Nov 07 2006


Just effing do it already.

I am an absentee voter. However, this year, after almost completely filling out my ballot, my dear husband “cleaned,” otherwise known as “moving my shit into places I would never look for it” which caused a nearly un-ending rant by me about how he was opressing me and denying me my rights as an American citizen, yaddayaddayadda.

He, of course, claimed that he did no such thing and, when I assured him it was all his fault (like all other bad things in this world except AIDs, which I just don’t see how he could be responsible for, so I’ll give him the benefit of doubt) he said that he was sure it wasn’t and that I always blame him (of course- it’s always your fault!) and never apologize when it turns out I’m wrong (that’s because I never am).

If today had passed and I had been denied my right to vote, John would have had to think very carefully about whether he actually wanted to eat any food that I had prepared for him. I think his diet would have suddenly switched to Taco Bell and soup. (Because I would have poisoned him, not to put too fine a fucking point on it.) (Do you like how I mix my faux-swear words and actual ones? I can swear for real in the parenthesis because it’s just in my head.)

Lucky for John, I found my ballot this morning. On top of his bureau. With a joke book called “Science Made Easy.”

See- it’s all his fault. John? I’ll apologize when I’m actually wrong. Don’t expect to hear it any time soon.

‘Cause I’m perfect, of course. And you’re not.

**You all know that I don’t really blame my husband for everything and that I love him and am grateful that he cleans at all and that I actually wouldn’t poison him. Not for a mistake, at least. I also don’t believe that I am perfect in any way and I only hope to be as smart and funny as John when I get older, but it’s no fair because we’re the same age and he has such a tremendous head start on it.**