Apr 27 2009

Aaand Back Down Again

I was starting to feel so good, so in-place, so content over the weekend. Then I had dinner last night with my father, during which my mother called (him, not me), and my peaceful mood was shaken. Then I came in to work this morning and it was shattered.

Part of why I am so freaked out about having only 12 weeks left until Roo’s birth is that it also means I have only 12 weeks left to figure out what I am going to do about my mother. My mother wants to “help out” after Roo is born, which is something she did for us after Cole was born. And, after Cole was born, she really was a big help. I’m not sure how I could have gotten through those weeks without her, really. John was still in grad school and I knew next to nobody else in the whole state, so I was kind of stranded. My mom helped me keep up the house, feed myself, go grocery shopping, and provided much needed adult conversation.

But this time, we have a much different relationship- one that has not gotten better with age. I am also in a very different situation, what with having other family (and friends that might as well be family) in town and John working about a minute away. I don’t feel stranded this time, and I don’t have worries about being able to take care of myself and Roo.

I have HUGE worries about having my mother in my home with just me and Roo for 9 hours a day, for who knows how many weeks. I am so worried about it that I have isolated it to that place of “Maybe if I ignore it long enough it will go away,” which is totally non-fuctional as well as being just plain NOT TRUE. It’s not going away. I have to deal with this, I just don’t know how.

And I can hear someone saying “Why don’t you just talk to your mother and tell her how you feel?” HAHAHAHAHAHA! No. Not that easy. My mother gets defensive and hurt over IMAGINARY SLIGHTS. Can you imagine what would happen over a REAL slight?! I could send her into a suicide spiral! YAY, ME! Responsible for my own mother’s death!

I am also imagining someone else saying “Well, your mother can’t be THAT bad. Just suck it up for a couple of weeks.” No. I don’t think I can. And yes, she really is that bad. She has already started giving me guilt trips about the work that she WILL be doing while helping me. It hasn’t even happened and ALREADY I SHOULD FEEL GUILT AND EXTREME GRATITUDE! I have suspicions that my mother is border-line bi-polar and getting worse as time goes on. I have trouble spending even 10 minutes with her without wanting to tear my own eyeballs out and stab my eardrums. I don’t want to spend the few weeks after Roo’s birth feeling this way. I want to enjoy my baby! I want to bond! The last thing I need is to feel this kind of stress when I’m trying to do that, especially because it was stress that was partly to blame for my failure to breastfeed Cole.

So here I am- I can’t do it, I can’t tell her that I can’t. Where to go from here?

And then last night came parental drama. And this morning came knowledge of the fact that she has been badmouthing people that I care about all over town. And all of this conundrum STUFF that I had been repressing came boiling back up. And I can’t concentrate on anything and I just want to go somewhere dark by myself and cry. And I just don’t know how to move ahead.

So if somebody could come and tell me what to do, I’d really appreciate it. I’m out of ideas. I’m out of energy. I’m running out of time.