HEELS

Holy shit, I really am a nerd.

Because, holy shit, I'm in labor and I'm posting.

I've had strong contractions regularly since about 9:30 and they've been no more than 5 minutes apart since 10:30. The midwife has been called. I'm to make my way in when I can no longer talk through the contractions.

He still may not be here today, but he seems to be on his way!

I also started my leave today and, happily, will not be going back to work until December 19th. It feels strange to have no requirements of me except to have and care for this boy. I feel unemployed but with no need to search for a job.

There may not be another update on my site for a while, but be sure to check John's. We'll let everybody know when we're home and be sure to give all the pertinent stats (like how many times I used the F word while pushing; how many times I cursed John for getting me this way; etc...).

Thanks to everybody for your words of encouragment.

Lots of love.

I am home again today after all. I went to work this morning and decided to try to move up my midwife appointment, which was supposed to be Thursday, to anytime sooner. I got one at 1:40.

When I went in, the midwife asked if I wanted my membranes swept and I said yes.

Are you ready for it...?

I am already 3 centimeters dialated and 75% effaced and Cole's head is quite low at 0 station. She swept my membranes and sent me home saying "don't quote me on it, but I think it's fairly likely that you'll go into labor within the next 24 hours."

I could have kissed her.

Of course, if I don't I'll be even more disappointed, but we won't think on that now.

It's nice to be home. Today is the 9th anniversary of when I started dating my husband (as well as being my official due date). Maybe John and I can get out one last time before Cole is here for a nice dinner.

And then I will promptly pop this baby out.

(Right?)

Just so everyone knows-

I am going to work today so I will not be posting until late, if at all past this. I just didn't want to leave anyone wondering.

It feels very strange to be going to work today. Really wrong.

Can it acurately be called nesting if I'm just cleaning the way I always should?

Yesterday I couldn't sit still. Never mind that I was two days away from my "due date" and still suffering with a hurt ankle- that wasn't going to stop me! I rearranged John's drawers (not a euphamism), flipped the mattress (again, not a euphamism), changed the sheets, did ALL of the laundry, ALL of the dishes, baked cookies, cleaned the counters, took out the garbage and did basic picking up and rearranging in all of the rooms except John's office (which I'm too scared to touch).

The things I wanted to do but didn't because of the chemicals involved: bathtub, sinks, carpet scrubbing, furniture painting. The things I didn't do because of physical limitations: basement (wow, it needs some help), garden (again- HELP!).

So now what do I do? I've left nothing for today but vacuuming, which does need to get done but is boring and won't take long even if I include the baseboards, which I plan to. John even swept the kitchen floor already so I don't have that. Maybe I 'll just have to post once an hour, every hour all day long. Yeah, that's gonna happen...

Hmmm... I wonder if the bathmats need to be washed again?

No pressure or anything, right?

So I got a call last night from my father. He and my mom are in Napa (California) on an all-expense paid wine tour given to them by one of his clients (his company builds a lot of wine caves). They had been drinking wine all day and had just won a $200 magnum of champagne and had to call to tell me that they were going to use it to celebrate Cole's birth and I had better get on it.

Now, I know he was just teasing (and a little trashed). I know that's how my dad is. But do you really think it's wise to call a woman who has been on pins and needles for days about the possibility of going into labor and tell her that she better step on it so that you can get your drink on?

Let's just say that he's lucky that he was in California and I am in Pennsylvania.

The laundry is done, as are the dishes. The counters are cleaned, the trash is out, the odds and ends are picked up. Molasses-spice cookies have been made, making the house smell nice (and making it a little warmer). The bed is made with fresh flannel sheets. Everything has been taken care of and it's a dreary night outside, making us in no hurry to go anywhere. It's a perfect night to stay in and meet someone new and special. We're ready, little baby. Where are you?

Uncomfortable contractions through parts of last night- strong enough to wake me up.

Going into active labor today? Not friggin' likely.

I'm very confused and very frustrated. For the second day in a row, I seemed to be in pre-labor all day. It just won't progress. Be warned- TOO MUCH INFORMATION coming...
I had a spot of blood yesterday, which made me think it was the "bloody show" aka mucous plug (I feel pretty, oh so pretty). I went to bed last night thinking that I would wake up at some point in the middle of active labor. Well, I woke up but not to contractions. I was up for three hours in the middle of the night. All day today I've been having contractions, but they're not very strong and they haven't gotten longer, stronger or more frequent. They don't seem to have a pattern at all. They're making me feel really stupid.

(TMI AGAIN!)Tonight my body...ahem...cleaned itself out, if y'know what I mean. It's another sign of impending active labor, yet it still doesn't seem to be moving along. I am really at a loss for what to do which is especially frustrating because I'm sure there's really nothing I can do. I feel the need to take a more active part in this somehow, but this is one time when my body has the control, not my head. I've tried all of the things that they suggest in the books. The thing that has worked best is walking, but I somehow managed to screw up my ankle early yesterday and it really hurts to walk. Does anyone have any suggestions? And if you say to just relax and take it easy I will find you and rip your fucking throat out.

The thing that is the least significant but irritates me the most about not having gone into labor today? That I've missed the chance to have him on the 21st- my favorite number in sign language.

But, my sister had her son on the day I guessed so maybe I'll have mine on the day she's guessed: the 22nd. That works for me. Now I just have to convince Cole.

I warn you, the following is boring and probably best skipped.

Because my husband asked me to and I have nothing better to say and I'm sitting at home feeling like crap, I give you: Heels' 100:

1. I'm a raving atheist.
2. I love shoes.
3. I hate ugly shoes.
4. I only vote in National elections, not local.
5. I no longer have a favorite color.
6. My favorite color in elementary school was black.
7. I wore at least one piece of black clothing every day from 4th grade until high school.
8. I really dislike Romeo and Juliet.
9. I was born in Tennessee.
10. My first memory is of catching frogs in a broken yellow tennis ball.
11. I remember when I was two and my Mom cooked lobster.
12. One of my favorite things was dancing with my Dad.
13. I remember being three and watching my sister eating bugs off the window sill.
14. My Mom and Dad are still together.
15. I like puns.
16. I've read Black Beauty over 30 times.
17. If a movie makes me cry I'll never watch it again.
18. My first dog was a German Shepard named Steppenwolf (coolest name ever.)
19. One of our first houses in California had a barn full of stray cats. Now hay smells like kittens to me.
20. The first cat I remember naming was Chachie the Choo Choo Train. No clue.
21. We also had two cats named Catcher and Rye.
22. My cat Pumpkin had kittens in an abandoned bird's nest in a tree.
23. I'm very shy but I wish I weren't.
24. I sing in the car.
25. I stopped being religious when I was 8.
26. I was kicked out of the Episcopalian church when I was 5. For fighting a boy. And winning.
27. In first grade I formed an all girl, anti boy-kissing-terrorist strike team. When we saw the boys capture the girls we would go in and take them out.
28. In third grade I formed a group that patrolled the playground doing random checks to make sure people were carrying their MADD cards.
29. In fourth grade I had a club that would bring stuffed monkeys to school and talk to them. No monkey- no admittance.
30. Later in fourth grade, my friend and I would fight crime with our animals at our sides- lions and such. No props required.
31. Also in fourth grade, I beat up Nick Albini on the playground in front of the yard guards. I didn't get in trouble. They just laughed.
32. In third grade I was in a "gifted" program with Ticknart.
33. I used to love crimping my hair.
34. I never had the "big bangs" hairstyle.
35. I don't wear makeup.
36. In first grade I convinced a girl that I was a princess.
37. In fifth grade I had imaginary, microscopic Native American friends- sort of like "Indian in the Cupboard", but smaller.
38. I'm a really good liar when I want to be.
39. From fifth grade to eighth, I went to a Waldorf school.
40. I played the cello.
41. I also played the sax.
42. And the recorder.
43. And guitar.
44. And bass.
45. And tuba.
46. I don't play any instruments any more.
47. If I ever had to have a mastectomy, I would get big, black tattoos across my chest.
48. I have eight piercings, all in my ears.
49. I have gone bus surfing.
50. I beat up Essie Taylor in sixth grade.
51. That same year, I threw a desk across the room while screaming "I'm NOT having a temper tantrum."
52. I have scars from fighting with my sister when we were little.
53. We once fought over a pencil sharpener.
54. My second dog was a Golden Retriever named Goldie.
55. My second cat was named Bridgett.
56. I almost lost Bridgett the same day we got her from the Humane Society.
57. Bridgett had kittens (twice, I think) and we kept one. He became Chachie the Choo Choo Train II.
58. I still regret not being there when Goldie was put to sleep. Missing her still makes me cry.
59. In sixth grade I wanted to have 12 children some day. I had names for all of them.
60. I've never been popular.
61. Between Kindergarten and 11th grade, I was ditched by every friend I had for being totally uncool.
62. I've known and loved my husband for 9 years.
63. I once stole a guy from my sister just for the hell of it and then ignored him.
64. The first boyfriend I had for more than a week ditched me after a couple months because I wouldn't sleep with him (I was a freshman, he was a senior).
65. The only person I've ever slept with is my husband.
66. I've never had a detention or suspension or anything.
67. I dressed very strangely in high school because I was so bored.
68. I got into the year book for the way I dressed.
69. I was the Soprano with the highest voice in high school. I'm now a tenor.
70. I've never smoked a cigarette.
71. I've never done any illegal drugs.
72. I was addicted to Codeine cough syrup in elementary school.
73. I was anorexic from about 4th grade until 11th because it hurt to eat.
74. I was the first girl at my school to have Converse and I was teased for it because they were boys' shoes.
75. Because of my dark arm hair in elementary school, I was called "ape woman".
76. I didn't drink until I was 21.
77. I've been to Europe twice.
78. I'm often embarrassed to be an American.
79. I have my degree in art but I'm a terrible artist.
80. I have a German Shepard/Rottie mix dog named Yoko.
81. I only want one child.
82. Sometimes I wish I could be really wild and rude and cruel.
83. My parents and sister are some of my best friends.
84. I HATE Cat Power.
85. I wish I could believe in magic.
86. I do believe in true love.
87. And that I have it.
88. When I was little I thought my stuffed animals were alive and had feelings.
89. I played Eleanor of Aquitaine in my 8th grade play and I've been obsessed with her ever since.
90. I am one of the most liberal people you'll ever meet.
91. I've disliked almost every "hippie" I've ever met.
92. I don't really like cats.
93. I'm a terrible "home-maker" but I wish I could be one of those women whose home is decorated for each season and always looks perfect.
94. Instead, I make fun of them.
95. I believe abortion saves lives.
96. I often call my dog "Pooper".
97. I wish I was good at school.
98. I'm very lazy.
99. I think plastic surgery is disgusting.
100. I hate being pregnant.

I feel like I now have to update everyday so that you all don't start thinking crazy thoughts like that I've had this baby already or something. At this point, I don't think he's ever going to come out. He's going to grow up inside my abdomen. It'll be akward, but we'll save on the cost of shoes.

I've been getting calls from family members every night for the last few. I think I might just record a message on the machine that says "No. Not yet. Seriously- when it happens, WE WILL CALL." Do you think they'd be offended? Probably.

I still feel horrible. In fact, worse every day. I'm starting to wonder if it's actually a cold. At least the shingles have all but cleared up. They aren't even raised anymore. That's enough to be excited about right there.

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow morning. Maybe she can give me some good news. Like that I'll have him before the weekend is over.

One piece of good news that I already have and that is keeping me going: my mom will be here on the 29th. At least her arrival is predictable, unlike some tiny brats I can think of... ahem. She not only has a due date but a due hour and minute. That's what I'm talking about.

Let's just get this over with so I can talk about something else, okay? Cause you know I won't shut up about this until it's over.

Of course, then you'll just have to listen to Cole stories.

I really don't have much to update about. I'm still here. I'm still pregnant. Tonight is the full moon so maybe I'll go dance out under it and put that theory to the test. Or something.

Last night was a hard one. I had two hours of really icky contractions and then they just stopped. My uterus: the tease.

I do have to give a great big, ginormous thank you to the beautiful Powell family, who treated me with a second package this weekend. I'm giving the thank you here just in case I don't manage to get a letter in the mail as I'd like. The package included some wonderful pre-loved goodies as well as a hat that matches his "piggie" outfit (which I LOVE), a shirt of Naomi's design that reads "je ne parle pas anglais" (which I think is just brilliant and she ought to start marketing) and a beautiful, plaid, organic cotton, long-sleeved shirt with turtle buttons that is in gorgeous fall colors. Oh, and the piece de resistance? A picture from Hannah to my little piglet, Cole. It's fantastic, Hannah- Thank you. I just have to ask, where is a picture from Jonah? That would have really rounded the whole package out. But anyway, Thank you, dearest Powell family. You've been a great source of support and I'm in your debt. If we ever live near enough again there'll be babysitting all around.

Just in case this whole "full moon" thing works, I'm going to go take a little nap now. Wish me luck.

(Don't forget to get in your guesses about his due date! It's not too late until it is...HA! Funny sentence...)

Are you folks keeping track of the ticker at the bottom? Seriously- did you notice that the days left are now in the single digits?! Most likely, in the next 9 days I will be having a baby. It is for sure within the next 3 weeks. It could happen today. I'm so ready.

I thought it was going to happen yesterday. The contractions were stronger, I was feeling a bit ill all day and he kept wiggling his head way down in my pelvis as if he was trying to scootch out. Obviously, it didn't really amount to anything much. I guess he's decided to give me enough time to make it to the grocery store at least once more. I mean, we really need ice cream. (By the way, the new Breyers double churned Butter Pecan? Delicious...)

I'm now packed for the center. I have my changes of clothes, John's changes, massage oils, lollipops, ginger chews, big pillows, my birthing books, a watch, my favorite rocks, toiletries and, best of all, clothes for my new little man. It was hard to know what to pack for him. I don't know if it'll be cold or how big he'll be. Just in case, I packed layers. These clothes have been washed and set aside for weeks. I've taken them out and stared at their preciousness several times a week since I've had them. Now that they're packed, the next time they come out will be when I put them on our son for the first time. That makes me so scared and so happy all at once.

I've really been wishing lately, and I think John has too, that we had our friends closer to us to be sharing this time. Most of you will never get to see me pregnant except in pictures. Some of you may not get to meet Cole for a long time. Though nothing quite compares to having our friends physically here, I've really appreciated all of the nice comments and messages we've been getting. I guess it's the next best thing.

If you'd like to be on a list to be contacted soon after Cole arrives, please drop me a note with the best way to get ahold of you. Either leave a comment or send me an email. ***heels9leavethisout@hotmaildotcom*** Remember, it could happen soon so get your requests in asap!!

Quick updates:
Shingles- almost gone!!!!! I love medicine that works!!!!!!
Belly button- drumroll please... OUTIE!
Stretchmarks- 2 (shit.)
Peeing myself- negative

Things are SO much better today.

Yes, I still have shingles, but I have been in contact with my midwives a few times since the weekend and have had good news. First, I started on the anti-virals and they really seem to be doing their tricky, wonderful stuff. I just can't say enough about some parts of modern medicine. Second, I had some horrible concerns about not being able to give birth at the midwife center and not being able to breastfeed. Turns out that, though my concerns were quite valid, I don't need to worry any longer. The midwife center will not turn me away at the door like a leper and I will not kill or hurt my son by breastfeeding him. Heartbreak avoided.

It was a really hard couple of days before I could get all the information. There were many, many tears. Now I can move on to labor with the confidence that I've done everything I can and that, most likely, everything will be okay.

I just can't wait to meet my son.

Y'know how everything was going really well? No complications or anything big throughout the pregnancy? Yeah. That's changed.

Before anybody worries- Cole is fine and I will not die (at least, not from this).

Yes, it is the return of the shingles.

I got shingles last year when we moved here from California. The stress of the move and our precarious, no-job-having position here left me weakened enough that the virus just took over. It was the most excruciatingly painful month of my life.

This time, unlike last, I have insurance and I was able to call my midwife at the first signs. She phoned in a prescription for me after I noticed the little bumps yesterday morning. I started on the supressive drugs right away. Last time I didn't have ANY drugs- no pain killers or anything. I'm hoping that the drugs will help to make this outbreak less severe and the duration shorter. Sometimes, though, the drugs don't really do anything at all. It's a virus, after all, and tricky to control.

I don't yet know what this means for my ability to give birth in the center like I've wanted all along. I may be excluded because of my contagious-ness. Unlike chicken pox, shingles can't be spread to others by coughing or anything. However, contact with the effected area of skin can give someone chicken pox if they've never had it before, and pregnant women and chicken pox do not mix. I don't know if they can take the chance of it remaining on the birthing bed or in the tub. I just don't know how contagious it can be.

I also don't know if I can go through labor dealing with the pain of the shingles and the pain of childbirth at the same time. One or the other I think I could manage, but both on top of each other I think might literally make me insane. I felt close to insanity the last time I had this and I was otherwise healthy at the time. I have never been in more pain than when I had shingles. It is non-stop. I may have to resort to drugs now because of it, which is terrifically disappointing. It's almost like my choice is being taken away from me.

Continuing with this trend of not knowing, I'm not sure if I will be able to breastfeed Cole. I can't have him come into contact with that part of my skin and it happens to my on my left side right under my breast. I don't know what kind of precautions I'll have to take with him. I do know that it's really less than desirable to have a newborn contract chicken pox. We may be forced into bottlefeeding, which is even more heartwrenching than the idea of a non-natural birth.

Additionally, I don't know what this means for work. I was in so much pain last time that I couldn't even pay attention to a movie, let alone get dressed and be in the normal world. It may mean that I have to quit work early and I don't know if they would give me my job back. I need my job back- it's the only way that this family stays afloat financially.

So, I have a lot of unknowns and a lot of questions. I'll be seeing a midwife on Thursday and might get some answers then. Right now, that feels like a very long wait. I'm having a hard time coping with everything. Unfortunately, the more stressed I am, the worse the shingles can get. I don't know how to not be stressed right now. Every time I think about all of this I break down in tears, like right now, for instance.

Plus, I got a stretchmark. I knew I was jinxing myself by bragging before.

But I still haven't peed myself. Gotta look on the bright side, right?

No takers, huh? I'm feeling very sorry for myself right about now. I think I'll just wallow in it for a while , if it's all the same to everybody. Oh wait, that's right- there isn't anybody.

John and I are both taking the day off tomorrow for Kerrie and Dave's wedding. I love weddings and I'm excited to be going. I'm going to be doing her makeup too, something I also love. She came over last night and we did a trial run to make sure that the colors were going to come out right and that she didn't hate what I had in mind. I had some concerns about what she would actually like, but it turned out that we both had about the same idea. She said she was really happy when she left. I hope it was true.

It's funny that I never wear makeup but I love putting it on other people. There's something so satisfying about having a vision of a makeup design, seeing it come together in real life on someone's face and having them be happy about it. It's amazing the kind of confidence it can give people. It's like non-surgical facial reconstruction. If I thought I was good enough to do it and make a living, I would. That would be the most stress free job ever for me. Unfortunately, I don't have the confidence and no amount of makeup will help me.

But the wedding should be fun. I hope. My dress is okay, for a maternity thing, but I don't have shoes or jewelry to go with it. The no shoes part bothers me most, but I just couldn't justify $40 on shoes I would probably only wear once. I did get maternity panty hose. They are horrible! I hate panty hose to begin with, and these are worse than most. They are thick, hot and UGLY, though not as ugly as my legs are right now which is why I will wear them anyway. They are also nearly impossible to get on by myself. I tried them on last night to make sure they would work and I got stuck. I had to call John in to pull the left side up my leg. I am so SEX-AYY right now. This is the second time in recent weeks I have had to call on him to help me because I've been stuck. A little while ago I decided to take a bath. It was the first bath I had taken since I've been pregnant (no, not the first time I'd bathed- I manage to do that every day somehow). I was doing great- so relaxed and virtually pain free for once- until I tried to get out. I realized that the bubbles (what's a bath without bubbles?) had made the bottom slippery (it could have had to do with the MASSIVE amount of bubble stuff I put in) and I was not strong/coordinated/brave enough to attempt to lunge to my feet alone. I made it onto my hands and knees, but then I had to yell for John. Now, I know my husband loves me and that he understands that I am not at my sexiest while 9 months pregnant, but I really could have done without him having such definitive proof. Like I said: I'm SEX-AYY! The panty hose prove it.

Of course, If my dream last night is correct, I won't even make it to the wedding. My dream self is convinced that I will go into labor at some point today or early tomorrow. Damn, would Kerrie be pissed.

So why do I keep writing if no one is reading? I guess I'm just a masochist. Of course, you're all sadists for not commenting. I guess we're all just pervs of some sort. Don't try to defend yourselves- you know it's true.