Feb 04 2008

Open Letters. I’m Sure They’re Not For You. You Are Awesome.

Thanks, you wonderful, oversharing, generous people who decide that lunchtime in an echo-y cafe is the totally appropriate place to talk about your childhood ear-piercing debacle that ended with you at the bottom of a flight of stairs with blood all over your face and still no ear-piercings. That’s awesome. What a great story! Oh, hey! You see this that I’m trying to do over here? It’s called eating. It’s also called not gagging. It’s something that I enjoy doing. It’s also something that, oddly enough, is hindered by your discussion of bodily fluids being smeared all willy-nilly. So, please? Inside voice! Or just shut the hell up entirely- either works great for me.
………………………………………

I know its been snowing recently. It’s great, isn’t it? And, wow, maybe you’ve never seen snow before. I get it. And yeah- you do look SO DAMN COOL with a foot of snow on the top of your car. You must be some kind of bad-ass to have gotten out of that kind of snow. I’m creaming my panties, I’m so damn impressed. You certainly rock- it’s clear. However, when said snow slides off of the back of your car and crashes onto the road in front of MY car in a big, slippy-slidey, spin-outy kind of mess, I get a little… hmm… fucking perturbed. I realize that you view the snow as proof that you really NEED to be driving that big-ass SUV and that you really feel so awfully vindicated now (gosh-darn those liberal hippies and their griping, right?), but CLEAN THE FUCKING SNOW OFF OF YOUR FUCKING CAR BEFORE YOU DRIVE IT, YOU LAZY-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. For all of us.

Namaste,
heels

4 Comments

  • By nrp, February 4, 2008 @ 2:59 pm

    In Seattle over Christmas, it snowed, oh….3 inches–which snow lasted for maybe 5 hours. Woooooo! The next day, I spotted on a Ford Behemoth (or whatever they’re called) driving down the freeway, the following hand-printed sign stuck in a rear window: “You call THIS global warming?” Feeling a little defensive about his need to overcompensate for something, was he?

  • By heels, February 4, 2008 @ 3:11 pm

    OMG! He’s a genius!

    Pssht.

  • By Jami, February 6, 2008 @ 11:01 am

    I hear you sister! Deep down, despite the facade I project, I truly despise “oversharing” people. The ones whose mothers never taught them about their “inside voice”. The ones who have crappy cell phone reception (or just crappy cell phones or crappy hearing blown out by their iPods) and must TALK LOUDLY to compensate. The ones who lead such fascinating lives that they are compelled to share them with everyone at every fucking occasion. Them. Don’t like ‘em.

  • By heels, February 6, 2008 @ 11:03 am

    Of course, we BLOG, so… HAHAHAHAHA!!! I guess it’s different in that people need to visit our sites to enjoy our oversharing.

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