Dec 14 2009

I’d rather be riding the elephants.

Life is not a box of chocolates. Life is a tightrope. It’s a high-wire balancing act without a net.

Lately, balance has been the theme. The attempt to perch precariously on the edge of everything that must be done has left me so very tired, not to mention the fact that I still don’t get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

I balance wanting to quit my job, but wanting financial stability. Wanting to let Cole be a quirky little human with his own needs and desires with raising a spoiled tyrant. Wanting to give him discipline with not wanting to crush his spirit. Wanting to give Rowan the comfort she wants with wanting to have some time for myself. Wanting to be free with loving my family with painful ferocity. Wanting to leave the US with wanting to be near family and have my support network. Wanting to keep up with my responsibilities with wanting to fulfill difficult dreams. Wanting financial stability and responsibility with Oooh! SHINY!

I feel as if,at times, I have an auto-immune disorder of life- my life is fighting itself.

Which is not to say that I have a bad life, in any important way. Yes, there are things I’d like to change, but they are mostly things that I think will improve with time. Overall, though, I have a pretty amazing life, what with the family I love, the nice home, the food in my refrigerator, the presents under the tree, the loving husband, the brilliant children, the supportive family. It’s just that I feel that, personally, I’m merely sustaining, not thriving. It takes so much energy just to maintain that I am tapped for anything greater. I’d like to do more than just live- I want to enjoy.

So this blog isn’t the only thing that has suffered. I’m not exactly… productive these days, even though I have great aspirations of being. There are many, many things I’d LIKE to be doing, but they don’t really add to the stability of this family very much, so they are put aside. One day…

These days, my time spent online is either to post a quick update to my status on my facebook page (which I have because it has proved to be the most reliable way of keeping in touch with everyone), or to investigate New Zealand immigration. I’m serious. I want to move to NZ so bad that it’s kind of all I’ve wanted to talk about lately. I restrain myself. Mostly.

I know how lucky I am. I mean, I did look at my babies today:


(PS- these were not actually taken today, but I can guarantee that the children pictured are just as cute (or cuter) now as they were then.)