Sep 22 2008


I should have made that more clear- that letter was not about my husband. In fact, he has been wonderful and supportive. No, that letter was sent to my mother.

My mother and I have never quite seen eye-to-eye. We are, as she has always so helpfully pointed out, very different people. I still love her. I can’t see not loving her. But she has done and said some things both through my life and in very recent history that have made me not really like being around her much. I don’t have a lot of respect for her right now. I have finally told her a lot of the things that I have wanted to say for years, and she hasn’t really liked hearing them, not that I expected her to. I didn’t especially like saying them.

She calls me judgmental, and I agree. However, I have a different opinion of what that means. To me, every human that has ever lived and will ever live is judgmental. To live is to judge, to make choices, to have opinions. Yes, I have opinions. Yes, I have standards. In fact, I have standards that I am not willing to bend for anybody. Being an atheist, I have very personal morals and ethics, and reasons for having them that are very important to me. They did not get handed to me from a book or a church, they were developed by me and for me, and if you understand the depth of my willfulness, you’ll get an idea of the strength of my convictions.

I’m not asking my mother to comply with my ethical guidelines in order to be around me, but neither am I going to pretend that her choices don’t bother me. If she were just hurting herself, I would be upset but not so disappointed. But I see the others she is hurting, and her willingness to do so goes against what I believe is right.

My mother needs help, in my opinion. She has fallen into a pattern that, I think, is not healthy for her. And, like I said, I love her and want to see her get better. But getting “better” is up to her, and she can’t and won’t take steps until she realizes that there’s something wrong, which may never happen. She doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior at this time.

I hope that my mom and I can continue to have a good relationship, but that’s hard to predict at this time. Time heals a lot, in my experience, but may not be enough here. I am partly to blame for not speaking up sooner. These things should never be allowed to fester.

It’s out in the open now, and HOO-boy does it hurt.

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