Aug 18 2008

VAGINA! VAGINA! VAGINA!

Based on the comments on my previous post about what I should tell Cole, I clearly need to grow the fuck up and gain a little maturity for my own self about genitalia. I assume most people know this about me, but I am terribly, horribly, completely-over-the-top self conscious. It’s BAD. Like, sometimes I can’t actually pay attention to conversations because I’m so concerned that I might smell or have something in my teeth. I do not normally enjoy myself around other people, mostly because I do not really enjoy myself.

So to have to talk to Cole about something about which I am embarrassed in a way that, hopefully, doesn’t convey to him just how mortifying it is? Is huge. Cole is unendingly observant, and fully willing to point out just how red my face is turning.

But I know it has to be addressed some time, and probably soon. With this pottying thing (which is going SO WELL! He even TOLD us that he needed to pee! HUGE STEPS, people!), the places where pee comes out are sort of in the spotlight. I also don’t particularly take huge measures to hide my naked self from him. Not that I run jiggling around the house all the time (the bouncing is kind of uncomfortable), but I like to be able to walk around in my own bedroom and bathroom freely, no matter the state of my attire (or lack thereof).

But it’s really this vagina thing that’s getting to me. Boobs didn’t phase me. We call them “babas,” because he asked about them so early that he couldn’t really say the word “breasts” (heck- he probably can’t quite say it now). But here’s the thing about boobs- everybody likes them. I mean, don’t you? You don’t exactly get the same kinds of jokes about boobs that you do about vaginas. In my life, apparently, I have taken those “jokes” to heart (not that they’ve even been made about me, but still…).

I also have my very own, special mixed feelings about my own vagina (fuck- I even have a hard time admitting that I have one, though I think you’ve all figured that out for yourselves by now). How weird is it that I have a problem teaching my son that word, but I have no problem admitting to near-strangers that Cole ripped the crap out of me coming out and that my stitches looked (or so the nurse said- I didn’t look) like a smiley face? Hi! I’m smiley-face crotch and I’m happy to see you!

I’ll give you a moment to stop gagging.

(And see- there I go again. Assuming that you’ll be disgusted because it involves a vagina.)

So here we go- Self? Dear Danielle? Darling 29 (on Wednesday!) year old woman? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF AND ACT YOUR AGE. Vaginas are not disgusting, yours included. It’s just a part of your body and will remain so no matter how much you try to disown it. EVERYONE already knows you have one! Most of them still are willing to talk to you! You talk to other women all of the time without giving ONE SINGLE THOUGHT to the state of their vaginas. They have a similar lack of concern about yours! So fucking get your head straight (possibly try to fish it out of your ass first) and teach your son what you know is right. It’s one little word. Don’t further the vagina disrespect.

And, in the future, realize that it shouldn’t take comments on your dumb blog for you to do what is right.

Aug 18 2008

Now I’m Hungry

Copy the following list. Bold those you’ve eaten and italicize those you never want to try.

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J; sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters (Blech)
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi (but I didn’t really like it much)
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects (A Ladybug or two)
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth $120 or more (I wish)
46. Fugu (not willing to risk my life for food)
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel (OH YUMMY!)
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut (But I didn’t especially like it. I’d be willing to try again)
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal (NEVER AGAIN)
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini (That’s the way to make it)
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips (I actually really like them. You just can’t expect them to be anything like chocolate)
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst (If it says “wurst,” the chances are that I won’t want to eat it)
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis (Does anyone ACTUALLY like this?)
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette (Intestine? NO.)
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe (Also not so much with the brain frying)
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare (I’ve had rabbit- is that what they mean? Rabbit is yummy)
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse (Probably- I was in France)
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor (I freaking HATE lobster. Barf)
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake (Rattle, in fact)

I was able to bold more than I anticipated. Now I really want some indian food. Or bagels. Or rabbit. Dang- I’m just really hungry.