May 31 2007

Nightmares

I had a really awful dream last night, but it turns out that it’s lasting effect has been really comforting.

I dreamt that John died in a car crash. Suddenly I was all alone. I knew he was really dead, but I kept expecting him to show up, like my life was a soap opera or something. I wanted him to come back and tell me that someone else had been driving his car and that his body was mis-identified and that he would have been back sooner but he had amnesia and had only just recovered and immediately came to find me. But I also knew that wasn’t going to happen. That there was no way his body was mis-identified. That he was never, ever coming back.

In my dream, I kept trying to pull my life back together, but every time I tried to go out- to work, to the store, to see my family- I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying- wrenching sobs that felt like they would rip apart my body with grief. I would catch his scent in clothes that he wore, or see someone on the street who vaguely looked like him and lose it all over again. And I couldn’t be near Cole without squeezing him so hard that I would hurt him. Cole had to stay with my parents, which hurt almost as much as John being dead.

I can hardly write this without wanting to cry. My chest feels very tight and my eyes are a little swimmy. It felt so real.

But here’s the comforting part: There are times in a marriage when one partner may start to wonder a bit about whether the marriage is still a good match. Are they still together out of comfort and complacency? Or are they really still in love and just in a rough patch due to outside forces? It’s a hard question. And it’s a hard question to ask without one or both people getting hurt.

I don’t have to ask that question now. I know that, if I lost him, I would feel how I felt in that dream, only I think it would be orders of magnitude worse. And for a lifetime, not just a night. That one dream told me what I really needed to know- that John and I still are in love, nearly 11 years later, and that I don’t ever want to lose him.

It’s not that I didn’t know this before, either. It’s just that I hadn’t thought of it this way before. Now the bad patches seem so much less important. We can get through anything but death.

Our friends are getting married on our 6th wedding anniversary. I wish for them, as I wish for all of you, the same kind of love that John and I have had and will continue to have for each other. There are minutes and hours and days that are hard, but the years are good. And I think, from now on, they will only get better.

May 29 2007

Dollars vs Dignity

From Thursday night until Monday afternoon, Cole and I were at the Strawberry Music Festival. We had an awesome time, despite the following occurrences:

1) While Cole was in the midst of one of his worst hissy-fits ever, thrashing, screaming, and crying in my arms, a man came up really close to me and said “I saw you earlier and just wanted to come over and say ‘rraawr.’ You make me miss my kitty cat!” I gave him the look one would give a crazy, raving person and said “Greeaat…” Then he said “No, seriously. You look awesome.” Uh… thanks?

2) During an impromptu belly dance performance with two other women, two men came up and stuffed dollar bills in our belts. Perhaps you would say to that:”Yay! Money!”, but when the decision is $2 vs dignity, the money doesn’t really cut it. Add a zero or two and resist stuffing it in my clothes and we’ll talk. So- guy who tried to cop a feel by shoving dollars down my pants? Thanks for what I guess was a compliment, but no thanks. Also? You’re a cheap bastard.

3) Cole’s teeny, wittle, pweshus, baby hand got caught in the pop-up when we were folding it up and he is now sporting a nasty little bruise. My BAAAYYYBEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

So that was the kind of stinky stuff. The good stuff was that I got a lot of non-creepy compliments that really gave me a self-esteem turbo-boost. I also got to dance with two fantastic women and, hopefully, now have two new friends out of it. They live here in town, too! Cole got nice and filthy like a little kid should but avoided any trace of sunburn. Cole and I also went to a “Sing with me” workshop for infants and toddlers where we learned some new songs that he has been asking for over and over. If I can get him to perform them for the camera, I’ll post the video. ADORABLE.

The music was good, though I didn’t get to see as much of it as I would have liked. I did get to see most of Michael Franti with Spearhead which, though being very political reggae for the most part (which I don’t always like the best), was a lot of fun to dance to. I didn’t dare go up close because of the rabid fans who were practically throwing themselves at the stage, probably trying to lick Michael Franti. I get it- he’s hott, but I’ve never been a groupie like that.

Overall judgement: Good 4 day weekend!

How ’bout you?

May 24 2007

eep!

Am blogging slacker. Am also going on vacation. Back Tuesday. Have a great weekend!

(From I can has cheezburger? Dang, I love that site.)

May 21 2007

Photo Dump: Yosemite!

Last Sunday, John, Cole, and I went to Yosemite. We have a park pass, so we got in for “free.” It was one of the most perfect Yosemite days ever, and I have been to Yosemite A LOT. The weather couldn’t have been more beautiful, the Dogwood trees and wildflowers were in bloom, and the falls were magnificently full.

Here we have Half Dome (John, upon seeing Half Dome again, said “Hey- I was up there!”):

Apparently, given the wonky framing of the photo, I neglected to have my V-8 that day.

And here is Yosemite Falls. There was a good breeze that day, so the upper falls were really misting out to the left. Gorgeous.

Here is a closer view of the lower of the Yosemite Falls. I don’t know if you can see it, but there are people crawling over those boulders way up close to the falls. Idiots. It’s a wonder that more people don’t die in Yosemite every day. And here’s the only evidence that I was in the park all day. You can see the edge of my glasses and hat. Cole is quite happy riding in this pack. He loves it when I sing the Dora the Explorer Backpack song. I love that this backpack was free!

And here you can see a very small example of how insane the crowds can be. And all of these people drove their own cars into the park. It does a lot of damage to the park every year. They have talked for a long time of building parking lots outside the park and bussing people in. I think they should get on it already.

Here’s John and Cole in a little side flow of the (Merced?) river that flows through the park. (Damn it’s bad that I’m not sure of the name…) John was mildly upset that he had to wear this backpack until I told him that it could have been worse: it used to have a button on it that said “Thrift Store Junkie.”

Walkin’… yes indeed…

Here are the boys at Mirror Lake. It was slightly less than “mirror-y” that day, given the breeze. Some guy commented that it was a “gyp” and that he was disappointed after having walked all the way there. Perhaps he should have just purchased the postcard at the gift shop and gone home.

Here’s the river coming down from Mirror Lake.
We had a great day. We did somewhere around 6-7 miles (6 according to John, 7 according to my knees). For someone who started the day proclaiming “I am NOT going to hike 4.5 miles. I will NEVER make it!,” I feel pretty good about myself.

Cole thought throwing wood chips and sand were the best part of the day.
What a boy.

May 16 2007

Confession

I committed mass murder today at lunch. I left broken bodies all over the battlefield. I am hoping that none of my enemies survived, yet I believe that there may still be millions hidden away. A specialist will be joining me in my fight tomorrow. Together, we’ll kill them all.

Yup- ants. I hate those motherfuckers.

May 14 2007

Will it ever stop?

Here’s what I’m worrying about now:

Do you see the highlighting? Those are the teeth that Cole HAS. The upper #2 tooth? He has had for quite some time already. But its mate on the other side? WILL. NOT. COME. IN.

We can see it hovering up there. There’s a big lump under his gums just in that place. But the tooth just will not rear its pearly head.

What’s worrying me, besides the fact that its WAY late coming in, is that that’s the place where he hurt his mouth twice when he was just starting walking. He bashed his gums into the tile step at our old house on two different occasions, bleeding heavily each time (of course, any blood coming from my son seems like heavy bleeding to me).

So what if, on those two horrific occasions, he damaged his tooth while it was still developing and now it won’t come out? What if he has to get a bridge or something until his adult teeth come it? What if his adult tooth is permanently damaged, too?

I am going to call a local pediatric dentist that I’ve heard good things about tomorrow. I was going to call today, but their offices are closed, dammit. I’m thinking that maybe we just need to get an x-ray taken, or maybe she’ll give me the good smack that I need and send me away telling me that he’s just fine and I’m a mega worry-wart. That’s probably it, right? Please?

May 14 2007

Mother’s day: It’s like my half birthday!

On Sunday John and my dad made breakfast for me and my mom. Eggs benedict, asparagus, mimosas, and potatoes. It was really quite good, especially for guys who weren’t really sure about what they were doing. After that we went to the furniture store to help my parents choose their new couches for their living room and family room. I’m not sure that I was of much help, but it was fun sitting in every couch anyway. Then John, Cole, and I went home and danced for a while, watered our new plants in the garden, and watched some Muppet Show. It was a lovely, relaxed evening. And John cooked dinner!

The day before my mom and I decided to go shopping in a near-by, larger town. She bought me some new dishes for mother’s day. John gave me my mother’s day present that day instead of waiting, which was a pair of shoes of my choice (within a certain price range). He thought I might use it that day, but I’m going to hang onto it until I find the right thing.

So yes, I love Mother’s day. It’s actually almost better than my birthday. I don’t have strangers wishing me a happy birthday all day.

May 11 2007

Baby(ies?)

There are now a few bloggers who I started reading when I was pregnant, who were also pregnant at the same time, who are now starting to try for another baby. Suddenly, I also get asked all of the time by all kinds of people when I might try to have another. I guess that, for most people, when the first child gets close to 2 years old it’s a “normal” time to think about a second. It seems to be about the time that moms start forgetting the torture of pregnancy, childbirth, and early infancy.

Here’s my confession: though I am outwardly a staunchly single-child kind of person, there are many moments, and they are increasing in frequency, when I start trying to figure out how we could have another.

When I step back from it, I know that we can’t afford it, we don’t really have a good reason to have another (not that that ever makes a difference when it comes to children!), we’re already feeling overwhelmed and like we have no time in a day, and, again, we can’t afford it. Like, AT ALL.

I also know that I’m not ready for the breast-feeding disappointments, the sleepless nights, the spit-up, the worry about the child being healthy or normal… all of those pregnant/new parent things.

My life right now doesn’t need further complication. It’s balanced… enough.

I like being able to give Cole all of my time. I like him knowing that he is the most important person in my life, with competition only from his daddy.

But there’s this itch to have a tiny, wrinkly, little baby to snuggle with again. A baby who really needs me, not a big boy who can do so much for himself now. I ache for the tiny feet, the mewling cries, the rooting, the itty-bitty clothes. I miss the huge, taut belly and having my baby with me all of the time.

There are lots of things that are wonderful about being pregnant and having a newborn. I just really have to keep the bad stuff in mind to counter act all of it. The really bad stuff.

Can someone who I’m close to just get pregnant so I can snuffle on their baby as much as I want? That would really work better for my pocketbook right now.

May 10 2007

Where you are forced to see my fish-belly.

So that we’re all in on it, this is the photo that Ticknart is talking about. Taken by the lovely and talented Thalisha Kamice.

I actually think that my costume and belly look a lot better now, but this is all I have. Your life is complete now, isn’t it? Glad I could help.

May 08 2007

Comme si, comme ca.

There’s just nothing to write about it. I’m in a slump.

Actually, it might be a little different than that. Maybe it’s that I am in a very ambiguous job at the moment that could change at any time. In fact, I’m positive that it will change soon, and I’m not 100% confident that I will be able to handle it.

Plus, I can’t talk about it. It’s work related and I don’t talk about touchy work stuff here. It would be a mistake.

So I’m left with vapid, unimportant stuff that even I don’t care that much about.

Cole and I did have a really good weekend though. We went to the Karfluki Fest and I bellydanced in front of more people than I ever have. I really wasn’t nervous though. Maybe I should have been more nervous because I messed up. Hopefully the audience didn’t notice. I don’t have any photos of myself, but I do have a few of Cole and some other neat things we saw there. I won’t be able to post them today, but I’ll try to get to it tomorrow.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by the new responsibilities I have. I’m also feeling very stupid and out of my realm of knowledge.

I think that’s all I have today.