May 27 2008

Sorry.

Today just feels… difficult. It’s too much trouble; not worth the effort.

I’m feeling a loss where no loss exists, and so also feeling confused and stupid about what I’m feeling.

I’m rolling into one of my depressions. It’s not depression in a clinical sense. Rather, it feels like an actual depression, like a bowl-shaped dip. At the bottom it’s lonely and cold and sad, but it takes too much effort to roll back up the other side. I don’t have the momentum.

It’s at this point when I always feel like a friend could help me out, help me skirt the edge. Instead, not having friends like that, I feel even more alone and roll in even faster.

I started crying last night as I was putting Cole to bed. It was a stupid thing that set me off, and something that ordinarily would have made me laugh.

I haven’t cried today, but I have that feeling on my throat, and my eyes feel swollen as if I had been.

I have 5 hours of sick-time coming to me, but I feel like I need to reserve them for a real sick day. I have no vacation time. In fact, I have managed, somehow, to get negative vacation time. Not sure how that works…

I wish we got mental health time.

I’d probably leave, but I don’t know what to do with myself except go home and sleep, and that feels like a waste.

4 Comments

  • By annenahm, May 27, 2008 @ 3:24 pm

    *hugs* Sleep is not a waste (not for me anyway). Take care.

  • By ticknart, May 27, 2008 @ 4:34 pm

    You should never have to apologize to the internet for how you feel.

  • By geewits, May 27, 2008 @ 10:49 pm

    You said:
    It’s not depression in a clinical sense.

    Well yes, it sounds exactly like it is. Don’t fool yourself.

    Use a few hours of your sick time and see your doctor!

  • By Jami, May 28, 2008 @ 8:45 am

    It is called “depression” exactly for the reasons you delineated. And it sounds like that’s exactly what you are dealing with. If it happens often, get help. This is the voice of experience speaking. We love ya and don’t want to see ya hurtin’.

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