Oct 02 2007

How to have my day in 27 steps.

  1. Start your day at 5 am needing to pee. BAD.
  2. Fall back to sleep for a very short time before being awoken by the stupid clock-radio. Nudge your husband to get up and take the first shower.
  3. Fall back to sleep for, like, a second before being awoken by your (almost) 2 year old, who has come to you bearing gifts of cups from the living room, leading you to the realization that “Oh crap. He was by himself in the living room and what the fuck else did he have time to get into and why didn’t I hear him get up?”
  4. Discover that you just don’t care that much. Have the highlight of your day in a cuddle with the 2 year old where he actually manages not to head-butt, punch, poke, or kick you for like 5 whole minutes. Bliss.
  5. Take a too-long shower. Come out not feeling relaxed but vaguely nauseous.
  6. Lukewarm coffee.
  7. Husband loses his shit over lost keys turning your “Gosh! I might be ON TIME this morning. How novel!” morning into “Yup. Late again.”
  8. Sit in ridiculous and hard to explain traffic.
  9. Almost get side-swiped by asshole driving on shoulder to get around stupid traffic.
  10. Get held up at daycare YET AGAIN, having to endure 15 minutes of hearing about other people’s kids and their poop. Nod, smile, and politely agree wherever possible. Throw in a laugh here and there for good measure.
  11. FINALLY get to work at 8:10. You were supposed to be there at 8.
  12. Realize that today is the admin staff meeting. You used to go to this meeting. You actually had FUN at this meeting. You were not invited to this meeting this time. Feel snubbed. Feel hurt. Feel abandoned. Feel stupid for feeling the above. Feel jealous for their camaraderie, which you no longer share.
  13. Decide to dwell a little on how people have been kind of sucky lately.
  14. Realize you should probably be doing the work they PAY you for.
  15. Realize that there’s not enough time in the week to do the work you have to.
  16. Say FUCK IT and write a whiny blog post.
  17. Mope.
  18. Overhear lunch being ordered for your husband and realize that that means you’ll be eating alone. He never actually tells you himself.
  19. Try scheduling lunch with a friend over MySpace, thereby ensuring that she won’t see the message in time to actually be able to have lunch with you.
  20. Go home for lunch. Alone. Moping kind of kills your appetite so you just eat an apple.
  21. Slave over a serger for the rest of lunch, because you KNOW how much you love having a sore neck and threads all over your pants when you go back to work in the afternoon. Idiot.
  22. Realize that you are hungrier than you knew. Contemplate the snack drawer.
  23. Feel fat for even thinking about it.
  24. Check MySpace. Find that friend DID want to have lunch with you, after all. Feel stupid for not USING YOUR GODDAMN PHONE ALREADY.
  25. Accomplish all of the above before 1:30. Wonder if “I’m an idiot and mopey and insane” is a good excuse for taking the rest of the day off.
  26. Figure they’d probably just fire you.
  27. Write about it instead.
Oct 02 2007

Sad.

I’m going through a very down, dark blue period. I’m feeling dumped by just about everybody, bad at my job, bad at being a parent, bad at being a person. Consequently, I’m binge-eating, thinking about drinking a lot (though not actually drinking a lot), sitting on my ass when I need to get things done, and comfort shopping (which we can’t afford and, of course, makes me feel worse). There has been a point in every day at which I am either on the verge of tears or outright crying. I’m a big, sloppy, hot mess of neuroses and doubts.

I don’t know why I go through this every once in a while. This time I can pinpoint the things that set it off but, when I think about it objectively, those things shouldn’t have affected me so greatly.

So much of it comes from my insecurity and over-sensitivity. I take things very personally, I know. But when two people you have considered friends seem to dump you at once, how can you not take that personally? Worse- I have NO IDEA what I might have done or said. It’s like suddenly they just got sick of me. Probably most of you are saying at this point “And why WOULDN’T they be sick of you, Whiny McGripey-Pants?”

There’s no real point to this, I guess, except to say: I’m Sad. I could do with some cheering.