Mar 30 2010

In Other Words: Life

The dog vomited illicit leftovers all over the laundry room floor and then ate them again. Rowan has entered the “Rabid Woodchuck/Vacuum Cleaner” phase of development, which will soon be followed by “Vampire Bat/Bulldozer.” Cole is at an especially whiny, particular, and demanding stage, also known as “4 years old.” John got annoyed with me that I hadn’t done laundry while the floor was covered in dog vomit (“I didn’t realize that would stop you.”), so he cleaned the house in a huff last night while I put Cole to bed (mental note: Annoy John more often. House looks great!). After some discussion, we came to the conclusion that what’s really bothering him is that we never get a break. Resolutions were made to aim for more (ANY) just us time. We need a vacation. I am absurdly busy without actually being officially “busy,” and also without feeling like I’m getting a whole lot accomplished. Except I did just find this hard, little, white thing in my left nipple (hardened milk, I guess), which goes a long way toward explaining why nursing on that side has been feeling so pinchy lately. Accomplishment of the day: Got Rid Of Milk Clump! Hooray!

Also, in swimming news: Butterfly=really hard.

Mar 25 2010

Second Child Syndrome

The Incomparable Miss. Ro from Heels on Vimeo.

Yes, Rowan is a second child, and I have posted far fewer pictures and stories about her than I did of Cole. I HAVE pictures, I just don’t get them posted.

But she’s lovely and feisty and observant and goofy and such fun. She will be a challenge, I know already, but I am also so looking forward to seeing the kind of person she will be.

She’s 8 months old now, and we can just feel her first tooth this week. Now comes the scary part of breastfeeding; the part that can end in blood and tears.

Mar 23 2010

That Happened

Where have I been? Well, I’ve been unsuccessfully dealing with mostly losing my job, that’s where.

I thought I was dealing with it well, but not so much, as it turns out. I’m sad, I’m bitter, I’m angry. It’s strange- just a short while ago I was trying to figure out how I could quit and stay with the kids. We decided that we couldn’t really afford it, but I wished it could happen. But it’s different when the loss of a job is not by choice.

Technically, I was not fired. I was placed on “on-call” status, but it still amounts to no paycheck, so it still feels a lot like being fired. The company is having a bit of trouble, and they reacted, as they always do, by firing everyone who was deemed “non-essential.” How they could view their marketing department as non-essential baffles me, but taking the long-view is not really this company’s strength, either.

So now I’m looking around. Though they say that they would like to get me working again as soon as possible, I’m tired of working for a company who clearly has such a poor appreciation for marketing and a company who is so willing to fuck around with my life. We live paycheck to paycheck in the best months. We have no savings cushion. While that’s not this company’s fault, exactly, I also can’t live with this kind of uncertainty. I have kids to feed and a mortgage to pay.

Mar 10 2010

In a Swimming Pool…

Okay, so what were my concerns? Here we go:

  1. Will my bathing suit fall off? No, it did not.
  2. Can I get my swim cap on? Yes, it went on fine after I got my hair wet (Thanks Naomi!), though being wet made me ice cold.
  3. Will my goggles leak? Nope! I brought 3 pair, just in case, but the first ones were great.
  4. Will I be able to see (my distance vision is crap anymore)? Didn’t actually matter this time, but I could not see the clock and worry that it will matter in the future.
  5. Will they laugh at me because I’m such a giant dweeb? (Dweebiness is a given, and a constant. Laughing at me because of it is likely, but not inevitable.) There was laughing, but it was by everyone, and not just directed at me. We were all nervous. And cold; very, very cold.
  6. Will I be freezing when I climb out? (Yes. Yes, I will.) Like I said. Very cold. It snowed just up the hill last night.
  7. Will the kids (mostly Rowan) freak out while I’m gone? They did pretty well. I’m not sure that Ro even knew I was gone until I got back, and then she freaked out.
  8. Will I barf? No, but I kind of wanted to.
  9. Will I drown? Nearly. Not as much of a joke as I wish it were.
  10. Will I not have shaved quite well enough? I perhaps shaved a bit too well. I didn’t want hair, but I also don’t like razor burn (ouch, and yuck).
  11. Will I crash into the other swimmers and make them drown? No, but the lane marker and I became quite intimate a number of times.
  12. Will I just be terrible, making them recommend that I leave before I hurt myself or others? I started by recommending that the teacher put me in the slowest group (no, really), but he didn’t listen and I was not asked to leave.
  13. What if I have to pee? Decided to not drink for a few hours before I went to class. I say “decided” like the fact isn’t that I just forgot. I do that a lot.
  14. What if I come up and have boogers all over my face? Never noticed that I did, but there are no mirrors, either. No one told me or discretely motioned to me that there was anything unsightly.
  15. I don’t know if I can dive anymore. Not a problem. No diving in class, it seems. Only in competition (NOT going there).
  16. Am I a dork if I don’t dive and instead just hop into the pool? No, that just means I’m a follower.

The class was great. Just great. The people were nice, the instructor was good, the swimming was comfortable. Mostly. I think I drank half the pool my first trip down the lane, which is why I kind of wanted to barf, but then it went pretty smoothly. That first trip down… I don’t know what happened. I ran out of breath and didn’t notice soon enough or something. My body started taking a breath while my face was still in the water, but luckily I swallowed it and came up instead of having it go into my lungs. I didn’t even cough. It was gross, but I tried to just brush it off and keep going.

I did not suck as much as I thought I would, and I actually think that I will benefit from my lack of experience. No experience=no bad habits, which seems to be most people’s biggest problem.

I was sorry when the class was over, and I’m looking forward to going back. The first class was on the slow side because he was mostly evaluating our abilities, so I don’t feel as much today as I expected to. I’m used to much longer exercise classes, so maybe I won’t really feel it with a 45 minute class. Maybe I will when the class picks up. We’ll see.

In summary, Master’s Swimming=Awesome. I’m so excited.

Mar 08 2010

Swimming, Swimming…

Today is the day. I’m nervous and excited.

My dad was trying to help me by telling me not to worry about the competitive aspect of it, but that’s not actually my concern. I know that I am competitive, but I worked hard years ago to turn off that part of myself (for better and worse).  No, my bigger concerns are more like

  1. Will my bathing suit fall off?
  2. Can I get my swim cap on?
  3. Will my goggles leak?
  4. Will I be able to see (my distance vision is crap anymore)?
  5. Will they laugh at me because I’m such a giant dweeb? (Dweebiness is a given, and a constant. Laughing at me because of it is likely, but not inevitable.)
  6. Will I be freezing when I climb out? (Yes. Yes, I will.)
  7. Will the kids (mostly Rowan) freak out while I’m gone?
  8. Will I barf?
  9. Will I drown?
  10. Will I not have shaved quite well enough?
  11. Will I crash into the other swimmers and make them drown?
  12. Will I just be terrible, making them recommend that I leave before I hurt myself or others?
  13. What if I have to pee?
  14. What if I come up and have boogers all over my face?
  15. I don’t know if I can dive anymore.
  16. Am I a dork if I don’t dive and instead just hop into the pool?

I’ll stop there, though the list goes on forever in my head.

I’m going to break with tradition and actually tag these swimming posts so that anyone who is interested in Masters Swimming can read them all in one go.

I’ll also attempt to update tonight after my class. Attempt. But I may be too busy waxing my whole body after that embarrassing incident.

Mar 04 2010

So That’s How I Feel About That.

We got a call this morning; one of the more unexpected calls we’ve ever gotten. John’s sister was on the line and, being 7:30 am, my brain’s “BIG FAMILY NEWS” detector went off.

She’s pregnant. With her third baby. Her other two children are 9 and 7. After she told me during the Superbowl that she was SO DONE having kids, with no regret.

After I had Cole, I closed myself to the idea of ever having more kids. I was more than fine with one. One was great! And then he was 2 1/2, and one kid wasn’t so fine with me anymore. Cole was still wonderful, of course, and if he was the only child I ever had, the world would certainly not end. But maybe, I thought, we could have one more little bundle of perfection, and that, in turn, would make everything else about our little family more perfect.

And then came Rowan, and she did. Life is that much better with her in it.

And so I questioned my new limit of two babies. If two are wonderful, what would three be? Am I really, really, for sure and ever after DONE?

So when we got the call this morning and I noted my reaction to the news, I had a moment of clarity. Yes. I am DONE. So done. And while I never say never anymore (I’m tired of the taste of foot in my mouth), I will say that there is the very slimmest of chances, which pretty much amounts to no chance at all, that John and I will ever have more children.

I am happy for them if they are happy, and they genuinely seem to be. But it’s not for me. I am content to be an observer of their excitement; to be a hand-me-down-er instead of just a receiver; to be an auntie again to another beautiful, amazing child (I already have three nieces and nephews that I get to see regularly).

And this way, I get to cuddle a new baby and then do that wonderful thing- give it back to its mother.

Mar 04 2010

Mr. Mysterioso

I came back to my computer this morning to find that somebody had clicked on all kinds of random stuff and opened up a bunch of strange pages. This certain someone also did a google search on the phrase “cole y8r7fuudfyuyfudyfufyuyfyffdfdfuyfiuyriytvyguyyifuiofuriuo b” which, shockingly, found zero results.

Any guesses who this mystery culprit might be?

Mar 03 2010

Ant Rant

I’m going to come right out and say it: I HATE ANTS.

I don’t want to hear about how amazing they are; how incredible their communities can be; how fascinating their food finding skills are. I don’t want to hear about how your best-friend’s cousin is married to an ant and that some of them are quite lovely when you get to know them or how an ant saved your grandfather’s life one night.

I hate them. This will always be true. I think I may even have a bit of PTSD about them. When I see them in my house, I panic. I can’t rest until they are gone. Even when they are gone, I imagine them everywhere. I can’t lean against the counters in my house anymore. They are out to get me, BUT NOT IF I GET THEM FIRST. I kill on sight. I used to feel bad about it, but not any more.

I hate ants, and I won’t apologize.

Mar 03 2010

It’s On My Mind.

If  you happen to know anything about them, please discuss the relative merits- pro and con- of the following places:

Portland, OR

Austin, TX

The Sacramento Foothills area (like around El Dorado Hills)

I really appreciate your help

Mar 02 2010

Change

We’ve been throwing around the idea of moving for some time now. It’s always been just a daydream; an exercise in escapism. What if we moved there? Oooh- look at THAT house! How cool would it be to live in a city with that?! Hey! We’d be near those friends! What a nice school- the kids could go there. It’s fun; it’s diverting; it’s just for play.

It’s different, apparently, when it could be for real. Those “fun” things are still there, but they get overshadowed by everything we would miss; everything that would be different; all of the unknowns.

Change is scary. Even when it will probably end in a general improvement, change is scary. Even when I see all of the amazing opportunities, change is scary.

Change is coming, and I’m still scared.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  ~Anatole France

“Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure.  But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it.  Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.”  ~Shunryu Suzuki