Jun 15 2007

Guilty

Tonight John and I will be leaving Cole with a babysitter for the first time. Well, technically it’s the second time, but it’s the first time that we won’t be across the street and able to check in whenever the paranoid mama light comes on. And that thing flashes like crazy whenever I’m away from him.

And yes, I realize that he has been in daycare for over a year now and that I leave him with someone for 9.5 hours every week day, but this just feels different. I’m not sure why exactly, but it does.

The girl who will be looking after him is the same one who watched him the last time. She is the daughter of another employee here and a very nice person. I feel very safe leaving Cole with her.

But I can’t seem to shake the mommy guilt. I feel awful that I will be leaving him for a night to merely go out to dinner and see Lavay Smith and the Red Hot Skillet Lickers. Is it really worth it? How can one measure the worthiness of the two options- staying at home with my beautiful baby boy or going out with my loving husband and two good friends?

I’m probably over-thinking this.

I mean, it will be the first time since Cole was born that John and I have gone anywhere together without him. That’s nearly 19 months without some quality mommy-and-daddy-out-of-the-house-with-friends time. Should I just mark this one in the “Doing our best to preserve Mommy’s sanity for as long as possible” column (we won’t discuss whether it’s already too late for that)?

Now I’ve begun to wonder whether I can really enjoy myself what with all the guilt. All I’ll be thinking about is how SURELY something is going wrong and my precious BAAYBEEE!!!!! is without his mama and hurting and needing me.

And then I’ll come home and find out that, not only did he have a fantastic time, but he’d really rather like to go and live with the babysitter, who is so obviously more fun than his tired, boring, old mom.

I’m not sure I really like either option, thank you very much.

I’m being paranoid, right? Right?

So, how do you feel about leaving your beautiful children? And side question: what does one wear to dinner and swing dancing?