HEELS

Or, maybe not fierce so much...


He'll get to fierce later. Candy first. Must have priorities.

Happy Halloween!

But first- the dentist has informed us that it is indeed an EXTRA tooth. We aren't going to pull it yet because it requires sedating him, but we have to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't get infected or affect his bite. Oh, you say DON'T spend money I don't have now? OKAY!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is kind of out of place, but we came into Cole's room the other day (where he had been playing very quietly) to find this zebra balanced perfectly on the crib railing. I'm not sure why he did it, but I thought it was pretty funny and, therefore, needed to share.

On Sunday, after a Saturday of trick-or-treating, we went with my folks to a local lake. Y'know- to walk off some of the pounds of candy we stole from Cole. What?! He got to keep some...

Anyway... it was a GORGEOUS day. John, Cole, and I took a walk out to the dam while my parents tooled around in their new kayak.


Then Cole got a ride.
They made it out to the end of the docks before realizing that, though Cole was not crying, he was CLEARLY uncomfortable and unhappy in that straightjacket life vest and should really be let out. I scooped him up (because I had been hovering following their progress all the way down the dock) and released him from the torture safety device.

And promptly let him play in the mud with all of the broken glass, rusty nails, dead fish, and fish hooks. He was cool with it.


He was also cool last night with his wicked-awesome shades. This is just about the first time he's ever willingly put on glasses and also not ripped them off within seconds.

Crayon, Dad. Crayon!

Then we were treated to a lecture.

(The best professors ALWAYS have a bottle in one hand, don't they?)

For a while...
Before he left, disgusted with our ignorance on the proper wearing of Christmas hats before Halloween, to take a little ride on the ridiculously fat shetland pony, formerly known as "Yoko the dog."

Can't write today. Going to stupid dentist. In stupid far-off, distant lands. That smell bad. Be back tomorrow. With pictures from weekend. Includes lots of fishy dirt. Yuk.

In the meantime, what do you all know about lead poisoning and, more importantly, can you tell me if Cole and I have it?

KTHXBAI!

Okay- after that sad topic, who needs a picture of Cole? I know I do.

Cole's birthday was great. It was small- just us, his aunt, uncle, and two cousins- but he had a fantastic time. The cousins all played so nicely together. I know the girls had been waiting for the day that Cole would be able to join in. Well- that day is here. It was awesome.

You better not have given me any vegetables!

The bobblehead race car thing that John almost ripped to bits trying to get out of the packaging.

The homemade cake. I probably didn't have to tell you it was homemade, huh? Shut up! The frosting was really really cold! Either that or nobody has told me that I'm palsied...

Do you have to sing, Mom?

Yay! She stopped singing!!!

I guess the cake couldn't have been that bad. Last year I had to shove some frosting in his face to get him to try it. Since then he has somehow (and I really, honestly DO NOT KNOW HOW) learned the word "cake" and was totally on top of the situation. That cake was in his face (sans fork- I did provide one!) within seconds of hitting the table.

(In case you're interested- it was the 1-2-3-4 Yellow Cake with organic raspberry and tartred cherry jam filling and homemade cream cheese frosting. Mmmmmmm......)

We rounded out the evening playing with his new vacuum. And discovering that this:


And this:

And this:

Is what we get when we say "Smile!" He completes it by making a sort of singing "eeeeeeee" sound, as if he's saying "cheeeeeeeeese!" I laughed till I cried.

I'm a Californian and I have been for all but about 4 years of my life. I might as well be a native because I hardly remember anything else. However, I am a NORTHERN Californian, which is just SO different than Southern that we should really be different states. So this fire thing? It hasn't really seemed real. Until this morning.

This morning the sun was orange. Fire pollution orange. I hate that sun.

I grew up with such a huge fear of fires that persists to this day, even though the last fire to threaten my family was back in about 1987 (when I was 8!). But the magnitude of that particular fire, especially when then combined with more distant but still very present and scary fires since, was enough to tattoo fire fear and paranoia in me permanently.

I know what fire smells like, and I can smell it when it's far away and has even just started. I can even tell most of the time if it's a woodstove, forest, or house/man-made material fire. When I smell a fire, I am all but paralyzed until I find out where it is.

I still have a fascination with the fire-fighter rations that were introduced to me during that '87 fire. They were the most horrible, freeze-dried portions of crap I'd ever tasted, but I remember them vividly and think of them whenever there's a wildfire.

I can also still vividly remember the sight of leaves of ash falling on my house. The leaves had burned so quickly that they still looked like leaves but were entirely ash. They fell apart at the slightest touch.

I am also terribly afraid of fireworks and bonfires. I run around stomping out smoldering ashes that fly out of bonfires whenever I'm around them. I can't say it's really all that fun. None at all, actually. I also stomp out burning cigarettes when they're thrown on the ground, but not just because of the fire risk.

People all over the internet have been talking about packing lists for if a disaster was looming over their home. I haven't really thought of one, mostly, I think, because it causes too much anxiety about the things that would be left. I'd rather deal with it in a tizzy at the last moment and not have time to think about all that I was leaving. My list does go this far: Cole, John, Yoko. I will, however , share with you my list from when I was 8 and we were put on standby for evacuation. Don't worry- it's short.

1. Every.
2. Single.
3. Stuffed.
4. Animal.
5. I.
6. Owned.

No exceptions allowed. As my mother rushed around packing photos and papers and supplies and clothes, I lovingly and with the utmost care wrapped and packed every stuffed toy. When my mother told me that I could only pick 3 to take? She might as well have shot me through the heart. I sobbed and wailed and mourned the untimely passing of my left behind toys. What? I was a very lonely little girl and they were my only friends. How would you feel if your mother told you she was going to let your friends burn to death? Exactly.

Thankfully, our house never burned down. But I'm now remembering how I felt and thinking of all of the families who have lost so much in these fires already. Even if all of their things can be replaced, this will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

COLE IS 2!!!!!!!!

Can you believe that he was this?:







"No way, Mom!"

I was so busy yesterday- either traveling to meetings or in them- that I didn't get to mark the special day here.

Yesterday John and I marked 11 years together.

Let's say that again- ELEVEN YEARS.

Not every day has been fun and sometimes I want to strangle him, but he's still my very best friend, the only person who I think really knows me, the only person who accepts me completely, the only one who really knows how weird I am, the only one I can be a bitch to and know that I'll be forgiven when I get my crap together, the only one who I've ever really loved. We may not be perfect, but I can't imagine being with anyone else. And he has meant even more to me since becoming the father of our son.

John- when I take the time to look back, I can't believe what we've been through in the last 2 years. We've been through some of the most stressful times that a couple can go through, I think, and, despite any rough spots, I think we've come through quite well. I'm so glad I have you. I only had the tiniest inkling of what you would come to mean to me 11 years ago. I'm glad I went with my gut. Grabbing your ass is still one of the best things I've ever done!

Yesterday was just sort of bad news all over the place. I was up for way too many minutes out of the already too short night because my sore throat kept jolting me out of sleep. I felt bad enough that I actually stayed home yesterday. The good part of that is that John and Cole stayed home with me- effectively a three-day weekend. We did some very important movie watching and block building.

When I called Cole's daycare to tell her that he wouldn't be gracing them with his presence, I was told that she and her husband had been in the hospital for several hours on Friday night dealing with his foot. He was exposed to a huge amount of Agent Orange in Vietnam while building the roads. Planes would fly ahead and defoliate with Agent Orange and his crew would follow. Now he has severe neuropathy and lives in constant pain. He's been getting black patches on his right foot. After having a few of these patches *shudder* cut out and the antibiotics not keeping them from coming out in new places, they are now talking about amputating his foot. I do not know how this man will survive having his foot cut off. He won't be able to move around in their house or futz around in the yard or build stuff like he does now. I'm just not sure how it's going to work. I feel so sad for them that they are going through this and I'm a little selfishly worried that it might be the end of Cole's daycare (though they don't have any other way to make money, so we may be safe there). The closest VA Hospital is about 3 hours away, so they'll have to take a day to go down there to have him checked out. Who knows how long he or they would have to be down there if they decide to take his foot. I want to do something for them, but I just don't know what.

Then I took Cole to the dentist. I don't know if you remember, but Cole had a tooth ("G" to be exact) that would not come down for the longest time. It finally came in months ago, but it was at a very strange angle and was never square like the others. About 2 weeks ago, I noticed that another tooth had broken through practically on top of the other tooth. Of course his dentist was out on vacation, so yesterday was the first day he could go see her. She agreed with me that there is definitely one more tooth than should be in there, but we have to go to a pediatric specialist to find out if it's actually an extra (supernumerary) tooth or if it's his adult #10 coming in WAY too early. The closest specialist is 1.5 hours away and we'll probably have to go twice at least. I'm not excited. We don't have the money for this. Not even close. But I have to take him. I'm not even thinking twice about it.

We all went to the store yesterday evening and ran into someone with whom John and I were both friends in High School. We had drifted apart because she had turned into a religious proselytizer, and we just don't care to be around people who can't respect that we don't believe the same things that they do. She had gotten married to someone from high school and had very quickly had three boys with him. I had seen her last spring in a store and we had chatted briefly and pleasantly but I hadn't heard anything about her since. She told us last night in the store that her husband had died last June. At first we thought she must be saying that her husband's father had died, but after we walked away the full truth of what she had said sunk in. Her 27 year old husband died last June, leaving her alone with three boys. I was shocked. John saw her in another part of the store and gave her a hug, saying that we had reacted strangely because it hadn't really hit us before. She said that she knew it was awkward. Awkward doesn't quite cover it. I don't really know what does.

And I'm back at work today feeling overwhelmed by work and life in general. But I have my family and we all (relatively, at least) have our health, and I am so grateful.

Dear Folks;

Part of my job includes acting as Proposal Coordinator. Note: THIS DOES NOT MEAN I WRITE PROPOSALS. You write proposals, not me. I don't get paid for it, you do. I am not trained for it, you better be. I will edit them, produce them, and make sure that they get where they need to be on time, but the writing? It's all on you, baby.

Please also note that this is not, by far, the only responsibility that I have. There are many things that I do that you do not see. I am not your dedicated employee. I do not even report to you. Most of the time I help you only because I am nice, not because it's my job. Please stop acting like I owe you something or like I have nothing better/else to do. It makes me lose my nice.

Yours in Sincerest Fondness,
Heels

I thought I'd share this deliciousness with you all.



At first, I thought I might barf, but when I muscled past that gag reflex, I laughed. So I thought it was a good one to share. Enjoy.

(And if you make it, you HAVE to send me pictures!)

Thanks to Mary.

Can you tell what Cole got for his birthday? His birthday that isn't until the 25th?

Look Mom- it levitates!

I really did try to wait until his actual birthday to give this to him (I'm notorious for not being able to stand it and giving presents a few minutes after I've purchased them), but he caught a glimpse of its eyes as it was riding in the front seat of the car (where I was SURE it was hidden from his view) and he promptly declared it to be Melmo. He was so insistent that I show him Melmo that I had to give it to him and show him that it was not, in fact, Melmo, Mr. Smartypants, but this guy.

I guess I could have then put it away when we got home, but what's the point? He might as well get lots of use out of it while he still wants to.

Of course, he also wants help, which somewhat negates its usefulness as "a toy that might buy me even a couple of minutes by myself to start dinner."

"Mo-ooom! Heeeeellllllp!

I was possibly less than actually helpful.

But we still had fun!HAAAAAAAAAAA!

Today is Blog Action Day, where bloggers around the world are all thinking and writing about one thing: the environment. Though I'm all for this idea, I'm not really sure what to write about.

I don't really have a pet-peeve when it comes to the environment. In general, I just try to be conscious of what I'm consuming and why, which I have found to be the best way that I can contribute. I don't normally bag my produce in separate plastic baggies. I like to use reusable storage containers. I recycle. I re-use paper towels when possible. I bought a car with good emissions and gas mileage. I try not to use more water than necessary. I try not to buy bottled water and, when I do, I buy a big bottle instead of lots of little ones. I try to remember to take my re-usable bags to the store. When I do get plastic grocery bags, I re-use them. I don't take more napkins than I need. I rarely use disposable dishes or utensils.

There are so many little things that we can do to reduce and reuse. I try to do as much as I can. But what do you think? Do these things help? Do they make a difference? What else could I do (and please note- the above is not a comprehensive list!)? What do you do?

I have two things to write about today, and both seem a little heavy for this early on a Monday morning.

The first is this whole health care for children issue (the State Children's Health Insurance Program) for which Bush just vetoed the funding. Read about it here. If you're not pissed off about this, why not? I think you can probably guess my feelings, but I'll give you the tiniest glimpse anyway.

I find it to be TOTALLY reprehensible that we continue to spend money on this dumb-shit war, and are considering expanding to Iran (when we can't even take care of the soldiers who are there now or the veterans from every war we've been in in the past(that would still be living, of course)), but we can't spend a little money at home to take care of KIDS. Why are we out there "protecting American freedom" when our AMERICAN CITIZENS are living in poverty without proper food, housing, or medical care. Let's look to our own country and our own citizens before we start trying to "solve" the problems of other countries. I'm all for being a world citizen, but not at the expense of our own.

I know first hand how scary it is to not have money but need to see a doctor, and I certainly have had it easy. I remember being 25, in a new city, with no job, and realizing that something was happening to me (which turned out to be shingles) and I needed to see a doctor. The only one I could find that would even accept me without insurance charged me $75 to look at me for a second, say "yah- that's probably shingles", and give me a prescription for something that , had I been pregnant like I thought I was, would have caused me to miscarry or for my baby to have been born with serious defects. He didn't give a shit.

Now imagine if it was you, or your child, who didn't have insurance. Your son falls from the bars at school and breaks his arm. Your baby daughter is up all night wailing and you have NO IDEA what's wrong. But taking them to the doctor is not an option because you have no insurance and the doctor's visit will cost more than you actually have and you'd rather be able to feed them this month.

And you work, so you don't qualify for the need-based aid, yet you don't make nearly enough to cover insurance or paying out of pocket.

This happens, and more often than I think many people realize. And it's revolting and shameful that our president could veto money that would help these people. These children.

Even with insurance, we pay $30 every time we step foot in a doctor's office. That's after the $217 per month that we pay just to have Cole in the program. And we're the lucky ones, because John and I both work here and both have our premiums paid by the company. We're insanely lucky.

I'm so riled up about this that I can't really structure this post any more. I'll just end with this: Bush doesn't just hate black people, as Kanye West informed us; he hates children. Let's hope that House Democrats and Republicans care about Americans and children a little more than the President, who I'd say is the Devil himself, except I don't think he's smart enough.

I was going to write a post, but then I read this, and... oh hell... I just can't think of anything else. Don't read it unless you're okay with being sad and outraged. If you're not saddened and outraged by it? You probably don't need to bother coming around here anymore.

With all of the unbelievable and obvious child abuse and neglect that I've seen in my life, I absolutely can't believe how a caring family who HASN'T BEEN ABUSING THEIR CHILD can be targeted like this. How can my husband have lived through how he was treated as a child without being taken away, but this baby is no longer with his parents? He's 12 weeks old! Who is going to be better for him than his NON-ABUSIVE PARENTS?

I'm just sick about it.

I got this from Zoot (Thanks!). I feel pretty okay with the books on the list that I haven't read. I know what they are (for the most part) and really have no interest (and REALLY not enough time!). There's a chance that I've read some of them and just don't remember. I'm bad about that. I've put multiple asterisks beside the ones I've read more than once- approximately as many asterisks as times I've read them!

Bold those you've read.
Italicize books you have started but couldn't finish.
Add an asterisk* to those you have read more than once.
Underline those on your To Be Read list.

Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: A Novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveller's Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran
Memoirs of a Geisha
Quicksilver
Middlesex
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West*
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead
Foucault's Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein*
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula*
A Clockwork Orange
Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath*
The Poisonwood Bible
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D'Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver's Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay****
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela's Ashes
The God of Small Things
A People's History of the United States: 1492-Present
Cryptonomicon*****
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves
The Mists of Avalon**
Oryx and Crake
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
The Aeneid
Watership Down*
Gravity's Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

I came upon this in the supply room today and it made me laugh, so I had to take a picture of it:


What? You can't see what's funny about a chair in a box from Staples? A closer look then:


Hee!

Cole is going to be a dragon for Halloween this year. Despite originally wanting to sew his costume myself, I decided to actually LEARN from the past for once and save my sanity (as well as keep my neck from being constantly cramped and contorted) by just buying the damn thing. And really, I think that's worth $17.

Unfortunately for you all, I'm going to make you wait until Halloween to see his complete preciousness when he's in his costume. He totally digs it. I'm telling you, you CAN NOT wait.

There is something wrong with a world where someone can't GIVE away 2 working washers and 2 working dryers. Maybe charities don't really need the help, after all?

You Are Big Black Boots!

You can be best described as: attitude You've got lots of it - and you love to give it A guy has to be pretty gusty to hit on you But if he's your type, you'll warm up... a little

What Kind Of Women's Shoe Are You?

Or not. In fact, I'm pretty sure Naomi knows everything already. That's why I love her.

The crust? Yes- I think it would make an awesome poople pie. I happen to know that it also makes a kickass pecan pie. Especially when you flavor the pecan filling with rum. Lots of it. Ahem.

Anyway- it's the Joy of Cooking butter crust (that link is to the version I own. I had no idea it was worth so much now. I also didn't realize that there was already a newer version). I have other cookbooks- really good ones, too. But I always fall back on my Joy. Love that book.

(From memory*) Butter Crust

1 1/2 c flour
1/2 tsp salt
1 stick of butter (8 tbs) softened very slightly
2 to 3 tbs heavy cream

Whisk together flour and salt. Cut in butter (food processor, pastry cutter, or two forks. I use the pastry cutter) until mixture is like small crumbs. Drizzle cream over and mix just until it holds together when pinched. (I sometimes use more than 3 tbs, but the crust does get a bit denser. However, I am lazy and drizzling more cream over is easier than cutting in the butter finer and it still works well enough.)

Bake at 400 for about 18 minutes (though I am also very impatient and usually don't wait this long). Brush with egg yolk and bake a couple minutes more (I NEVER do this. See above: Lazy.)

If I'm making something savory (like Quiche)(I can't stop capitalizing Quiche.) I use salted butter. If I'm making something sweet (like delicious rum pecan pie) I use unsalted. Sometimes I make my own rules and use salted for everything. I kind of enjoy the extra salty to cut the super sweet stuff. I always use a nicer butter because the flavor is prominent. And buttery. Which equals delicious.

*Which means not my fault if you make this and it's all kinds of fucked up because I told you 1.5 c of flour instead of what it really is. But I'm pretty sure this is right.

I've been waiting for this day for a long time. I've tried before and been disappointed terribly. I was scared to try again, but I finally decided that I can't let fear rule my life. I had to just go for it. And it worked! I did it! I'm so proud!

I PUT ON LIQUID EYELINER! And got it right on the first try!! HAHA!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cole was asking for something last night and he got so frustrated with me when I couldn't figure out what he was trying to say. When I finally got it, I laughed so hard. Actually, I'm laughing about it still. He was asking for an apple but he kept saying it "poople." Why is that so funny?! I guess you'd have to be me.

Poople. (heeee!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had to put the rail back on Cole's crib last night. He'd been doing so well ever since we'd taken it off, but lately had fallen into the habit of waking up at 5 am and climbing into bed with us. I love the snuggle time, but we all need more sleep than that, and he just couldn't lie still enough for any of us to sleep. He wanted to pinch our noses and tickle us, not sleep. Like, GAWD Mom- how BORING.

Anyway, last night we put him to bed but he just wouldn't stay. I told him that if he got up one more time I would go out to the garage and get the railing to go back on his crib. He got up one more time and I got the railing and put it back. He didn't make a peep about it and ended up sleeping through until about 7 this morning. It was delicious. We'll try the big boy bed thing again later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of delicious- Quiche. I don't usually make quiche, for some reason, but I can't really figure out why. I made one last night and it may be one of the best things I've put in my mouth in months. I even forgot the cheese! It's an onion, broccoli, and canadian bacon quiche with a butter crust. The crust is insanely easy and rivals flaky pastry crusts. It's just flour, salt, butter, and heavy cream. The quiche filling is easy too- eggs, cream, salt, pepper, nutmeg, and whatever ingredients you want inside. I meant to put in cheddar and jack cheese but totally forgot. It was still completely wonderful. We ate it with cut-up apples (pooples!) on the side last night. What a spectacular fall dinner. It makes amazing breakfast, too!!

Now I can't stop thinking of other quiche ingredient combinations to try. There goes my big push to eat healthier!

'Cause we LOVE BOOBIES!

Don't boobies make ALL of our lives better?

In the spirit of today:

Desiderata

by Max Ehrlman

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

I edited out one tiny bit.

I have to just make an effort to come out of my mopey funk.

This morning, before leaving for work, I did some cleaning up in the kitchen. It's amazing how taking a little bit of time to put a few things to rights in the morning can set such a positive and productive tone for the day. Imagine- me actually liking to do chores!

Just a few minutes ago, I went in and had a chat with the woman here at work by whom I felt I'd been "dumped." She's a friend and has been since long before I worked here, but I'd lately been feeling a disconnect that I was afraid was turning into a breakup. It turns out that we had both just been busy and mis-reading the situation. We re-affirmed our friendship with each other and I left feeling better instantly. Actually talking to someone about a perceived problem? What a novel concept!

I have also attempted to cut out negative self talk. Instead of telling myself I'm stupid and fat for thinking about the snack drawer, I'm trying to tell myself I'm smart and healthier for avoiding it. So far it's working.

Similarly, I'm not the lazy ass who hates to do chores, I am the FORMERLY lazy ass who now finds chores invigorating and loves the feeling of accomplishment.

Perhaps this sounds a little silly, but if you could only hear the horrible things I tell myself each day, you'd understand why these little steps are actually really important ones.

I'm sure it also helps that I have new jeans on today and think my ass looks kinda hott.

Do it! Please? You know you want to. Your mom would do it! You can just do it once. It won't hurt, I promise! I'll be your best friend! How 'bout I give you five bucks*? It's no fair if you don't! C'mon... pretty please?

COMMENT, COMMENT, COMMENT!!!!


(Credit must be given to Don't Let The Pigeon Drive The Bus)

(*I can't actually give you five bucks. Sorry. But I can give you... um... Love? Yeah, Love! After all, that's all you need.)

1. Start your day at 5 am needing to pee. BAD.
   
2. Fall back to sleep for a very short time before being awoken by the stupid clock-radio. Nudge your husband to get up and take the first shower.
   
3. Fall back to sleep for, like, a second before being awoken by your (almost) 2 year old, who has come to you bearing gifts of cups from the living room, leading you to the realization that "Oh crap. He was by himself in the living room and what the fuck else did he have time to get into and why didn't I hear him get up?"
4. Discover that you just don't care that much. Have the highlight of your day in a cuddle with the 2 year old where he actually manages not to head-butt, punch, poke, or kick you for like 5 whole minutes. Bliss.
5. Take a too-long shower. Come out not feeling relaxed but vaguely nauseous.
6. Lukewarm coffee.
7. Husband loses his shit over lost keys turning your "Gosh! I might be ON TIME this morning. How novel!" morning into "Yup. Late again."
8. Sit in ridiculous and hard to explain traffic.
9. Almost get side-swiped by asshole driving on shoulder to get around stupid traffic.
10. Get held up at daycare YET AGAIN, having to endure 15 minutes of hearing about other people's kids and their poop. Nod, smile, and politely agree wherever possible. Throw in a laugh here and there for good measure.
11. FINALLY get to work at 8:10. You were supposed to be there at 8.
12. Realize that today is the admin staff meeting. You used to go to this meeting. You actually had FUN at this meeting. You were not invited to this meeting this time. Feel snubbed. Feel hurt. Feel abandoned. Feel stupid for feeling the above. Feel jealous for their camaraderie, which you no longer share.
13. Decide to dwell a little on how people have been kind of sucky lately.
14. Realize you should probably be doing the work they PAY you for.
15. Realize that there's not enough time in the week to do the work you have to.
16. Say FUCK IT and write a whiny blog post.
17. Mope.
18. Overhear lunch being ordered for your husband and realize that that means you'll be eating alone. He never actually tells you himself.
19. Try scheduling lunch with a friend over MySpace, thereby ensuring that she won't see the message in time to actually be able to have lunch with you.
20. Go home for lunch. Alone. Moping kind of kills your appetite so you just eat an apple.
    
21. Slave over a serger for the rest of lunch, because you KNOW how much you love having a sore neck and threads all over your pants when you go back to work in the afternoon. Idiot.
22. Realize that you are hungrier than you knew. Contemplate the snack drawer.
23. Feel fat for even thinking about it.
24. Check MySpace. Find that friend DID want to have lunch with you, after all. Feel stupid for not USING YOUR GODDAMN PHONE ALREADY.
25. Accomplish all of the above before 1:30. Wonder if "I'm an idiot and mopey and insane" is a good excuse for taking the rest of the day off.
26. Figure they'd probably just fire you.
27. Write about it instead.
    

I'm going through a very down, dark blue period. I'm feeling dumped by just about everybody, bad at my job, bad at being a parent, bad at being a person. Consequently, I'm binge-eating, thinking about drinking a lot (though not actually drinking a lot), sitting on my ass when I need to get things done, and comfort shopping (which we can't afford and, of course, makes me feel worse). There has been a point in every day at which I am either on the verge of tears or outright crying. I'm a big, sloppy, hot mess of neuroses and doubts.

I don't know why I go through this every once in a while. This time I can pinpoint the things that set it off but, when I think about it objectively, those things shouldn't have affected me so greatly.

So much of it comes from my insecurity and over-sensitivity. I take things very personally, I know. But when two people you have considered friends seem to dump you at once, how can you not take that personally? Worse- I have NO IDEA what I might have done or said. It's like suddenly they just got sick of me. Probably most of you are saying at this point "And why WOULDN'T they be sick of you, Whiny McGripey-Pants?"

There's no real point to this, I guess, except to say: I'm Sad. I could do with some cheering.