Sep 30 2008

You’ll Be In My Heart. Always.

Cole has been utterly obsessed with the Disney movie Tarzan lately. He would watch it over and over all day if we let him (we, of course, do nothing of the sort). He walks like Tarzan, yodels like Tarzan, and now asks to listen to my heart like Tarzan does to his Gorilla mom. And it’s a cute movie, and could be SO much worse. I mean, at least he no longer asks to watch Freakazoid, which has been forbidden in my house until he’s much older.

But I hate it. I hate when he wants to watch it, and I frequently have to leave the room when it’s on. And it’s all because of one damn song.

For one so small, you seem so strong
My arms will hold you keep you safe and warm
This bond between us can’t be broken
I will be here don’t you cry

And you’ll be in my heart
Yes, you’ll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You’ll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You’ll be here in my heart
Always

It gets me right from the start, and doesn’t let the heart-crushing stop until long after the actual song is over. I am VERY rarely ever affected by songs or movies, but this one gets me every freaking time. And I sob- OH, do I sob. Ugly, snotty, weeping, shaking sobs. Even thinking about it makes me choke up and my eyes start to tear. I don’t want to let this stupid song get to me so, but I am powerless.

I cry for the mothers I know who have lost a child. I cry for my mother, and how she must be feeling about me not being so happy with her right now. I cry for babies who have lost their mothers, and babies who have found new mothers*. And I cry for myself, because part of being a good mother, to me, is knowing when to step back, when to let go, when to not protect with everything I have, and that is so fucking hard and hurts so much EVERY DAY. Because if I thought I could, that it would make Cole’s life better, I would keep him with me and protect him in every way possible until I die.

But, of course, I can’t. And I won’t. Because Cole is not just my baby, he’s also his own person, and it is a wonderful thing, indeed.

*(That’s a happy thing, but I cry all the same)

7 Comments

  • By ticknart, September 30, 2008 @ 2:56 pm

    Must be a parent thing ’cause my first thought when I hear that song is how much Phil Collins sucks when he’s not with Genesis. Second thought is if we can just skip to the camp scene where they play on the pots and pans and such.

  • By Johnny Logic, September 30, 2008 @ 3:13 pm

    Becoming a parent sensitizes you to these things to an embarrassing degree…trust me! I have teared-up over absurd songs and movies since becoming a dad. Well, OK, I did this sort of thing before then, but it happens more often since Cole was born.

  • By heels, September 30, 2008 @ 3:23 pm

    I don’t give a damn about the stupid music- it’s the WORDS that kill me. They may not be amazingly poetic, but they feel very sincere and true.

  • By ticknart, September 30, 2008 @ 3:54 pm

    And I'm not worried about words or music as much as how much I enjoy Phil Collins's work from back in the day as compared to now.

    Plus, and I'm sure this reveals how petty I can be, every time I hear the song or read it or think about it I get angry because, for some awful reason, Tarzan was more popular, in and out of the theaters, than Mulan, The Emperor's New Groove, Hercules, and Lilo & Stitch which were are superior movies in nearly every way.

  • By emi, September 30, 2008 @ 8:53 pm

    barf. I've cried at that part of that movie. In fact, Im crying right now just reading this. My worst one is the "sweet baby of mine" from DUMBO. That one even got me when I was little. And I can't read "the giving tree" without crying either. OF course, I bawled for about 15 minutes today when I watched "boys on the side" and I HATE whoopie Goldberg. Okay, and I cry at every save the children, ST. Judes, or PETA commercial. Or any Johnson & Johnson commercial. I'm an emo mess…

  • By HeatherPride, October 1, 2008 @ 12:45 pm

    Aw, that was so sweet I almost cried!! There are a ton of songs that do that to me. In fact, just the other day I was reading a book called “Someday” to my son (which is really geared more toward mother/daughter but Claire isn’t old enough yet) and I couldn’t even finish it!! And I’m getting choked up now just talking about it!! But it’s about how mothers dream about their children and all the things they will do….someday…. and then it talks about how someday you will watch your child brushing their child’s hair…and carry their child on their backs…and AAACCKKK I totally have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. Yeesh, what a sap!

  • By Jami, October 1, 2008 @ 1:48 pm

    I think ALL parents have these triggers. Lord knows I do, including some books, songs, places, phrases … OK, I’ll stop now.

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