Jan 30 2006

Not much time left now…

Here I am, in the last week here at my job, with nothing to do. It’s funny, I still have these feelings of wanting to do my job really well and show up on time and not leave early and such even though what’s the worst they could do if I fucked up? Fire me?!

Today is not the best. We have so much to do and, though we did get a lot done over the weekend, catching up on sleep did not get checked off the list. I think extreme fatigue is on the schedule for every day for the rest of my life which means that I will continue to abuse caffeine.

Decisions were made yesterday about how we will actually move. We were going to rent a trailer but my Father and Aunt both say that a trailer would blow up my engine and I like my little car, so that plan is trash-canned. Instead, my parents are sacrificing their own personal time and flying out here to drive a rented truck back for us so that John, Cole, Yokie and I can all ride together in our car. My parents were great before, but it’s amazing how giving them a grandson has really increased their willingness to help us out.

Except now? They want to try to do the trip in three days. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to California in THREE DAYS. With a BABY.

Someone needs to be checked into the loony bin- either them for thinking it can be done or me for going along with it.

I don’t even know if it’s possible to do it in three days. Especially because of the following: I was talking to Mom and said that I could be awake from 6:30 to about 10:00 and be clear enough to drive. She said “oh, I don’t think we should go that late”. Uh, Mom? I love ya, but how else do you think we can do a, roughly, 40 hour drive in three days? We need to be DRIVING for at least 13 hours a day! Are we never allowed to stop? ‘Cause, if so, you need to find super-mega-plus diapers for all of us. And I think we’ll end up with some nasty cases of diaper rash.

But it’s amazing to have their support. Cole is a very lucky little guy to have grandparents like them. Even if they are nutters.

Jan 25 2006

Maybe if I laugh about it I won’t cry about it.

Jan 24 2006

We really are insane.

We have big news! Drumroll, please…. We’re moving back to California!

In fact, we’re moving back to our home town. I have a job as a Technical Editor waiting for me and there’s a good chance that John has a job in IT. We are very excited. The chance to be back in California where my son can grow up knowing his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins was too much to pass up. Plus, many of our good friends are still back there and we look forward to being able to see them more often.

What it boils down to is that life is too short to spend it in a place that you hate or doing something that you hate.

We always feel so much happier and healthier in California. We go outside more often- hiking, gardening, swimming, farmer’s market- things that are good for us and we don’t really do here. We eat better. We lost so much weight the last time we lived in Sonora that we nearly looked like different people. I could use all the help I can get right now with this damn baby weight.

There are some things we’re not looking forward to and some things we’ll miss. Sonora is pretty conservative and there are a lot of old people, not as many cool young families. There is ONE sushi restaurant, but I don’t think you’ll catch me going there. Some of our favorite restaurants have closed or changed ownership, and there weren’t many good ones to begin with. There are no museums within miles worth going to. There is very limited shopping and no cute kid’s clothing stores. There are NO GOOD SHOE STORES (Waaahhhh!).

But the good outweighs the bad. And, anyway, San Francisco is not that far away and we have a reason to visit with my sister being there. And we have reasons to visit Sacramento and there must be something there (right?).

The thing I’m looking forward to the least is the drive back- a week in the car with one man who won’t drive, one 3 month old baby and one nutty dog. Sounds like the makings of a bad movie. Or lots of posts.

Oh, and we only have 19 more days to get rid of all of our furniture and pack.

Sanity is overrated anyway.

Jan 23 2006

Weekend Update

Sorry for the whole not posting thing. Things are going a little crazy here and it was just kinda low on my list of priorities. I also haven’t been getting a whole lot of sleep- it doesn’t help my attempts to be clever.

Speaking of no sleep, I was trying to catch up a bit on Sunday morning (John got Saturday) so I asked John to take Cole. I was just getting back to sleep about 15 minutes later when I heard John start down the stairs followed by a loud crashing/thumping noise and Cole screaming. I leapt out of bed like it was on fire yelling “What happened?! What Happened?!”. I saw John and Cole on the stairs, John on his ass. I don’t think I touched a single stair on my flight down. Naked, might I add.

John said that he had been going down the stairs when he slipped on part of the carpet that is coming up (was never tacked down properly) and started to fall forward. Seeing that Cole was going to fall out of his arms, he grabbed him and squeezed him close and leaned back, ending up sliding down instead. Cole never fell, never touched the ground.

I grabbed Cole from him and sat on the steps crying and shaking as if it had happened to me. When I felt safe to walk again, I took him upstairs and undressed him to check on everything.

Everybody is JUST FINE. No lasting harm done, except to my heart. I don’t think Cole will even have the tiniest of bruises anywhere. John hurt his arm a little, but he’s really fine too.

But what a way to start the morning!

If I had had any question about how much I love my son, I no longer would. I was willing to give my life for his if he was even hurt. He is more precious to me than anything. Like I have heard other people say, he really is my heart living outside my body.

And I’ve only known him 3 months.

Jan 13 2006

More Help Requested

I’ve decided to keep a journal/notebook about Cole- the making of, birth, development, etc.- for him to have when he’s much older. I have a lot so far, but I want to give him as complete a picure as possible.

What would you all love to be able to know about your childhood?

Jan 13 2006

I’m a bad, bad friend.

A dear friend gave me an Amazon gift certificate for christmas. I got him…nothing. I haven’t even written a card of thanks. Or an email. Or called. He had to call and ask if I’d gotten it. Omigawd, do I suck.

And it’s a nice gift. For normal people it would be a perfect gift- Amazon has just about everything. For me? It’s overwhelming. I will admit it here first: I am internet-shopping challenged (in non-PC terms: major web ‘tard).

There are too many choices. Do I get a book? A DVD? Shoes? Camera? Okay, let’s narrow it down to the things he suggested: a book or a movie.

I never know what books to get. I have to wander in bookstores until I see a cover that appeals to me and then I take a chance. That’s why I like a good series- I don’t have to wonder what I should read next. I can’t buy books online because I wouldn’t even know where to start.

So, a DVD. When I’m not looking for movies, I can always think of ones I’d like to see. As soon as I start looking for one, either to buy or to rent, my mind goes completely blank. I mean total wipe out.

It’s a serious disability, I know. (Do you think it’s bad enough to get me a handicapped parking permit?)

So I’m utterly stuck. I don’t even want to look anymore because I’m too frustrated. I want to get something and tell him how much I’m enjoying it, but I honestly don’t know what to get. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but then his Amazon wish list is, like, a billion pages long.

What should I get? This is a problem right up there with solving world hunger and how to get out of Iraq, so please give it your serious consideration.

(And what should I get for him? I wanted to get something all along, but for me baby=no time for anything else.)

If only Amazon sold massages…

(And to the dear, gift-giving friend: Thanks, Darlin’. I don’t deserve it.)

Jan 12 2006

Like I said earlier…

We just got a new sign here at work- you know, the kind that is a black background with red lights spelling stuff out. I’ve sorta been put in charge of inputting the messages.

I was just in back figuring out how to add an american flag animation when a co-worker came up and suggested I add “pray for our troops” to it. I said that we might want to get permission from the president of our company to use a religious reference and that perhaps we could safely say “support our troops”. She said “yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean, we don’t want to insult all of those people who are going to die horribly and go to hell. Hahahahahaha”.

I was so close to saying “oh, you mean like me?”. That woulda shut her up. But then it probably would have gotten even more uncomfortable around here. There was already that moment of silence when I was asked when I was going to baptize my son…

Jan 12 2006

Now it’s even easier to hold onto your pork; or Eggs and Green Ham

Taiwan breeds fluorescent green pig

Jan 12 2006

Am I a Terrible Person?

As I was driving home for lunch, I looked over at the car next to me and saw an old woman in the driver’s seat who was bobbing her head with some sort of palsy. Instead of thinking “oh, poor dear” I thought “Oh look- she’s her own bobblehead doll.”

I’m going to my own special hell, aren’t I?

Jan 12 2006

Beware- Minor Epiphany Post

Frank admission time: Before, during and after my pregnancy I was very judgmental about women who gave birth any way but completely naturally. Yeah, I would say oh it’s no big deal that you had a c-section or an epidural, but inside I was saying “wimp!”. I was very smug and superior in my plans to give birth naturally, and being able to do so only strengthened my belief that women who didn’t were just lazy, scared, ignorant fools who gave away their power…or something like that.

What a bitch, right?

I don’t know where it came from- honestly! It was like I was born with those ideas already burned into my brain. I don’t remember learning those prejudices and I don’t know from whom I would have learned them.

But since having all of this trouble with breastfeeding, I’ve found myself really softening. It’s like having to feed Cole formula has forced me to learn that there is no one Right Way to do this whole parenting thing, or this whole Life thing in general. Formula is not at ALL the way I wanted to go for him, but it’s what we have to do. I don’t get a choice this time if I want my son to be healthy.

The thing is, it so doesn’t matter that he’s on formula. We still love him and cuddle him and nurture him the same as if he were solely breastfed. And he’ll still be perfectly healthy as he gets older. I mean, my father had to have whole cow’s milk when my grandmother had low supply because formula hadn’t been invented yet and he’s one of the greatest men I know.

Giving birth naturally was what I wanted and it worked for me, but the most important thing is that Cole is here. It doesn’t matter how babies arrive as long as they are loved and cared for when they get here. I wouldn’t change a thing about what I did, but it’s not for everyone. We all have to make our own way and do what works best for us.

If such a thing is possible, I apologize for my judgmental thoughts and my scorn.

This is the kind of experience that turns women into middle-aged hippies, isn’t it? Shit.