May 28 2009


I need a new pair of glasses, but I can’t make up my mind. Keep in mind that I have not been able to try ANY of these on, and it is pure speculation on my part that any might look halfway decent on my face.

Any favorites of the bunch? Any I should eliminate right off? Really- ANY suggestions here are welcome!

May 19 2009

Because I Needed To

I could tell you about the stress, and the stress list I have that feels like a million miles and a lifetime long.

I could tell you about the babyshower and subsequent other overwhelming acts of kindness and generosity.

I could tell you about the unbelievable amount of writer’s block that I am having faced with such amazing generosity and the need to write thank you notes. As if notes could ever suffice.

I could tell you about how I am now working from home, and with Cole here with me this whole week.

I could tell you about the car accident we were almost in on our way to Sacramento, and how, though we completely avoided the collision, I am changed. Nothing like feeling as if someone has put your entire family of FOUR in danger to make you queasy about driving.

I could tell you about how I looked in several stores in Sacramento for a maternity bathing suit and came up with exactly nothing. What the hell, Sacramento?

I could tell you about how goddamn hot I am all of the sudden, and I don’t mean HAWT. I mean red, swollen, sweating, lethargic HOT. $60 for a pool is looking a lot less like a frivolous expense and more like an investment in my sanity. And quite probably John’s health.

I could tell you about how delicious Cole was while practicing to be a big brother over the weekend with a month-old baby girl. Her parents were awfully patient, too, for which I thank them immensely.

I could tell you about the four weeks left until I can go on maternity leave, and the mixed feelings I have over the prospect. Or the eight weeks I have left until my due date.

But really, I just needed to write for the sake of writing. To have something down; something recorded. And now that’s done, and I can keep going.

May 05 2009


I never thought I’d be this person.

When I was living up in Humboldt County, I was forever annoyed by the earth-mamas and their hypocrisy and holier-than-thou attitudes.

But now I could be mistaken for one of them.

These days I buy organic and free-range and non-growth-hormone food preferentially. I eat granola. I shop in herb stores. I go to a midwife. I will have a home-birth. I knit and crochet. I asked for (and received) an Ergo baby carrier. I shop at the farmer’s market. I am considering the Waldorf school for my children. I have seriously contemplated cloth diapers. I bought organic poop for my tomatoes. I just dropped real cash-money for cloth postpartum pads after investigating making my own.

Where did I come from?

I know that having children can change a person, but I had no idea how much. Just watch- next year I’ll be milking my own goats, making my own cheese, and planning our move into a yurt up in the hills where I will home-school our children and breastfeed Roo until she’s 10.

(I’m joking, of course. I mean, I DO do all those things that I listed, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think this was spurred by my decision to buy cloth pads today, which is a new thing for me and therefore strange [though not bad!]. But I have a really, really good reason for doing it! And believe me- if you knew that reason? You’d think it was really good, too.)

May 04 2009

A Smattering…

…of information, Too Much and other:

  • Cole’s Doctor appointment on Friday was pretty much a success. His ability to hear was confirmed, and it seems that part of the problem was his Doctor’s apparent inability to properly run a tympanogram on him, and not actually so much a problem with his ears. His Doctor was professional enough to realize that maybe we needed a second opinion, though, and the other doctor in the practice got a good reading. Still, his hearing is not perfect, so we will be giving him steroid nasal spray for a month to help drain any remaining fluid and then going back for a re-check. The highlight of the visit was when the doctors both agreed that he is in no way a candidate for ear tubes, which was a huge concern from the previous visit. That means that swimming lessons this summer are a GO.
  • I never thought I would appreciate pooping so much. Pooping is WONDERFUL.
  • I have potential victory in sight today, after waking up this morning to leaking colostrum. Do you realize what that means? It mean my boobs are actually operating on a normal schedule, which means that breastfeeding, something I failed for many reasons to be able to do for long with Cole, could be a real possibility this time. I was already feeling a lot more confident about my chances, due to being in such a different situation, but this just gave me a much-desired boost. I’m sure that many women take it for granted or are even annoyed by it, but when I looked down this morning, it was like I had discovered that my chest produces platinum.
  • I have decided that my post-birth celebratory drink shall be a Duvel beer. Light Belgian beer on a hot day+fairly low alcohol content+milk-producing side effects=perfect choice, no?
May 02 2009


One day I will probably have to face my mother again and tell her that I have problems with her, but right now just doesn’t feel like the time.

She wrote to me, mentioning how she will be around for me after Roo is born, and I took the opportunity to create a cushion for myself. I told her that we wanted to have at least a week after she’s born for just the 4 of us, and that I had gotten numerous other offers of help for after that. I couched it in phrases like “it’s so nice that we have so many people who want to take care of us” and ” I won’t have to monopolize your time as much as I thought I would.” She reiterated her offer to help with anything, but I no longer feel like she is planning to be here all day every day. I will deal. I think this is the best outcome for this particular situation at this time.

And it’s amazing the stress that it has taken off of me. I was actually able to focus on other things today, like paying bills (when I’m stressed, I tend to avoid doing anything that might stress me more) and starting some sewing projects (when I’m stressed it also saps me of all creative energy). I also got a lot of laundry done. It feels good, all around.

I had a horrible dream last night that my midwife started to engage me in a theological debate while I was in labor. This is the first of the super-realistic dreams that I have had since very early on in my second trimester, which is different because I had them all the way through with Cole. Most of the ones that I had with Cole, though, were about John- John leaving me, kicking me in the stomach, cheating on me brazenly. This time, I haven’t had any bad dreams about him, none that I can remember anyway. I did have a dream about a week ago that I knew was a dream when I was having it and wasn’t terribly realistic, but was horrible, where I dropped Cole on his head from high up onto a concrete slab. I couldn’t get that one out of my head for a LONG, long time. It’s still horrible to recall.

But last night wasn’t really a nightmare, it was just… annoying. I couldn’t believe that my midwife would dare interrupt me mid-contraction to question my disbelief in god and Jesus as my personal saviour. I woke up convinced that my midwife hates my atheist ass and that I should try switching providers now, while I still maybe can. It took me quite a while this morning to get over the feeling, actually, which should let you know just how realistic it was.

But if my greatest worries are coming from dreams, I think I’m doing okay.