May 27 2008

Sorry.

Today just feels… difficult. It’s too much trouble; not worth the effort.

I’m feeling a loss where no loss exists, and so also feeling confused and stupid about what I’m feeling.

I’m rolling into one of my depressions. It’s not depression in a clinical sense. Rather, it feels like an actual depression, like a bowl-shaped dip. At the bottom it’s lonely and cold and sad, but it takes too much effort to roll back up the other side. I don’t have the momentum.

It’s at this point when I always feel like a friend could help me out, help me skirt the edge. Instead, not having friends like that, I feel even more alone and roll in even faster.

I started crying last night as I was putting Cole to bed. It was a stupid thing that set me off, and something that ordinarily would have made me laugh.

I haven’t cried today, but I have that feeling on my throat, and my eyes feel swollen as if I had been.

I have 5 hours of sick-time coming to me, but I feel like I need to reserve them for a real sick day. I have no vacation time. In fact, I have managed, somehow, to get negative vacation time. Not sure how that works…

I wish we got mental health time.

I’d probably leave, but I don’t know what to do with myself except go home and sleep, and that feels like a waste.