I'm a full-time Business Development Specialist living in Northern California with my husband (JohnnyLogic), who is an IT Technician, and our son Cole (born 10/05).
I have a problem with arguing for having another child by saying that the second will be a friend for the first. To me, that's close to saying that the second will be a set of stand-by organs for the first (Drop-Dead Gorgeous, anybody?). It's like the second only exists for the benefit of the first.
But my biggest argument is something rather similar, so I feel like something of a hypocrite for having a problem with the one and not the other.
It goes a little somethin' like this:
One day (a day far, far in the future, I hope) John and I will die. Chances are that Our parents will be dead, too. Our siblings probably won't be far behind, if they're still around. Cole will be left with cousins, but who knows how close they'll be. He won't be left with anybody who will be able to commiserate with him and understand just what we meant to him (good things, I hope).
I know that my sister and I, despite our tremendous differences, have come together at times when we didn't have our parents. We have always known that we would have each other, even when we were still biting and scratching each other in fights for a pencil sharpener (don't ask).
Kids can find other friends when they're growing up. Shit- sometimes siblings can even be your worst enemies! But, in my opinion, there is no replacement for real, blood-related family.
Some people may disagree with me, but my mind will not be changed. Sure, you can make your own family with people of your choice, but that's the thing- they're tied to you by CHOICE. I think the tie of blood is stronger.
It's my family I turn to when I need painful honesty or whole-hearted support. Even if every other relationship in my life dissolved, I would have them.
I want to give Cole family, more than me and John who are 26 years older than he. I want him to have that harsh, unconditional love behind him. I want him to have another person who remembers us so that he is less alone when we go.
Never say Never- your ass will get sore with all the coming around and biting...
So, um, until last night I was absolutely convinced that I was pregnant. Yes, I'm on the pill and yes I'm really good about taking it, but still- did you know that roughly 5 to 8 out of every 100 women will get pregnant while on the pill? It can happen, and does.
And I just KNEW I was. I knew it. And you'd think, considering my pretty fervent "only ONE child" stance, that I would have been pretty fucking freaked out by it.
But I wasn't.
I was excited; no- make that ecstatic.
But I'm not pregnant, for sure. And it's kind of thrown me. I'm mourning just a bit for a child that never existed and I'm trying to come up with arguments for why we should actually try to get one to exist. So far I mostly have "'Cause I WANT ONE!! WAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Which doesn't really go over with my intensely logical and practical husband.
So I'm very sad today, and feeling very silly about it at the same time. In my practical self, I know that we can't really afford it and there are still all of these REALLY GOOD reasons why we shouldn't do it, but in my other self I'm already picking out names and shopping for wee clothes and rubbing my ever-expanding belly.
This is also known as being clinically insane, I think.
So I retract any statements that I may have made in the past about not wanting another child. I want one REAL bad. I just know that it's not exactly practical.
Except, when is having children about being practical?
At Joust last weekend I was going to buy a rabbit pelt to cut up and attach to Cole's sporran (the little "pocket" that hangs in front of his kilt) to make it more authentic. I took Cole with me to the stand so that he could have a say in which pelt we'd purchase.
I found one that I liked the color and softness of and I held it up to Cole and had him touch it. He petted it very hesitantly and quickly pulled his hand away. I asked him if he liked it and, after a short moment of contemplation, he said "It's dead."
I couldn't say anything for a moment. I was really rather shocked. Finally I said "You're right- it is dead. How do you know that?" But he didn't answer.
How did he know that? How does he know about death at all? They don't really cover that topic on Blue's Clues, y'know? It's pretty strange for a kid that young to know about death at all, let alone identify a pelt, which I don't think he'd ever seen before, as being dead. I don't really know what to think about it.
We didn't buy the pelt. I just couldn't do it after that. Fuck authenticity. The plague would be authentic too, and I'm certainly not going to be bringing that home if I can help it.
Cole and I were at Joust this past weekend. It was okay. The jousting was fun (and kind of scary- it was real, hard-hitting jousting), the weather was kind of sucky (rain, then hot, the cold, then hot), some people were awesome, some were less than. But Cole? he was fantastic.
Though at times he was SO serious:
But this is the only photo I have of me. It's okay- Cole's totally cuter anyway.
How was your weekend? And, more importantly, did you get to shake it like I did?
You remember how I told you about the kilt I made for Cole? Well, I got the Velcro on and tried it on him again. And he cried! And kept trying to pull it off! It's nice material, has no pokey-parts, and fits him really well. The only thing we could figure is that, at the way-too-tender age of 22 months, Cole already has strong ideas about gender stereotypes. This could be a problem in our house where these traditional stereotypes are flouted on a daily basis. If it's true, it must have come from daycare because we've certainly never frowned upon males in dresses. It just seems so strange; I mean, he's SO young. Do you think that's really what's happening here? Anyway- so we tried to rectify it by tying the same material around John's waist as sort of a mini-kilt. Cole seemed to be a bit more comfortable with it after seeing his all-wonderful/powerful daddy wearing a "skirt," but we'll have to wait until Saturday to see if he'll put up with it without daddy around.
Also, I am an idiot and have started making pants as well as the shirt and hat I already had planned for him AND have started thinking about a vest. If it all comes out, he'll be one damn finely dressed kid. I am an idiot. Oh right- I already said that.
I'm also so tired. Just exhausted. I can't get enough sleep. Last Sunday, I was lying on the couch in Cole's room, watching him play. He left to go out to the living room where John was and, instead of following, I stayed where I was and (accidentally, I swear!) fell asleep in the matter of about 5 minutes! I'm usually not that bad. And I'm hungry and thirsty constantly. I'll eat a big meal and 15 minutes later I'll be ready for another. I'll finish 2 big glasses of water and still feel like I haven't had a thing to drink for days. It's weird. Maybe I have a too-mah. Probably not.
Because I've been hungry all the freakin time, I've made 2 batches of cookies in the past couple of days. First, I made oatmeal/raisin/pecan and then, last night, I made chocolate-chip/pecan. All from scratch. All so yummy. John is starting to suspect that I'm trying to fatten him up for market. I should be more discreet...
I don't have tv. I mean, I have A tv on which to watch netflix and such, but we don't get any channels. Not a one. Unless you count snow.
So I didn't see Britney and knew nothing about the VMAs until WELL after the rest of the world probably. Until yesterday when I caught the video here on the good ol' internets.
And I started thinking: that's FAT? Seriously? I mean, if she's fat, then I'm OBESE. But I'm NOT obese; in fact, not even overweight according to my BMI. How in the world could anyone think that Britney is fat?
I'm not a Britney fan. I never have been. I've never found her to be especially attractive and I still don't. The biggest problem with her performance (which I watched without sound- a surreal experience, let me tell you) was that she looked like a scared and awkward teenager pretending to have it all together. It was totally uncomfortable. Even the audience looked uncomfortable and confused. I've read that people were even laughing at her, but I didn't hear it so I don't know. She also got seriously bad advice from a member of her entourage who must have convinced her that she really did look hott in those undies, which she doesn't, but not because she's fat, which she isn't. Honestly- I was glued to the screen looking for jiggles and, besides those associated with her being a WOMAN, they just aren't there!
I'm learning a lot of really neat new things at work now including Illustrator, Photoshop, InDesign, and marketing, proposal writing, and business development strategies. I have so many new books I feel like I'm in college again, which is good and bad.
Anyway, I was doing some of the Photoshop exercises and found how to do panoramas. THEN I remembered that I had taken some shots of the sky the day that we left for vacation but hadn't really done anything with them. YAY! Photoshop project!
The sky really and truly looked like this, only it was more impressive in real life. It was storm clouds on one side and sunny blue skies on the other, all in a rather small space (relatively, anyway). I'd seen stuff like this in the Midwest, but never out here in the mountains.
Cole and I will be performing at Joust at the end of the month (with my dance troupe- not on our own, of course). I always have mixed feelings about these kinds of events. On one hand, I think it's a lot of fun to dress up and be around other people who are into it. On the other hand, I can't STAND the people who get SO into it and take it SO seriously. Listen! Let's all just keep in mind that we actually do live in the 21st century, that we are just trying to have a little fun, and as much as you maybe don't like your normal life, I bet you like it A LOT better than you would like living in the dark ages! So how about not giving me a hard time about a fucking sippy-cup? Okay?!
But anyway, despite all of that, I do usually have a good time. And as much as I LOVE dressing myself up, I love dressing Cole up even more. So last night I made him a kilt. It's not quite finished yet (I still have to put on the TOTALLY HISTORICALLY ACCURATE Velcro), but I safety pinned it on him just to make sure I got the measurements right last night. Do you know the first thing he did? He LIFTED it to show me his diaper! It was freakin hilarious. I'm slightly tempted to leave him nudie-butted during fair (y'know- to be historically accurate), but I think I'd probably be the only one who would appreciate that. Plus, the cleanup would be a nightmare. Maybe I'll just tie a blue ribbon around his diaper.
(As soon as I finish the hat, shirt, and sporran, I'll take pictures.)
I haven't been posting because 1) I'm freakin busy, 2) I don't know what to write about, and 3) It's really painful to look at the computer screen. It also makes me nauseous sometimes.
Do you know of any cure for or reason why looking at the computer screen is so painful/nausea inducing?
I broke out my guitar because I've been obsessing about KT Tunstall lately. I realized that the strings on my guitar were the original ones from when I purchased the guitar when I was about 13. They weren't exactly staying in tune so well anymore, and they weren't looking very nice, either. Playing left me with tarnished fingers. So I bought new strings (Elixers) and my new (though it feels like I've known her forever, too) friend Casey put them on for me last night. New, shiny strings+lesson on re-stringing guitars that I should have had 15 years ago+new friend+dinner experiment that turned out right=good night.
I've been having a weird, throbby pain in my right lower abdomen area for the last few days. Any guesses?
Cole was in last night's local paper on the front page! A star is born!
I got to see my sister and nephew over last weekend. It's always nice to see them, but I don't feel like we really get to talk when she's here. We both have our boys to take care of and our own things to do. I hope someday we'll have a closer relationship. I actually like her, despite her being related to me!
I'm starting the planning for Cole's birthday party now. I always want to do more than is really possible with the resources we have. I should learn to just keep it simple. Apparently I am not a fast learner.
People can be so strange. Maybe that didn't really need noting.
Actually, we were back on Monday night, but the first day back after an extended vacation does not make for the best day to blog. Also, the internet was down.
Anyway, I don't have much more time today, but I wanted to make sure to get a huge THANK YOU on here to the wonderful family who hosted us up in Humboldt. A tip for all of the rest of you out there: if you are going on vacation and staying at somebody's house instead of a hotel? Make sure that person could open up their very own gourmet restaurant at any minute, they cook so well. It makes for a thoroughly enjoyable stay. I'm just afraid that we made pigs of ourselves. (Sorry guys! We'll make it up to you somehow!)
We had a fantastic time. Cole and I got to snuggle every morning, we checked out cool toy stores, Cole got to play with other kids' awesome toys (thanks, Hannah and Jonah for sharing with us!), and Cole got to visit the ocean for really the first time. I think he fell in love just a little.
(Ignore the terrible collage-making skillz and the even worse clip-on glasses. I know, really.)
