’m totally DREADING doing in the first place). I’m going to have to try to hang in there for as long as possible. I think I’m one of the only women ever who has wanted to go late!

I was really bad and had a packet of peanut m&ms; this afternoon. I figured that, since I hadn’t gained any weight ths last week, I could sort of justify it. Plus, I was working on something annoying and getting really cranky. I needed a sugar and protein boost. Of course, I’ll go home and want to eat the rest of my ice cream too. And then nachos. And maybe a cheez-it chaser.

The people here at work are thinking of starting a Weight Watchers group. Maybe I should think about joining after Cole is born… In roughly 26 days I won’t be able to blame this butt on the baby anymore.

Sep 21 2005

John and I went with some friends to a Renaissance festival this past weekend. What a ripoff. The basic scheme is this: you pay money to get inside to pay more money. I wish I were on the other end of that kind of deal! The stuff for sale inside wasn’t all that remarkable, either. I found myself wandering around thinking “I can make that. I could make that I bet. I could have my mom make that. Who the hell would want that? That would be SO easy” and the like over and over again. I couldn’t believe the prices that people were paying for some of the crap! It made me think that I should go into business for myself, but then I remembered that I’d been down that road before… We had a pleasant enough time with the friends anyway. They are getting married in two weeks and their wedding has a renaissance theme so they were looking at everything. I’m glad someone enjoyed it. Me? I’m done with these “festivals”. It’s a bunch of white nerds trying to find a reason to feel better about their white heritage running around in costumes and speaking in fake accents and buying overpriced goods because they think it’ll make them seem more “authentic”. I’m a white nerd and I love costumes but I don’t need to feel special about it. And I’m CERTAINLY not going to spend $50 on a kilt in my clan’s tartan for my INFANT son. But maybe that’s just me.

I guess that’s it. Boring, I know, but I’ve got nuthin’ else. If anyone wants to give me ideas/questions to write about I’d welcome any and all suggestions. Ask me anything! I’ll answer truthfully to the best of my ability.

Belly button: flat
Still haven’t peed myself.

Please let lunchtime come soon.

Sep 20 2005

I just generally feel like crap. Everything was going so well with this pregnancy and then it just started to sliiiide downhill. Nothing is really WRONG exactly, it just feels like nothing is quite right, either. I feel like I’m coming down with a nasty cold everyday that never gets QUITE bad enough to prompt me to ask to go home. It’s not a nice feeling and I would like for it to stop. Now.

But, to count the good things:
~ I’m 35 weeks along and can still shave my legs by myself!
~ I can also still put on my own underwear. I did have some trouble with socks the other day, but I managed.
~ My back is still (barely) holding in there. Heating pad=new best friend.
~ My doula, Elizabeth, is awesome!
~ I’m still sleeping pretty well, despite an average of 3 pee breaks each night.
~ All we really need in order to be ready is wipes. We totally forgot the wipes!
~ I can now fairly acurately say that I have a month left. That feels better than you can imagine…
~ I’m not totally blowing it at work.
~ I have mostly avoided the pregnant “waddle”.
~ I have not peed myself.
~ (I’m going to jinx myself by writing this) No stretch marks.
~ I weigh more than John, but I still don’t weigh as much as I did at my heaviest a couple years ago.
~ I still haven’t peed myself.

I guess it could be worse.

Sep 20 2005

I remember during one of our childbearing classes I asked if perineal massage could be started earlier than 34 weeks. The instructor gave me a funny look and said “Ummm… it’s not…fun.” Boy was she wrong. “Not Fun” is the fucking understatement of the year! John and I made an attempt the other night. I’m now thinking I might rather tear…

Sep 13 2005

Oh my goodness- how bad have I been about posting? I have just actually been busy at work and tired at home (not that John even lets me near the computer at home for more than 5 minutes at a time). I should really be writing thank you notes right now, but I wrote a bunch on Sunday and I’m still burnt out.

I had a good midwife appointment last week. I had gained one more pound than I technically should have, but then saw the midwife and found out that Cole had made my uterus grow two centimeters more than he should have, so it’s all the kid’s fault! He went through a nice little growth spurt. At least, I hope it was a growth spurt and not that he is getting to be abnormally large. He needs to come out before he’s allowed to do that. I do think he’s really long, though, but I’ve said that before. All of my other stats were totally normal except that my blood pressure hasn’t gone up at all the whole time I’ve been pregnant. Usually a woman’s BP goes up, at least a little bit, as her blood volume goes up. Mine? Nope! But it’s a good thing.

I went to physical therapy last night for my back pain, but I only felt worse when I left the office. They want me to come back on Thursday, but I think not. If I had gotten an all over back massage I might think about it, but he just rubbed one muscle in one place over and over which drives my sensitive skin and the OCD freak in me insane. At least my insurance convered it 100%- no deductible or anything.

John got a book called “Freakonomics” from Costco this past weekend. It’s really interesting. I read the chapter on baby names first. It discusses whether what you name your child is an indicator of their future success. Turns out not really. The thing that I found most interesting was that Cole’s name was in the list of the 20 whitest baby boy names in the US. It was number 11. It means that pretty much only white baby boys are ever named Cole. I knew I was white but… damn. Oh well, I suppose it could be worse. At least we didn’t name him Shithead or OrangeJello (check out the book!).

In other book news, I am currently reading “Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell” by Suzanna Clarke. It is about (fictional) English magicians in the 19th century and is sort of in the style of Jane Austin. I’m really enjoying it. It is actually making me READ! I am usually such a speed- reading scanner when it comes to fiction and, unfortunately, even though I don’t read most of the words in most books, I don’t usually miss a whole lot. With this book, I would miss everything if I read as I normally do. It is such a refreshing change! It is taking a lot longer to read though.

I thought there was more but either I can’t think of it and will have to post again later or I’m going crazy, which is exceedingly possible.

Only 5 mondays left until my due date!!

Sep 02 2005

Cole’s hiccups have slowed down, but his new favorite activity is kicking the shit out of my right hip. It hurts people! And I know the worst is still to come as he gets even bigger. What am I going to do?

I had the first dream where I got to see him last night. So far my dreams have been all about being pregnant, so this was very new. In my dream, I was holding him and doing all of the normal baby stuff like changing his diapers. I felt strange, though, because I couldn’t stop thinking “Why do I not think this baby is cute? Why am I having such trouble feeling any affection for him?” Then I realized that it was because he had the body of a shaved dog and the head of a baby, only slightly deformed. I remember vividly that his belly had nipples on it like a dog. In my dream it somehow made everything better to realize this. I woke up right after that and couldn’t help laughing out loud. I wanted to wake John up and tell him about it, but I restrained myself.

We found out yesterday that one of John’s co-Grad students and her husband are going to have a baby. She’s 2 months pregnant now. John is feeling oddly ecstatic about it. I think it’s partially because now he doesn’t feel like the only idiot for trying to have a family and get an advanced degree at the same time. Yea! We have company in the idiot pool! I think it’s also because he’s a daddy (more or less) now and, therefore, gets more excited about baby news. In any case, we are so excited for them and looking forward to being able to send along hand me downs. Good thing most of the stuff we have is pretty gender neutral. It’s funny, now the only two married grad students in John’s department will also both have new babies.

I’m going to physical therapy monday after next because of the lower back pain due to all of the weight in my belly. My midwife told me to go a while ago, but I avoided it until I found out that my insurance will cover everything (SWEET). I’m hoping that the treatment involves lots of massages and very little exercise. That’s the kind of therapy for me.

I’m hoping to get to the store tonight and pick up the crib mattress. I did some extra research on it yesterday and I’m convinced that the Baby Sealy Posturpedic, though spendy, is the way to go since he will be using it for quite a few years.

Belly button update: Flat. Will this thing ever actually pop out? Josh is convinced that it will , but only to function as a “turkey timer” to let me know that Cole’s done cooking and will be coming out shortly.

Sep 01 2005

Oh my god, the hiccups.
Yesterday the hiccups coming from Cole were cute.
That was yesterday.
Today I wish there was some way to make him hold his breath or to shove peanut butter down his throat.
They are strong and they will not stop.
Poor baby, I don’t think he likes them any more than I do. He keeps squirming whenever they’ve gone on for a while.

But at least we still have our house and our lives and no family that we know of was physically harmed by the hurricane. My poor Aunt has a house on the gulf and she has no idea what has happened to it. The storm hit shore directly on her town. Luckily, she and my Uncle were at their other house in upstate New York when it happened. I’m very thankful that they’re safe and have a place to go. If only everyone could be so lucky.

I read a few reports online today and heard some of the terrifying headlines from NPR. I find myself itching to find a way to directly help in a way that doesn’t involve sending money (that I don’t really have) that may or may not get to those who need it most. I want to drive down a bus full of bottled water and then take people to Houston… or something like that. Unfortunately, going down there would not be a safe thing for me to do right now. The situation sounds so hazardous- lack of water and food; diseases in the standing water, from mosquitos and from people smushed up all together; looters with guns; alligators and poisonous water snakes… I can’t help but think of all the pregnant women and tiny babies that are down there already. If I had my own office I would close my door and cry. Does anybody know of a GOOD way to help?

I’m going to be very happy to be in my dry, safe home tonight with my husband and my dog and plenty of water and food. There are certain situations that make you look at your life and say “what the hell do I have to complain about, really?” and this is one of those for me.

But if Cole’s hiccups would stop, I would be even happier.