HEELS

I'd really like to have a good friend. Maybe even one of those BFF types I keep hearing about. That sounds pretty good.

Here's the problem- I'm not a very good friend in real life. I've never had close friends and I don't know how to be a good friend. I don't know how to do the long phone calls and the girl's nights out and the gossiping. Or whatever friends do.

I'm terrible at remembering birthdays, sending cards, asking about how things are going... Things just slip my mind.

And I'm opinionated, absent-minded, and can be a bit judgmental and prickly. I don't deal well with certain viewpoints and I can be terribly intolerant of certain things.

My selling points are that I'm terrifically loyal; when I care, I care DEEPLY; I can be very generous (when I remember); I listen really well; and I give good backrubs. I also usually have good booze, food, and chocolate.

So the things that would possibly make me a good friend are not actually evident until you are my friend. That's probably not helpful.

It would also be really cool if, for ONCE, the person who I'd like to be friends with didn't live on the other side of the continent.

I'm trying here in town, but it always feels like I'm attempting to weasel into a group that's been established for a really long time.

But maybe that's what it takes- lots and lots of time.

Any suggestions?

I found this in my email this morning from a co-worker. I'm not into having bumper stickers on my car, but I'd have to fight the urge to plaster my car with a few of these...

*Subject:* Fw: WASHINGTON, DC BUMPER STICKERS:


*WASHINGTON, DC BUMPER STICKERS:

1/20/09: End of an Error

That's OK; I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq ?

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

Bad President! No Banana.

We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

Is It Vietnam Yet?

When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century*
*
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

One Nation Under Clod

2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

Bush Never Exhaled

At Least Nixon Resigned

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then I got this one (and MANY others) from another co-worker:



You know THEY party every day.

And I don't know what the hell is happening with my pictures and stuff. I'll sic John on it.

I was sick yesterday. No, for real. I tried to take a sick day day to stay at home and catch up on sleep, but Nooooooo. John had to take a "sick" day too and he made unpacking goals for me. Unpacking goals that did not include sitting on my butt, drinking tea, and watching all of my movies that John claims make it look like a stereotypical gay guy lives in our house (and no, I don't mean gay porn).

So yeah, we're in our new house! Yay! And I got to take my sick day to arrange the kitchen! Um... yay!?

But now it's done. And I'm so happy with it. Everything is fitting so nicely and working out so well. I got to go home at lunch (it takes less than 2 minutes) and unpack more stuff, so now I actually know where work clothes are, which is probably a good thing. I doubt it would be considered appropriate to wear my jammie pants and my see-through "AlphaMom" shirt to work. At least not three days in a row.

For those of you who have purchased houses- is it normal to be excited all the way through closing and then find all the faults after you've been handed the keys? Please tell me that your list of "to do's" was bigger than you ever expected. Like the really noisy toilet? And the rips in the kitchen linoleum? And the funky bathroom cabinets?

I'm sure my buyer's remorse wasn't made any better by the fact that we didn't have hot water, a working stove, or heat over our whole first weekend in the house due to the previous owners having drained it COMPLETELY and the propane company not realizing that when we say we'd like to start service, it also means we'd really like to HAVE SOME FUCKING PROPANE IN THE MOTHERFUCKING TANK.

But we do now. (Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.)

And the water pressure in the (now) hot shower? Is AWESOME.


(I'll have pictures soon-ish. I swear.)

So here's poor Yoko with the horrible Collar of Doom. We hates the collar, precious. We hates it a lot.





She's getting better. I'm starting to wonder if the so called "ulcers" in her eye are something else entirely though, because they don't seem to be getting much better. Her eye without the ulcers looks normal again. Yay steroids!

In other news, my father turned 60 a couple days ago. I think he looks pretty good for 60. He's a good guy, and I like him better each year. He has been a staunch republican (for business reasons) his whole life. We recently forced asked him to watch "An Inconvenient Truth." And damn- what do you think he said the next day? Not "What a chump. That's the idiot who claimed to have invented the internet. Why should I believe anything he says?" NO. He actually told me that 1) It was a great movie and 2) That he now thinks Gore might be one of the best candidates for president that we've seen in a while.

You should have seen my face. It was a Deer in the headlights kind of stunned.

So anyway, Happy Birthday, Pop. You keep getting better.



This is his "alter-ego" Clyde. Awesome!


And then there's my adorable husband and the cutest teething monster.



I'm surrounded by good.

San Francisco, California (March 22, 2007) - A Nicaraguan transgender woman, Ruby Rodriguez, 24 years old, was murdered on Friday, March 16, 2007. Her body was found on the corner of Cesar Chavez and Indiana Streets in the Mission District of San Francisco. The murder is currently under investigation by the San Francisco Police Department. Community United Against Violence (CUAV), EL-LA, San Francisco LGBT Community Center, TRANS Project, allies, and community members will hold a community vigil in her honor on Friday, March 23, 2007 at 6:00PM, on the corner of 24th Street and Mission Street in the Mission District.

Organizers request that the community bring a white candle to the vigil. There will also be an additional altar set up on Cesar Chavez and Indiana Street, and community members are encouraged to bring flowers, photographs, cards and good wishes to this site. Let us not forget Ruby. She was an exceptional woman who was intent on improving her life. Ruby participated in various support groups and language classes, and idolized Chicana singer Selena.

This murder comes at the heels of at least two other violent deaths of transgender women of color in the San Francisco Bay Area over the past six months. Transgender people, particularly low-income transgender women of color, are disproportionately poor, homeless, criminalized and imprisoned as a result of systemic discrimination in our daily attempts to access safe housing, healthcare, employment, and education.

Unfortunately, Ruby's murder is not an exception, but an everyday fear for many transgender people who are targeted and brutalized by institutions and society at large. Our communities mourn Ruby's death and ask for a renewed commitment to real safety for transgender communities. It is vital that the Mayor's Office, the San Francisco Police Department, and the District Attorney's Office work to end the cycles of criminalization, poverty, and violence in transgender communities and communities of color.

Cole can count. Don't believe me? Check it out.






Number Nine on Vimeo

This is from last night's bath. Check out how well I'm doing replacing the word "shit" in my vocabulary. You can tell from what gets repeated somewhere in the middle there...

(Oh- and this wasn't even his best. The times he did it before I got my butt out to the car for the camera were the really good ones. Of course.)

Being this kid's mama just keeps getting better.

Fucking awesome. How can a girl even choose?

Holy crap, has Cole been in a pisser of a mood lately. My once so calm and delightful baby has turned into a writhing, shrieking nightmare bundle of willfulness.

Mama takes away the pen that you were trying to use on Daddy's precious books (and the floor, the furniture, the dog...). Response? Freak the fuck out (FTFO).

Mama doesn't get that bottle to you fast enough (You know, 'cause he's STARVING and all)? FTFO.

Mama keeps you from sitting on the dog? FTFO.

Mama says that we can't watch any more Melmo because we are already 20 minutes late for work? FTFO.

Mama can't figure out what you're saying? FTFO.

Mama takes your shoes off? FTFO.

Mama puts your shoes on? FTFO.

Mama covers her poor, abused nipple so that you won't continue to "Tune in Tokyo" for hours in the middle of the night? FTFO. And BIG time.

I think you're starting to get the picture. Whenever he doesn't get exactly his way at exactly the moment he wants it, he HOWLS pitifully. He arches his back and quivers with tense rage. He cries real tears. I think he'd cry less if I pinched him.

But worse than the sobbing is the violence he does. He bites stuff. He'll bite whatever's the closest- me, the wall, the floor, the table, the dog. I have to hold him up so that he can't reach me with his mouth as he's straining with every muscle to get close enough to sink a tooth in. It is disturbingly reminiscent of fights with my sister when we were kids and I had longer arms and so could hold her head away from me so that she couldn't touch me.

And when his biting impulse is over, he begins to slap himself in the face repeatedly, which is also reminiscent of fights with my sister where she would hit herself and then blame it on me when tattling to my parents. But it's scary, because can you imagine me trying to convince CPS that he did it to himself? "I swear, officer. He did it! He gave himself that black eye! I never touched him!" But really, it is scary to see him do it. I'm scared of him having that frustration and rage and I hate watching him get hurt, even if he's the one doing the hurting.

I'm trying to figure out what's causing this behavior. Is it teething? Is it communication frustration? Is it me? Am I not giving him enough______? Is he watching too many movies? Is he eating too much meat? Is he getting too much sugar at daycare? Is he in contact with violent kids at daycare? Is he in pain in some other way that I can't figure out? Is he mentally disturbed?

I know that some of that (most of that) is probably overreacting, but with so much being unknown... I worry that I'll keep telling myself it's small stuff and it'll end up being something huge.

It's probably teeth. I think he has two molars coming in right now. Damn, it sure would be nice to have those teeth come through (if that's in fact what is causing this) so that I could keep my nipples from getting twisted off and maybe get a little sleep.

I can't be alone here. Did any of your kids turn into wretched devil children during teething? Or do you think I need to put a hit out on Kevin Clash?

There has been one really cool thing about watching Cole watch movies. He gets really involved. A couple of days ago we showed him a Barney video for the first time. It's one where Barney and "the Gang" put on a circus, and the squirrel does a flying trapeze act. When the squirrel got up on the platform and then jumped off to swing, Cole FREAKED out. He was putting his hands in front of his mouth and yelling at the tv, asking us to come over and watch, and making very upset noises generally. When the squirrel let go and dropped off into a blanket, we had to assure him over and over that the squirrel was fine, that he was really okay. It was nice to see him have so much empathy with the thing he identified as a real creature, even if it was a bit misplaced.

Then, last night he was watching the Elmo movie. At one point, Elmo, Telly, and Super-Grover end up crashing into each other and falling in a heap on the ground. Cole jumped up, ran over to the tv, leaned down so that his face was right next to those on the screen, and started asking, very concernedly, if they were okay. If he could have touched them I think he would have offered them a hand up. He's such a sweetie.

It's just so pleasing to see his kindness and empathy developing so easily.

There are times when this blog helps me with my life. I can think things though, have a sounding board, a place to vent. And I love it, and look forward to the time in the day when I can write. Then there are the times when it's just another obligation in a day that already feels overburdened, and I start to hate it just a little. Often this happens in times when I either just don't know what to write or when there's so much that I don't know where to begin or how to sort it.

Lately, I've been having a bit of both. There is so much happening right now, but I don't know where to start writing about it and I don't think it'd be all that interesting even if I did. It would mainly sound like this:

trivial stuff I did today,
gripe,
Cole,
gripe,
minor, boring observation,
trivial junk,
tell me how cute my kid is/awesome I am,
gripe,
snark,
Cole,
gripe,
more trivial shit.

And do you really want to see that? Honestly, I'm sparing you.

So here's the state of things right now:

• We are moving. Slowly. We (I) pack a little each night. I have no idea how we're going to get it all to the new house.
• We have been seriously lax in the care of our poor dog because we've been so crazy-busy. She needs eye drops everyday because of her chronic eye condition. The drops ran out, the pharmacy lost our record for refills, and we had no time/money to take her to the vet. Her eyes got so bad that she wasn't opening them unless it was absolutely necessary. I finally was able to take her yesterday. Not only was her pannus (eye condition) as bad as I've ever seen it, but she had been squinting so hard that she had developed ulcers on her eyeball. So now she's in a plastic collar- the huge "no-lick" type- on pain killers, tranquilizers, antibiotic eye drops, and her regular meds. Ugh. Because she's loopy and not used to the collar, she's walking into everything and everybody in the house.
• I forgot my dad's birthday is tomorrow. Fuck. I'll be staying up really late tonight making his favorite pie- strawberry rhubarb.
• Cole will not stop asking for "Melmo" whenever we are home. I don't want him watching so much tv, even if it's in movie form. I want him to play. However, I also want to be able to make dinner, clean, and pack, which are much harder to do without the singing, dancing, 4 year old, red monster's help.
• I've taken on an entirely new task at work. It's been time consuming. It's also been rife with drama due to it really being someone else's responsibility, but they were not taking care of it so it was passed to me. And now I'm getting praise for doing a good job and the other person is feeling very threatened and blaming it on me. But it's been fun, and I wish it was something that I could do more often (the project, not the drama).
• I just spent a lot of money on fencing material. Money we don't have. It's a bad, bad feeling, but we really need a fence. I didn't know what else to do.
  
• I still don't have my damn car back.
• (edited to add)My parents are not living with us anymore. They were good house-guests, really. The dishes sure got done more often! Still, I'm glad they're gone. Their house is looking amazing- everything is finished except for the counters. We've been over to visit a few times now and to watch their ginormous new tv. That actually gets channels! It also gets Sirius radio and we boogied our behinds off one night to a latin channel. It was awesome.
  

I have been reading other's blogs when I get the chance. Usually, though, I get just enough chance to read and not quite enough to comment. It's not really fair. Sorry.

I'd really like to get back into writing here every week day. Can you help me out? Will you send me some questions so that I can get back into the swing of things? You guys are awesome and I'm sure that you could come up with some good ones. If you'd like, you can ask me for the same thing!

I've been gone for two days. What, you didn't notice?

Cole got sick on Sund

Wait a minute. I was writing and then my whole train of thought just completely derailed because I got a call saying that we are home owners as of tomorrow. TOMORROW.

Omigawd. It's all over but the keys. Is this shock? Is this what that feels like?

I own a home. I own a home. I own a home.

I'm gonna barf...

Look at the cute! They're rubbing heads. Awwwww....

Wow. Okay. I'm slightly better now.

So... we were at the Celtic Faire all weekend. It was a perfect weekend weather-wise; sunny, mid-70's, not too breezy. Gorgeous. John and Cole were with me on Saturday, but trying to chase after a toddler while wearing full belly-dance garb was a little more of a challenge than I was prepared for, plus Cole came down with a fever, so they stayed home on Sunday.

I got lots of compliments, boosting my ego nicely (but temporarily). Cole got most of the attention. Sadly, I forgot to take a picture of him in his garb in the morning, it was not historically accurate for me to be toting a digital camera, and he was asleep by the time we got home, so I have no pictures. I'm counting on the others in the group who were able to snap a few. I hope. But take my word for it- he and one little girl stole all of the attention. They were absolutely precious.



I will say that I certainly got more attention on Sunday, being unburdened by husband and child. It wasn't exactly welcome (inviting me to drink beer at 10 am), but it was pretty harmless. Faires are kind of slutty. It's like it's a special episode of "Nerds Gone Wild" or something.

I got to hang out with a lot of great people, which is mostly what this belly-dancing thing is about for me. I call it a success.

But then Cole's fever was too high to take him to daycare on Monday, leaving me with no choice but to skip work. Also, he barfed. In my car. Directly on the seat. He hardly got a drop on himself. Smart kid.

Then I found a little sore in his mouth. I took him to the doctor and he said that it was unlikely, but it could be hand, foot, and mouth disease.

Yummy.



So I had to keep him home yesterday to observe and make sure that it didn't progress (it didn't) and that the doctor was killing me with precaution (he was). The sore was because he had gotten ahold of something sharp and bitten down, causing a little sore where it punctured his gums- really no big deal (and I paid $30 to see that doctor for THAT?!).

I tried to work from home with limited success. I got some stuff done while he was napping and during a really great mothering moment (the Elmo in Grouchland movie and a cookie- aren't you SO proud of my parenting skills?).

He's back at school today. He happily waved bye-bye.

Do you see the tiny faux-Crocs? Do you see them? Aak!
I hate them on adults, but they are the perfect toddler shoe for summer.

And in other news- we now own a house. What? I already covered that?

Oh. Right.

(I love you so much.)

(I'm updating to say that I now have the keys and the garage door opener in my sweaty little hands!! HEE!!)

The crazy, crazy days.

It has been non-stop this week. I spent the last two days working on one project. The frustrating thing is that it wouldn't have been such a rush if OTHER people had been doing their jobs properly. As it was, I had less than two days to about a week's worth of work. Sucks.

Plus, we hired a new admin last week and she had her first day on Monday. She had her last day on Thursday. Yeah- she was THAT BAD.

Also, I have my year review today. I love revisiting my failings. It really gives a girl energy to go! Go! GO!

At home we've been crazily busy too. We have Celtic Faire this weekend which meant a long practice last Sunday, practice on Tuesday, and long hours of sewing. In the past week I have made: a gwazee coat for me, a shirt for Cole, and pants and a vest for John. That's a lot of sewing! I still would like to get coins sewn on my dance bra before tomorrow (can I get a HA!).

Crazy, crazy, crazy...

Oh yeah- and we have to sign our loan papers at lunch today. That should be a blast!

It's a beautiful day, folks.

The sun is shining, we have the doors open and can hear the chirping birds, the pear I'm eating is delicious, and I just got a really nice pay raise! If those things can't get a girl out of the dumps, I don't know what could.

It looks like the house is going through. I'm so stressed out that that's all I can say on the matter for the moment.

In other Really! Fun! News!: A deer decided that this life was just not worth living and committed suicide on my car on Saturday night. It ran out from the side of the road directly into my car. It broke its neck. I called CHP to come make sure it was dead and drag it from the road.

The driver's side headlight is smashed and that fender is shoved back. Now I have to pay $200 (before insurance kicks in) that I wasn't exactly counting into our budget. It also means that, until I get the car fixed, I will be o-so-gracefully climbing in and out of the passenger's side. WHOOPEE!!

I got to see two pictures from the belly-dance photo shoot that was done a couple of weekends ago. Although my face looks... okay... I am, indeed, a fat cow. Please tell me that I can blame it all on the camera adding pounds. It adds about 20, right?

Next weekend I get to show off my rubenesque-ness at the Celtic Faire. For two days. All day. All I can say is it better not fucking snow.

I am in the dumps. My stress is manifesting in physical ways. I really need a break. Help.

Last night John and I watched Idiocracy. And, oh my, it was funny. But it was also very, very scary. I mean VERY scary. It was all too real. I found myself thinking "Hmm... That's just about happening now." It also made me want to go out and have more babies. Either that or start sterilizing people.

Some quotes:

President Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito covers. But I got a solution.
South Carolina Representative # 1: That's what you said last time, dipshit!
South Carolina Representative # 2: Yeah, I got a solution- you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!


Pvt. Joe Bowers: [Addressing Congress] There was a time when reading wasn't just for fags. And neither was writing. People wrote books and movies. Movies with stories, that made you care about who's ass it was and why it was farting. And I believe that time can come again!


So yes- worth seeing. Though later that night I made some little mistakes/fumbles and I started thinking "Oh mi gawd- I'm becoming like them! I'm getting stupider and shit! And, like, yeah! Yo- what's up wit the Ecomony? Dude, scrote, I'm gonna go drink some Brawndo. With electrolytes. Cause it's what plants crave. Fuck You! Peace."

(Oh- just watch the movie. You'll get it.)

On Tuesday night we had snow. Not as much snow as we've had before, but it was still a lot- 6 inches in one night.

On Wednesday the power was out at work and we were slightly stuck (at least in the morning) at our house. Work closed for the day because nobody could get anything done.

So we have: pretty snow, a day off, and a very curious and adventurous toddler. And what happens?

My damn camera batteries die. All I got was one stinkin picture.



He was so cute. He thought it was hilarious when his shoes got covered with snow and he really got into eating it. I made sure he only ate good snow. It's a good thing, too, because I noticed last night that my dog doesn't seem to notice the difference between the yard and the deck now that there's snow over everything. She's been peeing on the deck. It's probably easier for her. I understand, I just don't like it.

On Tuesday night, while it was snowing so hard outside, Cole took a nice warm bath. It wasn't unusual in any way except that he decided to give himself a hat. And it stayed on for a long time:

MOM! Don't take a picture of my weenis!

It's a rather jaunty little hat, I think.

He's getting so big. Have I told you that he can now go get a Sesame Street video, put it in the vcr, and turn on the tv to watch it- ALL BY HIMSELF?! I don't know whether to be proud and impressed at his abilities or really scared that the love affair with tv has started.

His daycare lady thinks he's amazing too. She called me over the other day when I was picking him up and pointed to one of the other boys there. She said "He's 20 months old and can't do a lot of the stuff that Cole can do- and he's really normal. Cole is SO smart- one of the smartest I've ever seen."

On one hand I want to say "Well... let's not compare kids. They all develop at their own pace." But on the other hand I think "Of course he's smart! Who ever doubted that? He's a GENIUS!"

I do believe he's smart. I'm not sure that I actually believe in genius. I really think that all kids/people have certain areas where they excel and, if you tested them only in those areas, may seem like geniuses. My step-grandfather seems like the worlds biggest nincompoop on most subjects, but he's unbelievable when it comes to doing math in his head. He's a carpet guy and he can do the math for your square footage in a second all in his head. I can't do that, and I don't think I'm generally thought of as stupid.

I also notice that a lot of people think their children are geniuses. You see it a lot on parenting forums. Can they really all be geniuses? I don't think so. But are they maybe really really good at certain things? Sure- perhaps.

It's normal for parents to think the best of their children. I mostly think it's really good that they do- kids should know their parents are proud of them. But I think we take it too far when all of these kids grow up feeling like they have to live up to that level. Most of them will fail.

So I'll never really say that my kid's a genius. I can't prove it. But I love the heck out of him anyway, no matter what.

So what things do your kids do that make you suspect that they might be one of the best and brightest?

Thanks Hannah- This ROCKS.




Awesome.