Jun 20 2006

Really, Brutally Honest

Can I be? For a post? It’s really hard, you know? How personal do you get with these things? Is it okay to talk about because it has been happening to me or, because it involves another, is it off-limits?

But I can’t get it out of my head. I need to write it down and it feels like cheating to write it and then erase it.

It may be too much information. You’ve been warned!! But I have to get it out.

Cole tore me up badly. I mean, REALLY badly. It was a nightmare of complications. The amount of trauma, both physical and mental, was pretty unbelievable. John and I were only able to be together for the first time since Cole’s birth about a week ago. That means about 8 months without. Eight. Of forced separation. EIGHT!

And the going, even now, is slow, awkward, and, at times, quite painful. We were not prepared for this. All the books said “after your 6 WEEK checkup, it’s usually safe to go back to normal.” Six weeks came and went and there was no way in the whole world that we were going to be able to do anything.

Insult to injury is that this month? The month that we’re finally getting back up to speed? I couldn’t get birth control. The only way I could have gotten the pill is by paying about $125 for a checkup and then $40 for a month’s supply. I don’t have that kind of money. What’s ridiculous is that I actually have insurance this month, finally. But, because there are so few doctors in this area, I couldn’t get in anywhere for an appointment. Until July.

Now is not the time for advice on other methods. Some have been tried and don’t work. Others need an appointment that would be just as spendy as the pill. We have no solution right now.

And we can’t just go ahead anyway. There is no money, no time, no energy, and no desire for another baby any time soon, if ever. I can’t get pregnant. The thought scares the shit out of me. I can only just begin to image what it’s like for her.

Please no. No, no, no. That is one of my nightmares.

So another month will go by. It’s hard on a marriage. Harder than I ever would have thought. John and I will be fine- I’m not worried about that. But it has taken a toll. I’m just looking forward to a time when we can be a little more normal again. A little more like spouses and less like roommates. And maybe, when we are happier with each other, we can be even better parents to our beautiful son, who deserves the best parents on earth.

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