Jul 25 2008

My Fucked-Up Body, My Fucked-Up Self

Here’s the scoop folks.

No- not about BlogHer. I’m not sure when I’ll write about that. The way I’m feeling, quite possibly never.

I swore I wasn’t going to talk about this. I swore that this time I would just keep quiet; not make a fuss, not make a big deal. It turns out that I am incapable. And why be quiet? This is my life, and writing about it helps.

This may make a lot of things from the past 7 months make a lot more sense to you all.

John and I have been trying to conceive since January.

It started when I realized that the birth control pill was really not a good thing for me or my family. The Pill made me an awful person to be around. I was snippy and mean and unpredictable- even to myself. I found myself saying and doing things that I would never normally do, and doing them even as I stood in my head silently screaming to myself “WHAT THE FUCK?!”

It was hurting me, my marriage, and the people I love. So I stopped.

But, instead of looking for something else (which- have you seen the options? NOT a pretty picture), John and I decided to just see what would happen.

If you remember, we tried for Cole for 8 months. The month before I conceived him, I had a miscarriage. It was never confirmed by a doctor, and it was a really early one, but I’m still sure of it. Sometimes you just know. You don’t want to believe me? Fine. I don’t need for you to.

So this time, we figured that it would probably take a while again. And it has.

But it’s harder than ever now.

“They” tell you that, after you have a child, your body chemistry may never go back to how it was before. This has been so horribly true for me. My cycles used to be easy, relatively free of pain and PMS, light, and short. Now, I bloat painfully every month, my tits hurt like crazy, and, worst of all, I drop into a very unhealthy head-space for over a week.

The monthly depression is not helped any by the fact that each time I get my period I am also reminded that my body has failed once again to conceive.

And yes- I feel like a failure. I feel a huge disconnect from my body. I feel like I am fighting myself.

I tried to have a little hope this month, which was stupid. I started thinking that maybe this month would be THE month. And maybe- just maybe- my stupid body had it’s own fucked-up kind of predictability. Because last month I had another miscarriage.

Again- it was early and undiagnosed, but I still know what it was. Like I said- you just know. And again, I really don’t care if you believe me.

But, clearly, the hope was misplaced, and my monthly depression has found me again.

And honestly, I’m trying to “relax.” I’m trying to “not care.” I’m trying to just “let it happen.” But as anyone who has suffered through any manner of “infertility” can tell you, it doesn’t work that way. And we may punch you in the face if you mention it or anything like it.

And, though you may think I’m an asshole, now I don’t want to talk about it anymore, either. I don’t want to give “Conception Updates” and I don’t want to be asked every month if I’ve managed to finally “do it.” It’s hard enough knowing that I haven’t without being reminded by everyone else. Be sure- you will know. I won’t be able to keep that quiet. I may scream my triumph from the fucking rooftops.

If it happens.

(Cringing and hitting Publish)

3 Comments

  • By Yoli, July 25, 2008 @ 9:21 pm

    I know you don’t want opinions, and I’m not giving any. Just letting you know I’m rooting for you.

  • By Beth Fish, July 26, 2008 @ 6:35 pm

    I’m sorry you are going through this.

  • By Jami, July 29, 2008 @ 10:08 am

    Hugs, hand-holding, whatever you need – if I got it, you got it.

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