Apr 14 2009

Hormonal

I was really down yesterday. John asked if it could be hormonal and then I ripped off his face and ate it.

Or maybe that was just in my head.

And while YES. FINE. there probably IS a rather large portion of it that could be explained by my trashed hormones, I know that’s not the extent.

There are parts that have to do with my mother, how disappointed I continue to be in her, despite honest attempts to turn the other cheek and give another chance. How it’s so different now than it was for me almost 4 years ago when Cole was born, when I couldn’t WAIT for her to get to Pittsburgh to help me after the birth, and how I have an awful, echoing dread about her being here this time.

There are parts that have to do with just how uncomfortable I am already, and how I know it will only get worse. They say that the second trimester is like the “honeymoon” of pregnancy- not so sick but not yet too huge. Well, I am a week from the beginning of my third trimester and I’m still waiting for the honeymoon to start. I’m not hopeful.

There are parts that have to do with money, and how I thought we might be able to swing that lovely pre-baby vacation to the coast somewhere, and maybe still have enough to buy John an awesome 30th birthday present, but hopes are dashed now that we can’t put off replacing the roof any longer. With silver-dollar-sized holes in our shingles? I think we have our financial priorities pretty clearly laid out.

And some have to do with my lack of friends that I can actually talk to face-to-face. I have lovely friends, but communication is pretty limited to what can go on inside this little box here on my desk, which is slightly less than the intimate conversations that I feel like I could really use right now.

Yet others have to do with, ridiculously, a baby shower, and whether or not I will actually get one this time. A coworker suggested at one point that she would arrange one for me, but I haven’t heard anything since, my mother has made it clear that she isn’t interested in throwing one, and I have no friends who are local enough to step up. Really, this is not about stuff and, I think, goes directly back to the “mother” and “friends” entries.

And then there’s the actual “stuff”- the baby stuff. All of the damn STUFF I have to buy before this kid pops out. There are the newborn clothes (which, upon review of what I have from Cole, is the area in which I am most lacking!), the receiving blankets, the carrier, the carseat head-rest, the bottles, and all of the unbeleivable amount of SHIT I have to have prepared for a home-birth (towels, medical supplies, food, sheets, plastic drop-cloths, TOWELS). AND DIAPERS! CAN’T FORGET THE DAMN DIAPERS! I’m overwhelmed before I begin.

And finally, there’s the stuff that I long to talk about but I just can’t because it would be neither helpful nor fair.

So yeah- I feel lonely and sad and frustrated and disappointed and uncomfortable and overwhelmed and so damn tired.

But yes, some of it is hormones.

Update: So now I kind of feel like an asshole because a friend read this and just called and said that now she’s throwing me a baby shower, and I sort of feel like it must have seemed like I was begging for someone to do just that, but I’m so thrilled about the idea of getting my friends together and spending time with them that I’m trying not to second-guess this wonderful act of generosity and instead just be happy that I have people in my life that see that I’m having trouble and say “I WILL FIX THAT.” And I love them for it. Thank you.

5 Comments

  • By Yoli, April 15, 2009 @ 11:48 am

    So, I have newborn clothes I was going to send to Dandelions. They are mostly yellow and white, “gender neutral”. And a advent bottle sterilizer, etc. If you are interested lemme know. I’d be more than happy to have you have them.

  • By kittyinarocket, April 15, 2009 @ 12:38 pm

    Hormones schmormones. I know how you’re feeling. We’re now playing the “wait and see when she pops” game… and I look around the house and see all the things that aren’t done yet, then I look and see Z struggling to get them done while I sit like a huge Beluga on the couch bouncing back and forth between being really excited and just flat out crying.

    I love you tons, and wish I were closer. Let me know if there’s anything I can do from afar.

  • By Yoli, April 15, 2009 @ 6:35 pm

    Uh, duh!
    cyvasquez@frontiernet.net

  • By HeatherPride, April 16, 2009 @ 12:08 pm

    Oh, I’m so glad your friend came through for you. Hormones are a total bitch during pregnancy, I know. And so is all that dang baby stuff.

  • By Elizabeth, April 27, 2009 @ 2:53 pm

    FYI: The baby shower was planned before you wrote this, so no guilty feelings.

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