Aug 21 2008

Today

Today is not good.

I’m sorry, but I have to write it or… I don’t know what.

I’ve had a headache for the past 2+ weeks, with no breaks except when I’m asleep.

Today I woke up badly. I was off. Not that I’m a morning person to begin with, but it was worse.

I went to the bathroom, only to discover that I’d gotten my period when I had woken up in the middle of the night to pee. I stared at it, unbelieving, for full minutes. Not only did I not want to see it, but it wasn’t even supposed to be here until Saturday. It caught me off guard.

Cole fought me about every little thing after John left for work. Let’s put a diaper on. NO! Time to get dressed. NO! Put on your shoes. NO! Wait… YES! (He does love those shoes.) Let’s go to the car. NO! You can’t take the lion flashlight into daycare. YES I CAN! You have to take off your Batman cape, too. NO! Please give me a hug. NO! Can I have a kiss? NO!

Endless.

I headed over to Quest to get my blood drawn for tests, which also meant that I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink yet. I sat in the unfriendly waiting room on the awful, stained chairs trying not to think about needles. When my turn came, the band on my arm really hurt, though the draw itself was quick and easy. For once.

I went to get coffee where the clerk was doing hard sales for domatcha to every. fucking. customer in line ahead of me. It took ten goddamn years for me to get to the counter. She was so fucking chipper that I was ready to punch her happy face in. But I was nice. I held it together.

I got to work to hear that my supervisor had been calling for me. That’s never good. Why he didn’t call my cell, I’ll never know. When I listened to his message, it was clearly an attempted guilt-trip, telling me that something I produced hadn’t met his expectations. I’ve since seen it, and I don’t know how I could have done better with what I was given.

I’ve been pestered today by the people I dislike the most here. One won’t fucking leave me alone. The other decided that he’d do his best to break down another of my coworkers- a guy who is the least deserving of that kind of treatment of almost anyone I know. And sure, it didn’t happen to me, but I got to hear every stupid word. That was fun.

I need a break. I feel like quitting, but I can’t. I can’t do that to my family. But I also feel like I’m headed toward a breakdown. I sit behind the closed door of my office and try to sob as soundlessly as possible. I feel broken. I feel strained. I feel weak. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel like I’m in mourning, but I don’t know what. I don’t know how far I flex. I don’t know my limits. I don’t know my breaking point.

I don’t know how I’d break; with a bang or a whimper?

I don’t know what to do next.

Please tell me what responsible people do next.