HEELS

I wrote a very long post, but I'm not going to put it up. It's too whiny and self-indulgent.

All I can write today is shit that's bumming me out.

Cole has two bad ear infections, I didn't sleep much last night, I'm feeling left out and un-loved, and it was one of the most boring days in history here at work.

Why don't we all come back fresh after the new year.

Have a good one.

(Leave a comment. I'm begging you. Seriously, on my knees! Comments=happy Dani, because I'm shallow and insecure.)

(Love me. Please?)

One of the engineers, one whom I actually like and who has lived and worked in amazing places all over the world, just came out to tell me a joke.

"When I used to work in Alaska, we used to say 'Do you know what you get when you rub noses together? Sniff-ilis.'"

So bad.

Former President Gerald Ford died late yesterday. The report I heard this morning said that the causes were not being discussed, but I have a theory.

He just couldn't go on without James Brown.

I would be ungrateful if I didn't let you all know what a great and thoughtful husband I have. He did a LOT of research and came up with some very nice presents for me that have absolutely nothing to do with me being a mom (it's nice to be remembered as someone who has non-child related interests sometimes, no matter how much I really do love being a mommy). He gave me a fabulous cook book with a subscription to a foodie-magazine, and a really comprehensive book about the history of art (I took a good deal of art history in college but I was just trying to get through it and sometimes feel really dumb that I don't remember much). Anyway, he's a sweetie.

Also, if you had $200 of "mad" money, how would you spend it?

We had a very busy 3-day weekend.

On Friday night, my mom, sister, and I went to a wedding shower for a woman who babysat for me and my sister a couple of times. Her mom was throwing the party and wanted to make it extra special and hired a fire juggling/spinning group. I actually knew them from bellydancing, but had never seen them perform. They were so awesome. I was incredibly impressed. I took so many pictures and loved them all. I had a very hard time choosing which ones to show you. I just had to randomly pick a few:











On Saturday, we went to see Santa. Cole did not lose it, but he was very wary. He kept giving Santa the eye, letting him know that he was not too sure about all of this and reserved the right to freak out at any second. It was still pretty cute. Santa was a crotchety old bugger, though. When I put Cole on his lap (picture not shown), he said "30 seconds!" Jerk.



On Sunday we hung around the house and played in the freezer boxes. My family had a tradition of getting refrigerator boxes- one each for me and my sister- before Christmas each year. We would decorate them and make them cozy inside and sleep most nights in them, especially on Christmas Eve. We loved it. I still remember it with so much fondness. This year the tradition was handed down to Spencer, but Cole didn't mind having the boxes around, either.


On Monday Cole had an encounter with a planter which resulted in one of the ugliest pictures ever taken of my child. It's potting soil on top and goldfish drool on the bottom:
And then the cuteness:



And then the scary raised eyebrows. To tell the truth, I was trying my very best not to fall on my ass while my mom was taking this picture. I think I was trying to use my eyebrows as a counter balance.
Well, there ya go. It was simple, but it was ours. There was no huge drama, which is enough to be thankful for, and there was good food. I love my family.

How was yours?

That wasn't the last post. It was going to be but then I remembered that I had totally meant to tell you my new Cole story and didn't. You aren't getting away without the Cole story! I mean it!

Last night Cole was playing very quietly by himself in the corner with an antique truck (this was a truck that belonged to my grandfather and every kid in our family since has played with it, too). Spencer, his cousin, came tear-assing into the room, yelling and singing and making his usual racket.

Cole kept playing for a minute, then turned around and very seriously said "Be quiet. Shhhhhh" with his precious, pudge-a-licious pointer finger pressed against his lips.

My mom and I looked at each other to confirm that we had just heard the same thing.

Then, a minute later, he did it again. It was unmistakeable. And precious. And holy crap did my tiny baby just do that?

I can't stop laughing about it.

I am done. Just done with it. I don't even care that I haven't finished shopping. I'm out of time, out of money, out of energy. I'm done.

I was trying to finish a present for someone special last night and my sewing machine broke. The whole damn needle assembly came off as I was happily stitching away. I'm lucky it didn't fly off and embed itself in my eyeball (one of my sewing worst-case-scenario nightmares).

Probably needless to say that that person isn't getting much from me this year. At least not until I can find someone to fix my machine.

(Note to anyone looking to make me their BFF: Amazon has a Brother serger for only $200. I WA-ha-ha-ha-ant!)(Now back to reality, nerdface.) (I'm the nerdface. Not you. You're lovely.)

The (boring, but what he wants) presents came for my husband, but the presents that were supposed to be for me (that he ordered and I honestly know nothing about) have not. We might actually surprise each other for once this Christmas if my stuff makes it here on time. Usually we are so excited to give each other the gifts that we hand them over about 2 minutes after we get them. It's nice to have a real surprise sometimes, though.

I gave the engineers their presents today. I made each of them an M&M subdrain. I used cheap measuring cups and layered in 5 kinds of M&Ms, starting with the biggest on the bottom and moving to the smallest on top. Then I put in a red licorice "pipe". For the card, I drew a subdrain and labeled it with the various layers of M&Ms. I wrapped the whole thing with fabric (subdrains are wrapped with filter fabric) and tied it with a bow. I don't think real subdrains have a bow, but it looked nice so maybe they should give it a try sometime.

Anyway, that was a long way of saying I'm a dork. I think they appreciated it. They've given me nothing, which is what I expected. They're engineers- need I say more?

After all that, I really am excited about Christmas. I like it now more than I used to. Now I can sleep the night before and I can watch my child's excitement. I don't know if he gets the idea of presents yet, but I think he'll be digging on the wrapping paper.

Have a wonderful, fabulous, relaxing Christmas/Last day of Chanukkah/Winter Solstice/Kwaanza/Japanese New Year/Festivus/Whatever... HOLIDAY!

You know, I think I'm more excited about the day off than anything.

I know that I do most of my blog reading with a feed-reader, so I often don't catch changes in blog designs and such until it's mentioned somewhere in a post and I click over to check it out. So, just in case many of you are doing the same, I am going to mention here that I've started a campaign with Heifer for a modest $120 donation. I will be donating and I hope that you can find a little extra in your budget to do the same. I'm getting nothing out of it except the reward of knowing that I have lovely and generous friends and readers. Please check out Heifer's site even if you don't have the funds to donate now. They are a worthy and wonderful organization, and I would give them more if I could.

Thanks.

I have no new pictures, no new good stories. Over the weekend I missed 1) A lap dance performed in front of the dancer's mother (but not in her lap, thank goodness) and 2) A very akward, old stripper in a black leather utility kilt. So there were good stories out the window because I was actually trying to get some damn sleep for once. What a waste.

Cole also narrowly avoided burning the ever-loving crap out of his hand. My father was quick enough to yank him back as he was millimeters away from climbing on the wood stove. He got a mean bump on his knee from the brick, but I'll take that over burns any day. We actually thought he had touched it for a few minutes because he was wailing, but, after running his hand under cold water for a bit and not seeing any marks, just cold, cold little fingies, we realized that the crying was from the knee and being scared by being jerked back by his collar. I was very calm through it all, but he had to bear an over-long, probably too hard hug from me when it was all over. Poor kid.

And work. I blame not posting on work. Isn't it supposed to be quiet around this time of the year? What gives? I should be able to just sit here and do my damn Christmas shopping while drinking tea and trying not to get sick again. What's with all the demands on my time? "Danielle, edit this." "Danielle, make 10 billion copies of this." "Danielle, set up this project code." You'd think they paid me or something...

And, to top it off, the utterly incompetent receptionist was fired last week, so I'm on phone back-up a LOT more often. I hate phones.

I can't wait for my two three-day weekends in a row. It's not enough, but it's something.

My life, people. It's just such a trial. I don't know how I go on, really. I think you should all send me presents/money/egg nog-with-whiskey to ease my pain.

C'mon. I'm not seeing the whiskey yet. Hurry.

Pictures. Ummm... No. If I put up the picture I have I just might cry. I don't need to get started on the crying today. I still have work to do.

Speaking of work, it is unfair and harsh. I think that sums it up rather nicely. I'll go back to eating my m&m's out of my tiny paper cup now.

Cole had a rough night last night. I may have yelled OMIFUCKINGGAWDLETMESLEEP! at some point, and it wasn't because of John, if you know what I mean. It seemed like every time I got Cole to sleep and tried to roll over to perhaps close my eyes JUSTFORAFUCKINGSECOND, he would wake up again. Of course.

So I'm tired. And work is unfair and harsh.

But at least I wasn't the one fired today! HA! How's that for a silver lining?

I tried to get my revenge on Cole by taking him to get the second half of his flu shot today (doing almost anything to keep my kid alive and healthy does SO equal revenge. Because.), but it didn't work. He was utterly unfazed by the entire experience. Cole: "Um, Mom? Sooooo bored by this right now. Ooh! Band-aid! Okay. Bored again."

I'm not kidding- not a tear, not a whimper, not even a sticky-outy-lip. I didn't get to use any of my extensive cuddling, gently-wiping-tears-away, and kiss-make-better skills. SO. BUMMED.

He's such a tough kid. I love him so.

(I'm so scattered it's not even funny. I think I'm just being held together by my pantyhose at this point.)

I will probably be putting up some pictures, but I don't have any yet, and then they have to go through the rigorous screening process for web-post-ability. But I wore makeup this time, so I'm hoping that there will be something...

We had our company party on Saturday at this place. It was lovely. We stayed the night there, too, in one of these. Gorgeous. We brought in a babysitter and so we didn't have to drive home and we didn't have to be back at a certain time and I was almost a little drunk with the feeling of freedom. Or maybe it was the Manhattans. Yummy.

And we looked Goooood. I had on my favorite BCBG polka dot dress that John bought me for valentine's day pre-baby. It still fit! That could have been enough to make the whole night good. I also had seam-up-the-back stockings and a garter belt (though I didn't show that to anyone. I wasn't THAT drunk. Plus, my DAD was there.). I've never worn a garter belt before. It was...different. I wore my really high, peek-toe shoes for the first time in a while and was only as drunk as I was (really, not very. I exaggerate. Usually.) to kill the pain in my poor, poor toes. They're still a little numb. And I actually had my hair DOWN for once. Amazing!

Cole had a good time with the babysitter- his first ever (besides daycare). He took it really well and didn't even cry when I left. He only cried when I thought someone else was watching him and he took a header off of the couch and smack-dab onto the edge of the coffee table. I know it was really a desperate plea for attention, though, and that it meant that he really didn't want me to leave. I know it. The fact that he was happily playing seconds later means nothing.Nothing!

Cole, the babysitter, Spencer (his cousin), and twin 7-year-old girls were all there together. I was afraid that the older kids would run right over him so I asked the babysitter to please keep an extra close eye on him. Apparently, the girls were doing their usual "We want to play with the babydoll" (meaning Cole) routine which consists of picking him up, hauling him to another part of the room, getting bored, and dumping him on the ground, when Spencer actually stood up for his little cousin! The kid who usually is the one to torture him! You know why that makes me extra happy? Because, as you'll know if you have siblings, it's okay to beat up and be mean to your own sibling, but it is NOT okay if somebody else tries it. I believe this is more or less universal and I'm thrilled that Spencer realizes now that Cole is family and, therefore, worthy of this treatment.

So it was a wonderful night all around. Except, what "luxury" hotel doesn't have at least one jacuzzi tub? Preferably they'd have one for each guest and enough hot water to fill them all simutaneously. And bubbles. And candles. And, while we're at it, champagne. Dammit.

(And let us no longer speak of hot water as I did not get a hot shower this morning and John did. That is all.)

Oh HELL no. No.No.No.No.No. That is so wrong. Scroll to the last on the list for the worst.

Wow.

(Or: Do not fuck with me or my money. Baby needs new shoes.)

Did I tell you all about the oven thing? The one where we've always cleaned our own damn oven by hand and didn't know anything about "Self-Cleaning Ovens" and so had no clue in the world what the lever that said "LOCK" on it meant and so slid it to the lock position to keep out the inquisitive toddler and lost our dinner because we couldn't get it open again and John tried his hardest to wiggle it open and, in the process, boke off the whole fucking "LOCK" handle? That one?

And then how the technician came out and pissed around for EXACTLY a half of an hour, which I know because I had to lose a day of work to be there and I was watching his every move because it was just me and a 1 year old in the house with him and I glanced at the (very accurate) clock on my microwave about a bazillion times because I just had a feeling that something would happen and I would have to know the time?

So, last night I got an invoice. For 120 FUCKING DOLLARS. FOR HALF AN HOUR. WITH NO PARTS. On the bottom of the invoice he had written "1:00-2:00, $80 an hour, 1 hour."

Okay- lie already, but I took into consideration that maybe he has a minimum charge of one hour. I know we bill in minimums of 1/4 hour here, so I get that.

But then on the side it said "Service Charge =$80. Labor Charge =$40."

Ummmm... Huh?

I called my property management company and said (though much more politely) "WTF?!"

She said "I see what you mean."

She called the appliance place and spoke with the guy who just happens to be the bookkeeper and the new owner. He insisted that he had been there an hour, in fact- more than an hour, but he was a nice guy and wasn't going to charge us for the rest.

When she told me I basically sais "Oh no. I don't fucking think so." and called the ass myself.

I actually threatened him. I told him that he has a shitty reputation in this (small) town and that he should think REALLY EXTRA hard about what this $40 was going to do to him. He said that he had to call the property manager and I said "You'll never do business with me or my family again. And you've lost the property management's business, which I 'm sure was important to you. You do what you think you have to do, but just think about what that $40 is really worth to you." I sounded awesome, but I was shaking so hard (I tend to get really wound up in confrontations).

I hung up.

I got a call a few minutes later. I noticed that the number was my property manager. I was still so shaken that I let it go through to voicemail.

She said "I've talked to the guy at the appliance place. Though he still won't admit that he's wrong, he is agreeing to drop the $40. Sorry for all the trouble!"

Victory is so sweet. The $80 still sucks, but I hardly even care any more. I won.

Never mind the 6 lost hours of work, the lost dinner, and my lost time fighting it. I fucking WON.

Seriously? Are you guys telling me that I totally forgot to tell you about the damn candles?

It's not really that great of a story, but it has caused some impressive irritation in the people who have heard it.

We have a company party in December of each year. We cannot call it a "Christmas" or even a "Holiday" party because an employee, who is much-loved, is a Jehovah's Witness and will not go if it is associated with anything "Holiday"-like. So we changed it to an "End-of-the-Year" party. Whatever. Silly semantics.

So last year the organizer bought red and green, 4-wick, pillar candles to use as part of the centerpiece at each table. Nobody noticed. Nobody complained. Everybody had a fantastic time. Wonderful!

This year, the regular organizer was feeling a bit overburdened with work and asked if I could help her by checking out WalMart for the candles. She asked for 9 of each color- red and green. No prob!

I went on a Saturday with my mom (the President's wife, but really- please don't jump to any conclusions that include the word "nepotism." I got my job on my own, thank you very much) and Cole in tow. When she found out why I was buying 18 huge candles in red and green she just about threw a hissy.

Mom: "Why are you getting red and green? Those are Christmas colors! This is not a Christmas party! We cannot have anything Christmas! The colors are supposed to be blue and white! BLUE and WHITE!!

Me: "Uh...I'm really just doing as I was told. Besides, the candles were red and green last year and nobody complained."

Mom:"Well, they're supposed to be blue and white. I don't know what [the organizer] is thinking. We CAN'T have red and green."

Me: "What's the big deal? They are just COLORS. And anyway- blue and white are Hanukkah colors. Isn't that equally as offensive?"

Mom: "NO! BLUE AND WHITE ARE WINTER COLORS! IT HAS TO BE BLUE AND WHITE!"

I bought the goddamn red and green anyway because it doesn't fucking matter and, like I said, it was what I had been told to do.

Two weeks later I got a phone call from the organizer saying that someone had complained and the President was asking us to take back the 18 fucking red and green candles and buy 18 fucking WHITE candles. I know it was my mom.

Back go the candles into my car. Back they go into WalMart (one of my least favorite places in the world, but damn are they cheap. These candles were only $4.88 EACH!). I had to wait in line to try to explain, go get 18 fucking white candles (I'm sorry- it's the only way I can refer to them anymore) and wait in line again to exchange them. A fucking HOUR of my life wasted on PC bullshit. I believe in being respectful to other ways of thinking (I don't have to agree, but I won't necessarily be rude, either), but I don't think you could call this anything but bullshit.

Since when do colors matter that much? Red and green are color compliments! They look pretty together! WHAT THE FUCK?!

And my mom? She isn't even religious. We "celebrate" Christmas, but it's really a celebration of family, not anything spiritual.

So anyway, that's the story of the candles. Not that exciting, but, like I said, there's something about it that really gets people riled up. Funny.

I want to write something. Really I do. But all I can think about is budgets and home repairs and retaining walls and grammergrammergrammer and waste water treatment plants and sewer and borings and test pits and mean bosses and mortgages and "christmas" vs "holiday" vs "end-of-year" parties and having to spend an hour exchanging red and green candles for white so no one will fucking be offended.

If you want to hear about any of that, let me know. For now, I won't bore you.

Demotivators from Despair, Inc.

I have to figure out who would appreciate one of these calendars. I was shaking with laughter. It was hard to choose which one to put up- all seemed so appropriate. But, seeing as how I work with engineers...

Passive-agressive much?

Engineer in my office on the phone:

"No vibratory equipment, then."

He said Vibratory. And Equipment.

Hee!

Aw shucks. You folks are all just so gosh-darned nice about those photos. Especially when all I could think was "it sure would have been nice if I had had a chance to put on even a smudge of make-up. " Seriously- I had nuthin'. No foundation, no powder, no eye junk, no lip stuff. Nuthin. I never wear it anymore and so I didn't even have so much as a chapstick. Despite that, I am honestly pretty pleased with how they came out, especially since it could have looked like this:



(Lay off the pot and chocolate, woman!)(Actually, I've never smoked in my life, but...whatever.)
(I CAN NOT believe I just put that up. I really need to work on those masochistic tendencies. I'm really sorry for the pain I have caused.)

But you can see how a little spiffing up could have helped us not have to take three million pictures before one came out with my eyes all the way open and drool not coming out of the corner of my mouth.

I love photo editing software. It lets me cut myself out of pictures and keep my cute kid in.

Of course, cute?




Well... maybe that's subjective. But there's never any question that he comes from me!