Oct 17 2005

I really don’t have much to update about. I’m still here. I’m still pregnant. Tonight is the full moon so maybe I’ll go dance out under it and put that theory to the test. Or something.

Last night was a hard one. I had two hours of really icky contractions and then they just stopped. My uterus: the tease.

I do have to give a great big, ginormous thank you to the beautiful Powell family, who treated me with a second package this weekend. I’m giving the thank you here just in case I don’t manage to get a letter in the mail as I’d like. The package included some wonderful pre-loved goodies as well as a hat that matches his “piggie” outfit (which I LOVE), a shirt of Naomi’s design that reads “je ne parle pas anglais” (which I think is just brilliant and she ought to start marketing) and a beautiful, plaid, organic cotton, long-sleeved shirt with turtle buttons that is in gorgeous fall colors. Oh, and the piece de resistance? A picture from Hannah to my little piglet, Cole. It’s fantastic, Hannah- Thank you. I just have to ask, where is a picture from Jonah? That would have really rounded the whole package out. But anyway, Thank you, dearest Powell family. You’ve been a great source of support and I’m in your debt. If we ever live near enough again there’ll be babysitting all around.

Just in case this whole “full moon” thing works, I’m going to go take a little nap now. Wish me luck.

(Don’t forget to get in your guesses about his due date! It’s not too late until it is…HA! Funny sentence…)

Oct 15 2005

Are you folks keeping track of the ticker at the bottom? Seriously- did you notice that the days left are now in the single digits?! Most likely, in the next 9 days I will be having a baby. It is for sure within the next 3 weeks. It could happen today. I’m so ready.

I thought it was going to happen yesterday. The contractions were stronger, I was feeling a bit ill all day and he kept wiggling his head way down in my pelvis as if he was trying to scootch out. Obviously, it didn’t really amount to anything much. I guess he’s decided to give me enough time to make it to the grocery store at least once more. I mean, we really need ice cream. (By the way, the new Breyers double churned Butter Pecan? Delicious…)

I’m now packed for the center. I have my changes of clothes, John’s changes, massage oils, lollipops, ginger chews, big pillows, my birthing books, a watch, my favorite rocks, toiletries and, best of all, clothes for my new little man. It was hard to know what to pack for him. I don’t know if it’ll be cold or how big he’ll be. Just in case, I packed layers. These clothes have been washed and set aside for weeks. I’ve taken them out and stared at their preciousness several times a week since I’ve had them. Now that they’re packed, the next time they come out will be when I put them on our son for the first time. That makes me so scared and so happy all at once.

I’ve really been wishing lately, and I think John has too, that we had our friends closer to us to be sharing this time. Most of you will never get to see me pregnant except in pictures. Some of you may not get to meet Cole for a long time. Though nothing quite compares to having our friends physically here, I’ve really appreciated all of the nice comments and messages we’ve been getting. I guess it’s the next best thing.

If you’d like to be on a list to be contacted soon after Cole arrives, please drop me a note with the best way to get ahold of you. Either leave a comment or send me an email. ***heels9leavethisout@hotmaildotcom*** Remember, it could happen soon so get your requests in asap!!

Quick updates:
Shingles- almost gone!!!!! I love medicine that works!!!!!!
Belly button- drumroll please… OUTIE!
Stretchmarks- 2 (shit.)
Peeing myself- negative

Oct 11 2005

Things are SO much better today.

Yes, I still have shingles, but I have been in contact with my midwives a few times since the weekend and have had good news. First, I started on the anti-virals and they really seem to be doing their tricky, wonderful stuff. I just can’t say enough about some parts of modern medicine. Second, I had some horrible concerns about not being able to give birth at the midwife center and not being able to breastfeed. Turns out that, though my concerns were quite valid, I don’t need to worry any longer. The midwife center will not turn me away at the door like a leper and I will not kill or hurt my son by breastfeeding him. Heartbreak avoided.

It was a really hard couple of days before I could get all the information. There were many, many tears. Now I can move on to labor with the confidence that I’ve done everything I can and that, most likely, everything will be okay.

I just can’t wait to meet my son.

Oct 09 2005

Y’know how everything was going really well? No complications or anything big throughout the pregnancy? Yeah. That’s changed.

Before anybody worries- Cole is fine and I will not die (at least, not from this).

Yes, it is the return of the shingles.

I got shingles last year when we moved here from California. The stress of the move and our precarious, no-job-having position here left me weakened enough that the virus just took over. It was the most excruciatingly painful month of my life.

This time, unlike last, I have insurance and I was able to call my midwife at the first signs. She phoned in a prescription for me after I noticed the little bumps yesterday morning. I started on the supressive drugs right away. Last time I didn’t have ANY drugs- no pain killers or anything. I’m hoping that the drugs will help to make this outbreak less severe and the duration shorter. Sometimes, though, the drugs don’t really do anything at all. It’s a virus, after all, and tricky to control.

I don’t yet know what this means for my ability to give birth in the center like I’ve wanted all along. I may be excluded because of my contagious-ness. Unlike chicken pox, shingles can’t be spread to others by coughing or anything. However, contact with the effected area of skin can give someone chicken pox if they’ve never had it before, and pregnant women and chicken pox do not mix. I don’t know if they can take the chance of it remaining on the birthing bed or in the tub. I just don’t know how contagious it can be.

I also don’t know if I can go through labor dealing with the pain of the shingles and the pain of childbirth at the same time. One or the other I think I could manage, but both on top of each other I think might literally make me insane. I felt close to insanity the last time I had this and I was otherwise healthy at the time. I have never been in more pain than when I had shingles. It is non-stop. I may have to resort to drugs now because of it, which is terrifically disappointing. It’s almost like my choice is being taken away from me.

Continuing with this trend of not knowing, I’m not sure if I will be able to breastfeed Cole. I can’t have him come into contact with that part of my skin and it happens to my on my left side right under my breast. I don’t know what kind of precautions I’ll have to take with him. I do know that it’s really less than desirable to have a newborn contract chicken pox. We may be forced into bottlefeeding, which is even more heartwrenching than the idea of a non-natural birth.

Additionally, I don’t know what this means for work. I was in so much pain last time that I couldn’t even pay attention to a movie, let alone get dressed and be in the normal world. It may mean that I have to quit work early and I don’t know if they would give me my job back. I need my job back- it’s the only way that this family stays afloat financially.

So, I have a lot of unknowns and a lot of questions. I’ll be seeing a midwife on Thursday and might get some answers then. Right now, that feels like a very long wait. I’m having a hard time coping with everything. Unfortunately, the more stressed I am, the worse the shingles can get. I don’t know how to not be stressed right now. Every time I think about all of this I break down in tears, like right now, for instance.

Plus, I got a stretchmark. I knew I was jinxing myself by bragging before.

But I still haven’t peed myself. Gotta look on the bright side, right?

Oct 06 2005

No takers, huh? I’m feeling very sorry for myself right about now. I think I’ll just wallow in it for a while , if it’s all the same to everybody. Oh wait, that’s right- there isn’t anybody.

John and I are both taking the day off tomorrow for Kerrie and Dave’s wedding. I love weddings and I’m excited to be going. I’m going to be doing her makeup too, something I also love. She came over last night and we did a trial run to make sure that the colors were going to come out right and that she didn’t hate what I had in mind. I had some concerns about what she would actually like, but it turned out that we both had about the same idea. She said she was really happy when she left. I hope it was true.

It’s funny that I never wear makeup but I love putting it on other people. There’s something so satisfying about having a vision of a makeup design, seeing it come together in real life on someone’s face and having them be happy about it. It’s amazing the kind of confidence it can give people. It’s like non-surgical facial reconstruction. If I thought I was good enough to do it and make a living, I would. That would be the most stress free job ever for me. Unfortunately, I don’t have the confidence and no amount of makeup will help me.

But the wedding should be fun. I hope. My dress is okay, for a maternity thing, but I don’t have shoes or jewelry to go with it. The no shoes part bothers me most, but I just couldn’t justify $40 on shoes I would probably only wear once. I did get maternity panty hose. They are horrible! I hate panty hose to begin with, and these are worse than most. They are thick, hot and UGLY, though not as ugly as my legs are right now which is why I will wear them anyway. They are also nearly impossible to get on by myself. I tried them on last night to make sure they would work and I got stuck. I had to call John in to pull the left side up my leg. I am so SEX-AYY right now. This is the second time in recent weeks I have had to call on him to help me because I’ve been stuck. A little while ago I decided to take a bath. It was the first bath I had taken since I’ve been pregnant (no, not the first time I’d bathed- I manage to do that every day somehow). I was doing great- so relaxed and virtually pain free for once- until I tried to get out. I realized that the bubbles (what’s a bath without bubbles?) had made the bottom slippery (it could have had to do with the MASSIVE amount of bubble stuff I put in) and I was not strong/coordinated/brave enough to attempt to lunge to my feet alone. I made it onto my hands and knees, but then I had to yell for John. Now, I know my husband loves me and that he understands that I am not at my sexiest while 9 months pregnant, but I really could have done without him having such definitive proof. Like I said: I’m SEX-AYY! The panty hose prove it.

Of course, If my dream last night is correct, I won’t even make it to the wedding. My dream self is convinced that I will go into labor at some point today or early tomorrow. Damn, would Kerrie be pissed.

So why do I keep writing if no one is reading? I guess I’m just a masochist. Of course, you’re all sadists for not commenting. I guess we’re all just pervs of some sort. Don’t try to defend yourselves- you know it’s true.