Sep 30 2008


I leave at 4 am tomorrow for a conference in San Diego. I will be without John and Cole until Saturday night. It makes me tired and sad to think of it. I will not likely have a computer and connection to be able to visit you all, so I’ll return on Monday. Have a great week.

Sep 30 2008

You’ll Be In My Heart. Always.

Cole has been utterly obsessed with the Disney movie Tarzan lately. He would watch it over and over all day if we let him (we, of course, do nothing of the sort). He walks like Tarzan, yodels like Tarzan, and now asks to listen to my heart like Tarzan does to his Gorilla mom. And it’s a cute movie, and could be SO much worse. I mean, at least he no longer asks to watch Freakazoid, which has been forbidden in my house until he’s much older.

But I hate it. I hate when he wants to watch it, and I frequently have to leave the room when it’s on. And it’s all because of one damn song.

For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can’t be broken
I will be here don’t you cry

And you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You’ll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You’ll be here in my heart

It gets me right from the start, and doesn’t let the heart-crushing stop until long after the actual song is over. I am VERY rarely ever affected by songs or movies, but this one gets me every freaking time. And I sob- OH, do I sob. Ugly, snotty, weeping, shaking sobs. Even thinking about it makes me choke up and my eyes start to tear. I don’t want to let this stupid song get to me so, but I am powerless.

I cry for the mothers I know who have lost a child. I cry for my mother, and how she must be feeling about me not being so happy with her right now. I cry for babies who have lost their mothers, and babies who have found new mothers*. And I cry for myself, because part of being a good mother, to me, is knowing when to step back, when to let go, when to not protect with everything I have, and that is so fucking hard and hurts so much EVERY DAY. Because if I thought I could, that it would make Cole’s life better, I would keep him with me and protect him in every way possible until I die.

But, of course, I can’t. And I won’t. Because Cole is not just my baby, he’s also his own person, and it is a wonderful thing, indeed.

*(That’s a happy thing, but I cry all the same)