Feb 04 2008

Open Letter to You. Because You Are Awesome.

(I couldn’t let that vile ranting stay on top. Not when there are so many beautiful people in the world!)

My darling friends:

We may not see each other often, hell- we may not know each other in real life at all! But your lives are so important to me. Thank you for sharing them. I DO actually care about what you had for lunch, and I DO care about the funny things your kids say and do. Quite honestly. I am voraciously greedy and voyeuristic about you because I find each and every one of you absolutely fascinating. I think we could all be best friends, if only given the chance. You are all much funnier than I am, too. I’m jealous, but I deal with it because we are friends and I wish the best for my friends.

If I am seemingly stand-offish in real life, it’s because I’m so painfully self-conscious. In my head, I am running up and giving you all big hugs and telling you how great you look today. Because you do- I’m not about to blow smoke up your asses. You are my friends, and my friends deserve the truth. You can’t help it that the truth is that you are always so devastatingly gorgeous to me. But I hold back from displaying it in person because I don’t want to embarrass you by being seen with me.

When you comment, it’s like the heavens have opened and sunlight is pouring into my heart. It’s glorious. And it’s not because I’m an attention whore (maybe just a tiny bit). Instead, I think “Look! My friends! Who I adore and care about every day! They are caring about ME today! It’s reciprocal!” Basically, when you comment I feel less like a stalker and more like a friend, which is all I want to be.

If you think even a word of this has been facetious, you are wrong. Nor is it a plea for more comments (though they are ALWAYS well appreciated, of course). No, I truly feel this way about each and every person I read every day. No matter how different we are, your life is special to me. I think you’re wonderful.

You should think you’re wonderful too. Go on- only the best for my friends!

Feb 04 2008

Open Letters. I’m Sure They’re Not For You. You Are Awesome.

Thanks, you wonderful, oversharing, generous people who decide that lunchtime in an echo-y cafe is the totally appropriate place to talk about your childhood ear-piercing debacle that ended with you at the bottom of a flight of stairs with blood all over your face and still no ear-piercings. That’s awesome. What a great story! Oh, hey! You see this that I’m trying to do over here? It’s called eating. It’s also called not gagging. It’s something that I enjoy doing. It’s also something that, oddly enough, is hindered by your discussion of bodily fluids being smeared all willy-nilly. So, please? Inside voice! Or just shut the hell up entirely- either works great for me.

I know its been snowing recently. It’s great, isn’t it? And, wow, maybe you’ve never seen snow before. I get it. And yeah- you do look SO DAMN COOL with a foot of snow on the top of your car. You must be some kind of bad-ass to have gotten out of that kind of snow. I’m creaming my panties, I’m so damn impressed. You certainly rock- it’s clear. However, when said snow slides off of the back of your car and crashes onto the road in front of MY car in a big, slippy-slidey, spin-outy kind of mess, I get a little… hmm… fucking perturbed. I realize that you view the snow as proof that you really NEED to be driving that big-ass SUV and that you really feel so awfully vindicated now (gosh-darn those liberal hippies and their griping, right?), but CLEAN THE FUCKING SNOW OFF OF YOUR FUCKING CAR BEFORE YOU DRIVE IT, YOU LAZY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. For all of us.